Keeping it real, son

Because this is kinda lengthy, I’ll spare you the formalities and get right down to brass tacks. I reviewed the CD that came with this on my own site today.

CTE feat. Young Jeezy. A street video for Jeezy and CTE’s “Lil’ Buddy,” except, mercifully, the weed carrier verses are cut short so Jeezy can give a few shout outs to his homies in the clink. Not to mention Slick Pulla, who’s on the song, but couldn’t make it to the shoot because he’s on house arrest.

Shea Davis. First there’s a skit, of sorts, where Shea Davis runs up in someone’s project apartment, hog ties a buncha people, and then shoots someone. Then we’re treated to street video for his song “Neighborhood Hood Nigga.” Amazingly, the song itself manages to be a bit more ignorant than its title.

Stack Bundles. Sweet, there’s a guy in a wheel chair! I notice some of the kids in this street video look a bit young to be very intimidated. I mean, unless there’s like 20 of them at once. Also, Stack Bundles has a girl’s hair cut. Color me unimpressed.

E-40. Here’s E-40 standing on a street somewhere in California with some mean-looking cholos and some elderly-looking black dudes. Some cats roll up ghost-riding an old rapist van like my old man used to drive, nullus. Not to be a spoil sport, but that doesn’t seem like a very smart thing to do.

Red Cafe. Has anyone ever noticed that Red Cafe kinda looks like Cappadonna? I wonder if he drives a cab. I can’t get over how good the chorus of this song is. Peep: “I’m the owner of the strip club / and I’m the co-owner of the strip club.”

Mannie Fresh. The erstwhile Cash Money producer reveals that he can put a beat together in “30 minutes to an hour.” And here I thought it was taking him days and weeks! Also, he left Cash Money because they weren’t very good about paying people. Because it’s a black-owned company.

DMX. Ah, the moment I was waiting for. The street video for X’s “Gonna Get Mine” is pretty dang intense, but the part right after it is the real gold here. Perhaps you’ve seen it on YouTube. X, who’s got a lot more problems than the blunt he’s puffing at the time, rambles at length about why he left Def Jam and how Ja Rule should thank him for saving his life in Chicago.

Chamillionaire. Here’s Chamillionaire at his car customization shop showing off a car from his “Turn It Up” video that he just sold to Pimp C, and describing how him and Paul Wall came to be unsanitary pseudo-dentists.

Maino. If possible, Maino should consider growing a mustache. His face doesn’t look quite right.

Mddl Fngz feat. Bun B. Oh good, it’s my favorite rapper. And what’s this? He admits he likes to get “high on that water.” See, this time he said it. Not me. Also, this footage was shot the day before his hetero life partner Pimp C, the Frank Gehry of rapping shermheads, got out the clink.

Sandman. Not-so interesting fact: Bad Company’s self-titled debut album, released in 1974 was the best-selling rock debut until the first Boston album came out in 1976. Later this summer will mark the 30th anniversary of that album’s release. It’s sold something like 20 million copies to date.

Bleu Davinci. I don’t care if he is down with Jacob the Jeweler’s coke-dealing crew, BMF. Bleu Davinci strikes me as being somewhat fruity.

B.G. Not to incriminate anyone, but B.G. looks like he might still be on heroin. He’s got that lean. I once knew a girl with huge tits that had a heroin problem. I probably could’ve touched them for like $20, but I didn’t have the self-confidence in those days that I do now. Sadly, I’m sure that’ll be the last thing I think about before I die.

Funkmaster Flex. The most corrupt man in hip-hop, who appears to be standing in an elevator or some such, describes how you can get your garbage played on his show. You see, you don’t pay him. That’s illegal. You pay someone else, and then they pay him. Jeez!

Inc. Gang. Ja Rule’s old weed carriers appear to be puffing a blunt in this clip. I hope that was rolled from their own stash. Young Merse kinda looks like Lil’ Cease in the face. I wonder if they’re distantly related and somehow managed to end up in the same line of work. Maybe they descend from a long line of bag handlers going all the way back to Africa.

Paul Wall. Is Paul Wall beginning to remind anyone else of Comeback Tour-era Elvis? Next thing you know, he’ll be eating bizarre sandwiches and giving out brand new Cadillacs to random women in the audience.

Lord Tariq. You can tell by Lord Tariq’s outfits in this street video that this isn’t exactly a high point in his career. Is that an 8-ball jacket? And his t-shirt is one of those dumbass $8, “If you see police, Warn-a Brother” joints.

Juvenile feat. PNC. For being barely out of his twenties, Juvenile is one scary-looking bitch. The more that I think about it, the more I wouldn’t trade growing up in relative affluence for being a famous rapper. Fuck a $200,000 car. I’ll settle for like $20,000. That was once a lot of money!

Bonus Video. So this is what it’s come to, huh Redman? You’re better than this.

Battle. Serius Jones and Murda Mook? ‘the fuck is this: the Belmont Stakes? Seriously, if there’s one thing that can be learned from this DVD, it’s that there may be more of a correlation between rhyme skills and nickname selection wisdom than you’d think. Marinate on that for the weekend.

  • capone

    Biship Boss Is The Future. I read this whole article and I have no idea what you are talking about. Dammmmm you don;t make any sence.

    Biship Is The Future
    myspace.com/myspacecombishipboss

  • http://www.livejournal.com Rey

    Maybe they call them “Smack” dvds cuz you have to be on heroin to enjoy them.

  • likearnoldisaname

    talking about nicknames, “red cafe” is an incredibly gay one. I mean, “cafe” is a french word.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    i don’t get it. so the dvd was “hood videos” of each track on the CD? who wants to see these guys?

    i don’t get it.

  • Tyler Durden

    Yeah Smack is buffonery at its finest…and by the way can someone email me and tell me whats the big deal about this Grafh kid? I mean Rocafella record deals,(before the split now he’s with Dame Dash Music Group)xm satellite radio shows? for what??He sucks

  • I Fux

    > “Neighborhood Hood Nigga.” Amazingly, the song itself manages to be a bit more ignorant than its title.

    Classic Bol Line

  • http://www.thursdayplantation.blogspot.com lar

    If possible, Maino should consider growing a mustache. His face doesn’t look quite right.

    you just pinpointed my uneasiness w/dude. and it was right there under my nose.

  • RandomName

    Quote
    >>”B.G. Not to incriminate anyone, but B.G. looks like he might still be on heroin. He’s got that lean. I once knew a girl with huge tits that had a heroin problem. I probably could’ve touched them for like $20, but I didn’t have the self-confidence in those days that I do now. Sadly, I’m sure that’ll be the last thing I think about before I die.”

    You got me dying at work with that one, my last thought will prob be something similar.

  • South/WestRider

    What?

  • Gutta

    come on bol…u cant tell the murda mook and serius jones battle was not entertaining in some way

  • http://www.myspace.com/theanticorp RoxStar

    This nigga has TRULY out done himself w/this blog. i watched that Smack dvd last week and was thinking practically the same shit about everybody (minus the $20 groping of a big breasted dope fiend)… THIS SHIT IS CLASSIC!

  • Meka Soul

    >Bleu Davinci>
    >Maino>
    >Serius Jones and Murda Mook>

    these are the artists supposed to “bring new york back?” no thanks.

    *plays “hall & oates’ greatest hits on ipod*

  • http://myspace.com/bunchwreckincrew Yung “Cee-Eye” So Fly

    Yea, that smack was kinda of lackluster. I never understood how all of these weed carriers get all of this attention. The smacks that cmae befre this one have been better, but that aint sayin much. Shea Davis is the weakest rapper I’ve heard in my life tho.

  • d.GUTTA

    I once knew a girl with huge tits that had a heroin problem. I probably could’ve touched them for like $20, but I didn’t have the self-confidence in those days that I do now. Sadly, I’m sure that’ll be the last thing I think about before I die.”

    piffhhffh..phfh (

  • treat it like the wind

    this post was actually funny.

  • UnFaded Disciple

    Serius Joens vs. Murda Mook was pretty good in teh entertainment section

    But Jones seems like more of a comedian Rapper than anything else…but hey that wins battles…but he lost that one to “Pre Written” Mook

  • capone

    It’s not about what graph can do cause he trash but it’s about who he know.

  • MoneyMakin’Mitch

    Garbage Bol. Let me save u though and get u some more hits on this bullshit. This is 4 all my 4 real “Smack-heads”: Who is the hottest on Money Ave.? Who would win in a battle between Murda Mook and T-Rex? I think Lux got Mook and so did Jae Millz. Mook roasted Party Arty. I’mma go Big Pun on u?! What y’all think???

  • imwassup

    LMAO- damn, ur funny as hell…i want to see the dvd just to know exactly what ur talking abour

  • god

    I TOLD YOU BOL WASN’T BLACK

  • Lefty 2Gunz

    Good look Bol. I always thought the whole Smack, rap, hood, etc… dvd thing was some cornball sh!t. Minus a few gems out there.
    It’s the same thing these cats be saying on they records except they have like 10-20 weedcarriers to
    co-sign every word.
    Then these same I’m so hard (nullus), I’ll smack ya coofie off niccas is mad happy to be on a Sony Cam.

    The whole time I’m just SMH @ these dudes

  • livinlegend85

    BOL is a internet chatroom critic with weird point of views…he hates smack dvds…dey show was poppin in da hoodz all over…and he calls that corny?? whats corny is dat goddamn pic u got on your display

  • Meka Soul

    >Garbage Bol. Let me save u though and get u some more hits on this bullshit. This is 4 all my 4 real “Smack-heads”: Who is the hottest on Money Ave.? Who would win in a battle between Murda Mook and T-Rex? I think Lux got Mook and so did Jae Millz. Mook roasted Party Arty. I’mma go Big Pun on u?! What y’all think???>

    >BOL is a internet chatroom critic with weird point of views…he hates smack dvds…dey show was poppin in da hoodz all over…and he calls that corny?? whats corny is dat goddamn pic u got on your display>

    *turns up “hall & oates’ greatest hits” to drown out asinine chit-chat*

  • http://www.livejournal.com Rey

    *waits patiently for Bol to put up an interesting column, not listening to Hall & Oates, but not hating on anyone who does*

  • H-Man

    Hey dog, aint got da digits, but I need someone to contact Michael if ya know what Im talkin about. Tell him Im max attentive of da situation. His wish is my command. Come back home Mike. Make a stand wit me. Who cares what da media say. It dont mean nuttin man. Not a thang brother. You always was my hero, still izz my hero, and always will be all day all da way. Yo Shady will do da damn thang. Besides, I need to learn some new moves. Should try to get a show together, U know, get da fellas who can 2-step wit ya. U know who dey R! peace *Toss up da deuce*

  • beanz

    t-rex would eat up mook just for the fact that mook got his hole style from t-rex point blank period

  • beanz

    t-rex would eat up mook just for the fact that mook got his hole style from t-rex point blank period

  • http://www.snmnetwork.com power

    first of all..
    SMACK DVD IS THE FOREFRONT OF PROMOTION AND MARKETING THE WAY MIXTAPES WERE. THATS WHY THERES A MILLION “STREET” DVDS ON THE SHELVES NOW.

    second..
    THE DUDE THAT WRITES THIS COLUMN IS A BIRD FOR HATING SO HARD. HE PROBABLY WANTS TO BE A RAPPER or USED TO BE

    third.. HIT UP THE SITE
    http://WWW.SNMNETWORK.COM
    MYSPACE.com/sheadavisotf
    MYSPACE.com/early109
    >>>>

  • curioustoknpw

    ? to randomname i’m guessing that you’re a man???? which leads me to my next question .. WHY THE HELL YOU WORRIED ABOUT WHAT’S IN BLEU OR BMF PANTS . BMF IS NOT CUT OUT LIKE THAT !! YOU SOUND LIKE A B@TCH CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MAKE SOMETHING FOR YOU. IT’S A LOT OF MONEY OUT THERE GET SOME. PSS
    LOVING BMF 4 LIFE.

  • lil J

    murda mook is cold but no body can fuck wit cassidy

  • Rodjilius

    da cd is tight tho i would have said somethin earlier but i didnt kno they had a article on dis

  • jf

    I fucks with Lux