A Traveling Band Of Misfits And Outcasts
I’m not saying that it’s easy to make a record sell. I’m just saying that you can’t expect to win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.
Anyhoo, Noz, a man who refers to the latest Dogg Pound album as “very nice”(a), was kind enough to put up a list of records designed to provide a modicum of hope that there’s some worthwhile rap coming out anytime soon. Or, at the very least, get your mind off the fact that this summer’s hip-hop album’s are a total cuffin’ wash(b).
But, unlike Noz, I really don’t care if you all kill yourselves or not, so I’ll take the liberty of debunking his attempt at uplifting sorcery(c).
Outkast—Idlewild: I’ve already spoken on this and I don’t like repeating myself. So I won’t.
Young Jeezy—Thug Motivation 102: The Inspiration (Or something like that): If you like Jeezy, you’ll like the record. If you don’t, you spend your time using him as a punchline on bulletin boards all day, your life is basically worthless and you won’t like the record(d).
Me? I predict bigger and better than the debut. And because my opinion is the only one that matters, you can save your self-righteous indignation for your real parents.
Pharoahe Monch—Desire: I’ll see it when I believe it.
Note: For those of you children who lost your hip-hop virginity to Makaveli, Pharoahe is that nickel. Twice. Even if he does do the gospel thing, it’ll be better than Gnarls Barkley.
Granted, he may still go wood in the hood, but I’d rather see him strike out than see Yung Joc hit a home run(e).
Pimp C—The Pimpilation: As I said in the comments to Noz’s bit of trickery: “Pimp C’s album sounds like it’s gonna be the other half to the slab of smoking trash that was Bun B’s last album. Them dudes really need to hole themselves up somewhere and drop the album they’re capable of. Unless, they’re still signed to Jive. Then in which case I must call for a boycott. Standard.”(f)
The Clipse—Hell Hath No Fury: Somewhere near the end of his jedi mind tricks, Noz opines that some Scarface record I have no knowledge of has the potential to be better than Hell Hath No Fury.
Rick Ross—Port of Miami: If you can look aside little things like lyrical dexterity, this one may actually be en fuego, as they say in Cuba. The
Nate Dogg Akon joint is infirm and—as much as I hate to admit it— there’s a Cool & Dre a banger or two on there. Not sure what anyone was thinking with “Blow,” but , oh well.
Raekwon—Cuban Linx II: I’ll see it when I believe it.
Project Pat—Crook By The Book: Three Six Mafia without Crunchy Black is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes.
Nas—Hip Hop Is Dead: If you believe that God’s Son was Nas’ best album(g), then you’ll understand that this one may be much better. At any rate, you’ll all cop it(h), dissect it, hate it, love it, send legions to war over it. I can hear the Nas Stans marshaling their forces as I type:
“Dudes, this is our greatest battle yet. Our whole lives have led up to this moment…”
And, not for nothing, dudes that keep fronting on will.i.am obviously go to parties where all they do is nod their heads real hard to old Black Sheep and Primo cuts while buying the cheapest drinks allowable and talking about “bring New York back” and “real hip-hop.” Losers.
The Game—The Doctor’s Advocate: Mathematically speaking, this may very well be the most anticipated album of the year. Not to say that we all think it’s gonna be much good, if any. But we’re all curious. I think it’s perfectly fine to admit this without having to be a closet homosexual, or whatever the going is slur is.
P.S.—To quiet some of the scuttlebutt being thrown around les internetes, I spoke to my homegirl at the MC Rating Association of Armerikkka (MCRAA), and she confirmed that the Clipse are not overrated, whereas Lupe Fiasco is(i).
(a) I don’t know what to make of that, either.
(b) This may make no sense, but The Big Bang has a total “winter” feel to it.
(c) Except for the tax write-offs. I’m not giving those the dignity of a response.
(d) Unless you’re Oprah, in which case you’re too rich to care either way.
(e) And was that crap him and his bag of a boss pulled at the BET Awards supposed to be a “performance”? Somebody kill me. Please.
(f) I just cut and pasted that, so it’s not really like I really repeated myself.
(g) Which it was.
(h) And by “cop,” I mean: “Purchase in a perfectly legal manner not one second before it is commercially available.”
(i) He’s good and getting better, but you children are building him up to expectations he cannot possibly live up to. I say cut to the chase and crucify him now.