If A Cracker Talk Slick, His Ass Gon’ Get Whacked

heaven01.jpgEverett: Uh, we hear that you pay good money to sing into a can.

Lund: Well, that all depends. You boys do Negro songs?

Everett: Um… well, uh, sir, we are Negroes. All except for our accomp… our accomp… Uh, the fella that plays the guitar.

Lund: Yeah, well, I don’t record Negro songs. No, I’m lookin’ for some old-timey material. You see, people can’t seem to get enough of it since we started broadcasting it on The Pappy O’Daniel Flour Hour, so thank you for stopping by, but…

Everett: Sir, uh, the Soggy Bottom Boys have been steeped in old-timey material. Heck, we’re silly with it, ain’t we, boys?

Pete: That’s right.

Delmar: That’s right. We ain’t really Negroes.

Pete: All except for our accompanist.

—from O Brother, Where Art Thou?

I’m sorry. I missed the great racial coming out party, Kumbaya-style. Word to the Gullah, I missed when everything became alright between us.

I know a lot of y’all outside the country may think shiite is all cool cause you see the Beckies dancing to 50 in Cancun on MTV, you know that Em loved Proof more than his own mom and you hear the tales of bros around here that are lucky enough to run up in a whyte broad every now and then. (Peace to all my Mandingos—the whyte man’s ice is colder and his women easier.) But don’t get it twisted. Shiite ain’t all ebony and ivory side-by-side on a piano keyboard. Ninety percent of hipsters still get paralyzed like gargoyles in the daytime when a real, live nickel who doesn’t bump Bloc Party comes up in their spot. (Word to Blackface Jesus, from what I’ve heard, some of them still touch dreads and ask, “How do you get your hair to do that?”) Truth is, some of us can’t even catch a cab in New York unless we got a Snowflake on our arm, you know. Clappas are gonna try to fool you and make you think everything is okay. That’s why the first time a nickel gets too far out of line, his ass is out of here. They want to seem like good friends of the Negro.

Here’s the trick: When “they” say it’s about race, it’s not. And when “they” say in ain’t about race, you can bet your DVD version of Song of the South that it is. “They” don’t really want to talk about race, so “they” talk about the shiite that’s not about race and make believe they’re dealing with the race issue. (Katrina, anyone? Diallo?) Clappas have been doing this for a long time. Hell, they don’t even address issues of class in this country because, well, you can’t talk about class without talking about race ’cause they’re too intertwined over these parts. Best to avoid the subject altogether. Let’s just fire this guy, get him out of here—whether he be a politician, sports announcer or radio personality. There. Problem solved.

So, when Fat Joe and Jadakiss are accused of selling out for collaborating with Paris “Jumpoff” Hilton, it’s about race. Word to the sistas with the upturned noses when I’m chilling somewhere in the Gansevoort’s shadow with something foreign, when the Old Grey Lady cries that Mike “Fort Minor” Shinoda’s wack ass(a) and his wack-ass song is being ignored by hip-hop, it’s about race. Now, I’ve never taken Kelefa Sanneh for a modern-day Sambo and I won’t start now, but he does gloss over the race issue, regulating it to one graph of the piece. For shame.

Quotha, the Great K:

This is partly a question of marketing, and it has something to do with race too. (Mr. Shinoda, who is part Japanese and part white, might be received slightly differently if he were black.) But culture, and not just race alone, explains who fits where: the black Dallas rapper Cowboy Troy will never take the hip-hop world by storm (he’s marketed as a country act), whereas the white Houston rapper Paul Wall already has.

As if Big & Rich are not > Cowboy Troy.

Mind you, K describes Shinoda as “not a very elegant rapper,” calls the Fort Minor album “not very good” and notes that “no one who’s accustomed to the sleek, slinky rhymes of T.I. (for example) is likely to be impressed by the workmanlike couplets [Shinoda] delivers.” Yet, somehow, the story remains about how—according to the headline—”A rocker’s rap is a hit, and the rap world shrugs.”

I guess the possibility that some people just have bad taste is too much to fanthom over there on 43rd Street. Or the idea that Negroes only have but so much tolerance for whyte rap is too much to say without using euphemisms becuase, word to Kevin “Barack Obama’s Vice President” Powell, Negroes can’t be racist.

As if anyone could name more than three whyte rappers anyone with good taste cares about these days(c).

Which leads us to—and I know you’ve been waiting for it—the all-important question of the day: Would things be so bad for Tom Cruise if he jumped up on Letterman’s desk as opposed to Oprah’s couch? Didn’t seem to be a problem when Drew Barrymore flashed her ta-tas. Granted, she’s always had issues. But still. MI:3 > Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.

I say: Let the healing begin. And, excuse me, my Nubian sister, but can you tap that fine looking white girl on the shoulder for me? You may say they ain’t got no ass, but I got evidence to the contrary in my porn collection. Lots of it.

(a) Step your Select game up?

(b) Let me help you out: Marshall, Bubba and, yes, The Streets.

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  • Sarutama

    Cage. Hells winter was HOT.

  • Belize

    aint gonna lie, im not gonna even read this after i saw that homo begginning…..work on that homie….

    ps: dont go the BOL route!

  • http://xxlmag.com exo


    The operative phrase being “with good taste.”


    Please trust that I will not be losing any sleep over this.

  • Get It Right… Get It White

    Quit dreaming of white girls you Simian….. you aint getting shit but our table scraps. Try coming up to some tough white boys talking that mess….. we’ll do you like Emmitt Till.

    P.S. Did you ever get the taste of 50′s dick out your mouth?

  • http://myblogwillsoonbebetterthanyours.blogspot.com/ will

    Ninety percent of hipsters still get paralyzed like gargoyles in the daytime when a real, live nickel who doesn’t bump Bloc Party comes up in their spot.

    This is why i’ve been saying—for the longest time—a bunch of us culluds should suit up Huey P.-esque and crash a “Kill Whitie” party.

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN

    So what is the point of this scatterbrained article?

    Yoo were all over the place.

  • Get It Right… Get It White

    thanks for deleting my comment jig

  • Demi

    XXL–the magazine–is one of the best on the market. The XXL blogs do not represent that. XXL needs to assign a Blog Editor who decides what goes up and what doesn’t. It’s not just this post, either. Shit’s all over the place.

  • Roblynn

    I have no idea what point you were actually trying to make

  • NoMamesBuey

    Fort Minor as wack, WTF?!

    Did you or Kelefa Sanneh actually listed to Fort Minor’s “The Rising Tied” album? That was one of the BEST albums of 2005. Many agree with me on this opinion, including hiphopsite.com


    The beats (all produced by Shinoda) are unique & excellent. I would rate Shinoda’s MC skills at the “B level”. He’s definitely not at the “world class A level of MC” as say Nas/Black Thought/Jay-Z/Talib Kweli. However, he’s good/decent MC.

    Also the subject matter of Shinoda’s lyrics is interesting. To me A beats + B lyrics + interesting/unique subject matter = dope album (Ditto for Kanye BTW).

    It seems to me that many rap fans these days have a bias against “MCs that are not authentic thugs”. It seems that the “non-thugs” have to be “A level” MCs to get any props. While “D level” thug MCs lack of lyricism is not criticized because they have “a cool swagger” or “say good ‘yeah’ adlibs” WTF?!

    Now some of the “thug” rap is some of the greatest of all time. For instance Nas, Kool G. Rap, Notorious BIG, Jay-Z, Big Pun have rapped about selling crack, murder, etc. But much of the current “thug raps” frankly suck. Since rapping about selling crack has been done 1000 times, why would I want to listen to a “D-level” MC do it for the 1001st time when I got Nas/BIG/etc on my mp3 player already.

    Finally, check Shinoda’s “Bloc Party” verse of the “Fort Minor We Major” mixtape.

    Shinoda >> typical mediocre “thug” rapper such as Young Jeezy, Camron or 50 Cent.

    Shinoda ETHERS non-lyrical cats such as these.

    After listening to that Shinoda versed I mentioned, if you don’t feel me on this, we can agree to disagree. But I will have to conclude that you’re a horrible rap critic. In other words, my amateur rap 5-minute opinion ETHERS your “professional” rap critic job “skills”

  • silva

    did anyone else notice that the (c) in the article matches the (b) at the end?

  • http://xxlmag.com exo



  • Prodigy

    I feel sorry for your mother dun. Its the Infamous.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    I’m sorry, children. From now on, I will only put forth safe, coherent points of view. No need to stretch yourselves. I will think for you. And I will no longer touch on subjects that make you privileged cowards feel uncomfortable.(a)


    One can only hope that you’re working through your various delusions with the assistance of a professional.

    Get It White:



    (a) Not really.

  • Dee

    Kris was the main point of ur article that people are still racist and there are only 3 good white rappers?

    –if it was then..NO Shit!
    but the thing you have to realize is that the BIGGER issue is that there is a real problem in this country will class, the have nots are beubg screwed(and yeah most the people in Miss that had there homes destroed were poor WHITE folk, and the 50 million people in this country with out health issurance well a lot of them ARE WHITE. do the bigger issue is class, wealth u dig?

    —HIP HOP—
    if anything helps make white people more accepting and less racist overall with black culture, and since some 70% of hiphop CDs are bought by WHITES maybe todays YOUTH is less racist than say 20 years ago. This counrty is far from perfect but its gettin better with racism.

    –People –black white whatever are always goin to have racial issues–any two cultures will but it is gettin better. Racism is worse in latin america and places like Mexico and Guatemala u have people that wont marry someone that might be a darker shade of brown for God’s sake! I mean racism is everywhere.

  • taj

    u make no sense, your shits all over d place and your tryin to establish wat exactly…?shinoda sux…? of course dudes that relate to T.I arent gonna relate 2 shinoda….diffrent life diffrent message,hows shinoda gonna talk about trappin in d south when hes not been doin it, he”ed b a fool to try and clearly hes not a fake fool… id rather listen to The One on here than u, at least dude sounds like its from d heart, however 1800″s his veiws are

  • Prodigy

    Yo dun, you need to do more offendin shit that makes these motha fuckas hate you more yo. Who gives a fuck who likes you on the net ya heard? Ya dig? Ya smell me?

  • NoMamesBuey


    Very WEAK reply, though I can’t say I’m surprised at all.

    You can’t refute anything points I stated, specifically my opinion on bias against “non-thug” rappers. You obviously haven’t even listened to the “Rising Tied” album.

    All you do is come up with a weak insult against me.

    Exo/KrisEx/Whatever YourNameIs, you are the one who is not open to free thinking. I am the free thinker here. To me, about the beats & rhymes, whether the MC is crack dealer, average joe, nerd, and raps in english, spanish, or both. And also, sucker MCs SUCK regardless of their placement on the “criminal-to-nerd spectrum”, word to Rakim.

  • NoMamesBuey


    Perhaps your reply was so WEAK due to the fact that your “soul was still burning slow” due to ETHERING (c) Nas you experienced!

  • J Ball

    W….T…..F? Wayyy to much language that only you would understand. Just speak english playa, it may not be as fancy to you but at least your point would come across.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    “Perhaps your reply was so WEAK due to the fact that your “soul was still burning slow” due to ETHERING (c) Nas you experienced!”

    Yes. Because that’s exactly what happened.

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN

    ^ Nifty use of sarcasim. You really showed him.

  • http://www.bomanijones.com Bomani

    exo, ain’t it sad that no one caught that classic trick daddy reference?

  • Freddy Freeloader

    Cosigning on that first comment; Cage – Hell’s Winter, indeed.

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    Uh, I ain’t tryin to be a prick or anything, but what’s the point of this post? Aside from how messed up race relations are in America, which is kind of an old idea.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo


    You’re good enough for me.


    “Aside from how messed up race relations are in America, which is kind of an old idea.”

    Yes. So we should just ignore it. Totally.

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    Nah, that ain’t what I’m saying at all. Obviously we should look at it. But it’s been being discussed for like what 300 years now, and it hardly deserves a post.

    And if it did, I would hope it would consist of something other than random incoherent reasons as to why you hate white people.

  • mod

    what the fuck was this about? started on some 5% shit and ended with some sappy “let the healing begin” garbage. i don’t know if you’re confused or not, but hipsters are inherently racist, as are the majority of wiggers. they all scared of black people so they imitate them to make fun of them/be hip. i bet if you were drowning your ass wouldn’t give a shit if it was a honkey or a black man that rescued you, but somehow it’s ok to point out that an older generation is still racially beefing, as is the new, well shit that just comes from generational racism, that’s got nothing to do with the races themselves. you’re still on that brand nubian shit where the white man is devil and all that bullshit, well yeah if your brethren fuck with them long enough, they’ll start getting a little racist, it’s a reaction. and i’m not apologizing for crackers either, fuck that, what i’m saying is don’t invent racial issues in a vacuum, we got enough problems in the world today as it is.

  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    Walt & Mod:

    If you stop injecting your own thoughts into the words of others, maybe–just maybe–you’ll expand your worldviews.

    I hate whyte people and think they’re the devil? Love the circular logic. Small minds like yours will always look to make issues cut & dry and look to finish the conversation, ie., “it’s been being discussed for like what 300 years now, and it hardly deserves a post.”

    I’m sorry, fellas, but I’m not here to make you and yours feel comfortable. My conversation is going to continue when and how I see fit. Get used to it or stop reading.

  • mod

    one, i did make a point at the very start that you were all over the place (and others agree, or so it seems).
    don’t push the intellect insults on me, man, if you can’t control yourself enough to write “white” instead of “whyte.”
    i’m not here to feel comfortable with you saying “if a cracker talk slick, his ass gon get whacked.” the fuck kind of talk is that? are you for real? you think you invincible or some shit. i thought hip hop was supposed to be on some equality or at least respect vibe, otherwise this whole damn site wouldn’t exist.
    don’t feel superior to anyone just cause you run this column, not everything you say is hot shit.
    p.s.: your 50 cent column however WAS hot shit

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    Making me feel uncomfortable is not the issue. You still haven’t explained to me what the central theme of the post was.

    I have no issue with discussing race in America, but this post is so incoherent that I can’t even tell if that’s what you’re talking about.

    There’s no clear thesis or definable structure. I even agree with a lot of what was said in there, but half the time I can’t even tell what you’re trying to say. Race relations still ain’t cool in America and nobody with good taste gives a fuck about Mike Shinoda.

    What did I say that was “closed minded”. I guess I was expecting a piece of writing from a journalist such as yourself to actually make sense and not read like a LiveJournal entry. My mistake.

  • mod

    “nobody with good taste gives a fuck about Mike Shinoda.”

  • haitian greg

    good shit my dude….seriously need to come out with a book of your observations of this world….seriously you funny as hell my nigga….save me a loosie

  • http://xxlmag.com exo


    “i’m not here to feel comfortable with you saying “if a cracker talk slick, his ass gon get whacked.” the fuck kind of talk is that? are you for real? you think you invincible or some shit.”

    As Bomani pointed out, that’s a Trick Daddy reference. If you haven’t figured it out by now, all my headlines are jacked from song lyrics.


    “There’s no clear thesis or definable structure. . . I guess I was expecting a piece of writing from a journalist such as yourself to actually make sense and not read like a LiveJournal entry.”

    I’m sorry. I thought this was a blog. You want the other stuff, get thee to a newsstand. I’m there every month, little homey.


    All day, my nig.

  • mod

    Alright on the Trick Daddy shit. Still, this is a weak entry. You’ve done better. Peace.

  • http://thewaltreport.blogspot.com Big Walt

    So, because this is a blog, it’s ok for none of it to make sense or have a definable structure?

    You STILL haven’t told me what the point of this entry is!

  • http://djxplicit.blogspot.com http://djxplicit.blogspot.com


    I think it’s funny you link to that page, since it does a better job of making people think and discussing race relations than your rambling.

    I also find it odd that no one has mentioned Fort Minor is essentially 1/6th white and 4/6ths black.

    Saying Fort Minor didn’t sell well because Mike Shinoda is half-white is over-simplifying it. But that’s besides the point.

    Although actually, I don’t know, that may very well be the point. I have no idea what your point was, and you have yet to answer anyone who has asked.

  • tC


  • http://xxlmag.com exo

    I’m sorry, children. I didn’t realize you were still commenting over here.

    I find it rather telling that of all the non-sensical non-sequiturs, in-jokes and subliminals I’ve put on these pages, this is the one post you need defined for you.


    Maybe that was my point. Maybe not.

  • Lo-D

    Alright people by commenting on this blog and questioning everything in this column you have proved him right as far as white people will do anything to change the subject from race issues…man and the most fucked up thing about it is this guy is right white people will do anything to avoid talkin about race issues with a black guy…and i dont know why that is..i mean you figure that if you wanna have an educated conversation about race someone outside of you’re own race would be ideal…but we don’t want that…i dont know if its the fact that it is an utter embarrassment to the whole human race the way that other races were and are still treated in the u.s. or if people really still do feel the same way as they did in the 60′s and 70′s….or some other completely different reason but aside from the “scatteredness” of this article any genuine hearted person no matter what race you are would be touched in someway or another by this article…he touched on some really good points and white folks be honest…this shit really happens and its about damn time we stop tryin to act like racial inequality is just gonna fix itself and actually do somethin about it….

    -and thats real shit if youve ever seen such…chuuch

  • PURP



    A pussys pussy no matter what color she is, trust me dawg if a bitch is laying in yo bed or a motel hotel bed but naked and you just met her at a bar or some kind of function and somehow yall ended up in a room and the pantys came off and all you see is that pussy, it dont matter what color that bitch is you know what because momma bout to get fucked.

    and thats my word boy.