A promise is a promise. Without no further ado, YN’s predictions for the first annual Weed Carrier Awards:
Hey, Why Weren’t These Guys Nominated?
The Most Glaring Omission From Original List Award
Big Shug (Gang Star)
Joe Scudda (Justus League)
Loon (Harlem World, Diddy)
Uncle Kracker (Kid Rock)
Joe C (R.I.P.) (Kid Rock)
Flipmode Squad (Bussa-Bus)
Big Noyd (Mobb Deep)
Charli Baltimore (B.I.G., Murder INC and countless others)
Craig Mack (EPMD)
Stan Spit (Cam’Ron, Big L)
2 Bigg MC (Hammer)
And the winner is: The lady runs this muthafucka. CB Whore went from being Big Poppa’s Lil Kim jumpoff alternate, to Irv Gotti-backed Murder Mami to her currents status as wanna-be member of The Game’s Black Wall Street click and she still hasn’t put out an album. She’s one click away her whole career. At least she won’t be joining G-Unit. Ole girl’s still mad 50 ethered her on the 8 Mile soundtrack with half a bar.
Lifetime Achievement Award
And the winner is: You talk about the gift and the curse. How’d you like to be the young protégé of the greatest rapper alive and of all-time (Yeah I’m cosigning that MTV shit.). Sometimes the hardest thing to do is stand on your two. Four shots to prove us wrong and duke has struck out each time. Memphis Bleek’s legacy is simply Hova’s backhand compliment on the Kanye remix.
All-Time Greatest Weed Owners
The RZA (Everyone ever connected to the Wu-Tang Clan)
Eazy-E (NWA, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Bone Thugs, Arabian Prince)
Tupac (Biggie Smalls, The Outlawz, MC Breed)
EPMD (Redman, K-Solo, Keith Murray, Das-EFX)
Benzino (Every rap writer that ever worked for The Source)
Run-DMC (Beastie Boys, Onyx, The Afros)
And the winner is: Yeah the Ruler Zig Zag’s tree has more branches but Eazy-E’s sidekicks eventually stack big chips, dipshits. Besides the platinum-packed catalogues of those mentioned above let’s not forget will.i.com and his band of gypsies. Atban Klann, ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit. Atban Klann, ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit.
We Made It—Weed Carriers That Became Weed Owners
Tupac (carried for: Digital Underground)
Jay-Z (carried for: The Jaz aka Jaz-O, Big Daddy Kane)
Ice Cube (carried for: Dr. Dre, Eazy-E)
Snoop Dogg (carried for: Dr. Dre)
50 Cent (carried for: Nas, Jam Master Jay)
MF Doom (carried for: 3rd Bass)
Notorious B.I.G. (carried for: Tupac)
Fat Joe (carried for: Diamond D)
Sean Diddy Combs (carried for: Andre Harrell, LL, Heavy D)
And the winner is: Breathe easy, this one’s easy. This guy went from rhyming so fast we didn’t understand the shit he spit to us quotin’ his every word and inflection. He wore Hawaiian shirts cause his man made a song about it. He toted bags on a Main Source tour. Begged every label to sign and when he got blocked like Mutombo, created his own company and a classic album. He’s Larry Holmes-ed the game in the post-Biggie Pac era and now he tells Ghostface and LL Cool J when their tunes are trash. The Carter Administration? Devious manipulation.
Least Talented Weed Carriers To Release An Album
Disturbin’ Tha Peace
Young Black Teenagers
And the winner is: Besides their name fittin’ lovely in the bridge of their leader Nas’ gutter banger “Made You Look,” the Bravehearts know no parts of any hot record. I dare anyone to remember the title of their album which is currently being sold for 89 cents in cutout bins in record stores across the good ole USA. Jungle Jones went from managing Noreaga to pressuring his baby bro to get him a deal for himself, his neighborhood homie, and their big-ass bodyguard. Heather B’s boo Horse, holla atcha boy.
MVP Cracka Carriers
Shawn Wiggs (Theodore Unit)
The Beastie Boys
Young Black Teenagers
And the winner is: Getting a bunch of White kids to call themselves Black is some real gangsta shit. Public Enemy producer Hank Shocklee was so big back then that if the Bomb Squad told some palefaces from the ‘burbs to jump they said how high. Hey DJ Skribble and the original Kamron (you know dude stole the show in House Party 2), you wanna know how to be down? Sell out your own race, for starters.
Do Not Pass Go Or Collect $200: Weed Owners who started carrying again
The Jaz (a.k.a. Jaz-O)
And the winner is: Guess the SoundScan charts have proven joining 50 Cent’s rap all-star team wasn’t necessarily the best career move for the little niggas from the Bridge. They could pray that their career path will one day lead to multi-platinum acclaim but Jesus ain’t speakin’ to Prodigy right now.
MVP WC Broad Award
Roxanne Shante (Juice Crew)
Foxy Brown (The Firm)
Lil’ Kim (Biggie)
Trina (Trick Daddy)
Eve (Ruff Riders)
Remy Ma (Terror Squad)
And the winner is: Well since the Chuckster can’t win here, and the jailbird seems like an obvious choice, I’m gonna go with Ms. So So Def Fox Boogaloo. She went from Jay to Nas and back to Jay again. And she calls herself the female Pac for Christsakes. That’s an afterlife lackey.
All-Time Greatest Shaq Weed Carrier
And the winner is: He’s a doll. Little Penny has never been the same since his giant pal jetted from Disneyland to Hollywood. Several years later, he spent most of last season riding the pine for Isiah’s team and massaging Marbury’s shoulders. That’s real funky, you flunky.
All-time greatest/worst sibling/relative weed carrier
Jamie Lynn Spears
Joey Lawrence’s brothers
Marlon and Shawn Wayans
And the winner is: I still can’t believe these niggas had a TV show named after them. Their brother created In Living Color, they’ve created shitty movie after shitty movie. Plus one of them dudes looks like he rocks chancletas.
Sloppy Seconds—A Weed Holding Legacy
Cam’Ron (Big L, Mase)
Mase (Big L, Puffy, 50 Cent)
Consequence (A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West)
And the winner is: There’s a reason he looked so comfortable in that leather number 2 jersey. Rap music’s Scottie Pippen loves to be the man standing next to the man of the hour. After 10 years of hate, Reverend Feel Good still needs constant direction. Maybe that’s why he turned to the man above. He truly is the Lord’s servant.
Medal of Honor—Most Tragic WC Death (R.I.P.)
Philant Johnson (T.I.)
Israel Ramirez (Busta Rhymes)
And the winner is: Proof. Vamoose, you sons of bitches. This category crosses the line. Apologies to the Shady Family but I didn’t make this shit up. Let’s just say a tisket tasket, WC Squad go to hell in a handbasket. Well maybe just Hashim.