Gnarls Barkley is gay

When I mentioned the other day that it’s probably a good idea not to buy any more rap albums, I probably should have noted that it’s an especially good idea not to buy any rap albums you don’t even want. Obvious though it may seem, this is actually getting harder than you’d think. I’m only 25 years old (which is actually probably pretty old by Internet standards), but I notice that the entertainment industry has gotten a lot better at selling us shit that we don’t actually want just within the scope of my lifetime.

When I was 16, going on 9 years ago, I remember having my mom drive me to a Blockbuster Music (remember those?) to pick up a copy of whatever that album was by that group Prodigy*. You know, the one with “Smack My Bitch Up.” But then I got there and listened to a bit of it in one of those elaborate-ass listening stations they used to have in record stores, and I was just like, Man, what the fuck is this bullshit? Who would want to buy some shit like this, even if Kool Keith is on it? Indeed, this store didn’t seem to have sold a single copy of the disc.

But that’s the thing: There was a time when major corporations would try to predict the next big thing in youth culture and would fail miserably. Nowadays, rather than trying to guess what’s going to be the next big thing, they’ll actually create the next big thing themselves and then have the media “predict” that shit for them. These d-bags are literally taking a piss on our heads and then trying to tell us it’s raining. By the time anyone realizes this is all bullshit, they’ve already sold maybe 500,000 copies, which is all it takes to be considered successful these days.

Take for example this group Gnarls Barkley. In case you haven’t heard, they’re already the biggest group in the UK (which is a lot more susceptible to phony, manufactured hype) since, I don’t know, the Libertines or whatever. Their new album, which I reviewed yesterday, is bound to go down as one of the year’s greatest abortions in musical form. It fucking sucks balls. But given its current amount of hype, not to mention the world’s most elaborate MySpace profile, it seems poised to be a rather big hit.

If the TIs at Warner Brothers actually manage to sell any more than 100,000 copies of this garbage, it has to represent the dawn of some new era in pop music. But I’m holding out hope that today’s youth will listen to it beforehand (which is easier now than ever) and decide to spend their money on something more worthwhile, like a shitty dime bag of dirt weed.

* Nullus on considering buying a techno album, even if I was a teenager at the time.

  • 50 Cent

    i’m not gay, my boyfriend is(Lloyd Banks)

    *oils himself up to YMCA*

  • 50 Cent

    p.s. Tony Yayo was so seductive in prison!!!!!!!!

  • Belize

    LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haaaaa!!!!!!!!! find a new job, u fin to get replaced cuz ur LAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! dont be mad Car Washes are hiring u lame!!!!!!!!!

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    you’re only 25? damn you seem older… and I’m only 24!

    LOL @ The Prodigy… no comment on that.

    Yeah I dunno about the Gnarls Barkley… well, I don’t know about Cee-Lo’s signing … not something I’m with @ all. Danger Mouse sounds better with Doom rocking over him anyways.

  • http://www.concreteloop.com Angel La.

    I think you’re just fishing for shit to complain about now. Just do another real world review, and you’ll be alright.

  • http://www.myspace.com/xadam22 Adam22

    me thinks you didn’t even know it’s a cee lo cd.

  • Belize

    ADAM22, u are right thats y he’s lammmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..dont even know that gnarley barkley is danger mouse n cee-lo, haaaaaaaaa, he’s lammmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeee, damn i didnt think elliot wilson would hire someone lameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Rome

    why do you call the record executives TIs, maybe i missed something.

  • http://xxlmag.com Bol

    >you’re only 25? damn you seem older… and I’m only 24!

    That’s 25 years of hard livin’.

    >I think you’re just fishing for shit to complain about now. Just do another real world review, and you’ll be alright.

    Yeah, it’s time I’ve done something positive on this site. After all, positivity is inherently better than negativity.

    As my editor would say, Why beat a dead horse?

    >why do you call the record executives TIs, maybe i missed something.

    It’s short for tall Israeli.

  • definition

    you think that one number one single makes them ‘the biggest group in uk?’

    is that by your standards? Just because D4L run your country one number 1 single else where doesn’t mean anything.

    but eh, ignorance gets you the presidency so you i see where you’re going.

  • http://www.trumanindex.com Joe

    Bol -

    My name is Joe Barker and I am a reporter for your alma maters student paper, The Index. We were wanting to do a story of a Truman State grad who went on to do something unique. I would really like to get ahold of you and do an interview. My email is jeb938 – you should know the rest.

    Thanks a lot.
    Joe

  • daesonesb

    >Why beat a dead horse?

    I would say no homo here, but it doesn’t quite fit …

    Nullus Beastialiticus?

  • hustlemania

    Angel La. Says:
    April 18th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
    I think you’re just fishing for shit to complain about now. Just do another real world review, and you’ll be alright.

    exactly.. this dudes a joke, but no ones laughin.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    My question to some of these comments… so what if it’s a DM/Cee-Lo CD? Does that mean its golden? I mean if people like it, people like it…and vice versa. Opinions are like assholes?

  • Definition

    one number 1 single does not make them the ‘biggest group in UK’. it merely makes them one of the 342333854938 of groups that have a number 1 single.

    or are D4L the biggest group in America?

  • Ricardo

    If this post isn’t your typical everybody’s-hyping-it-so-it-MUST-be-shit type of behavior, then I don’t know what it is, honestly.

  • http://djxplcit.blogspot.com http://djxplcit.blogspot.com

    >whatever that album was by that group Prodigy*. You know, the one with “Smack My Bitch Up

    it was called “the fat of the land”. no homo on knowing that?

    and by the way “smack my bitch up” is a line by kool keith, when he was in ultramagnetic – “give the drummer some”

    switch up
    change my pitch up
    smack my bitch up
    like a pimp

  • http://www.dj-marcwest.com DJ Marc West

    this was actually something worth reading, seems like you were on a man hunt for the south or something, but i’ve been hearing about this album, didn’t really pay much attention to it, but more light was shed on it.

  • Five Deadly

    typical pointless hating. right down to the generic “gay” insult. i swear, you internet columnists live to complain. you need to check yourself.

  • favian

    the prodigy was the first british artist/group what have you, to debut at #1 in the united states since the beatles at the time when that album came out.

    You’re quite awful at spinning the truth in your favor. Let’s not forget their countless international #1 and top 10 singles. Its funny how you forgot to mention that. Their last album debuted at #1 in england, and they received many accolades. But we already know what your ignorant ass thinks of england.

    Maybe your local music store only sold one copy of that disc because it was located in an area where that kind of music wasn’t desired to begin with.

    Again you’ve established yourself as an ignorant armchair critic who frowns upon innovation.

    awful. and i wont even touch the homophobia of the title of this article, which automatically discredits your article.

    awful attempt at journalism.

  • prodigy

    you went with your mom to pick up a cd from someone who’s music you knew nothing about. too bad the ability to download hasnt improved your intelligence in the 9 years thats passed

    hoping somebody doesnt buy an album, what a faggot

  • st. louisan

    hahaha! Truman State! We all know the world epicenter of the hip-hop explosion lies in Kirksville, MO!

  • yfo866

    I’m 40 and i suppose i must be gay too ‘CAUSE I LIKE IT! Had never heard the song before it got to number one. It makes a change to be able to hear whats being sung. No dissin women, no drugs just a guy with a decent voice with decent music behind him, although i couldn’t work out where the cabin crew connection came from when i saw them on Top Of The Pops. Did any one notice how high up on the dude’s afro the hat was on the keyboard player’s was? I nearly choked on my tea! Funny! Still they will never be the next Pink Floyd.
    Whats a D4L? Is it like WD40?

  • http://www.sonia-portuguese.com rajbot

    Using gay as a pejorative to describe something that is gay as a complement is like sticking your cock in a glory hole expecting some non sexual perversion to occur.

  • A -Ra

    Wow you really don’t know what good music is. Since you claim that its all “bullshit” from the corps, why didn’t you give examples of corporate marketing? CAUSE THERE ARE NON! The hype behind this album is from people that actually know what good music is. How did you get your job seriously? A talented producer and a true artist and poet with a unique sound come out with something fresh and new from all the bullshit music thetas out now (that someone like you most likely loves) and you want to shoot it down. Whine all you want, this is good music and it’s gonna sell. 1st song in history to go to number one off of downloads alone. Sure threes hype but it’s from the people, Danger Mouse has been a pretty much underground producer he’s not gonna get corporate hype, idiot. Cee Lo is the most underrated artist in the industry and is finally after 2 solo albums getting the recognition he deserves. Album drops today lets see how America takes it, get mad

  • http://www.myspace.com/thegabness Gaby

    WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. What the f*** are you talking about? You’re obviously no where NEAR educated… How much musical education do you have? Why are you being paid to write this bullsh*t? Your ignorance clearly states how narrow-minded you are, and coming from a musician, Gnarls Barkley is AMAZING. The music industry is at a drought for fresh material and this is a breath of fresh air. However, if you have better music to feed us then let’s hear it. I highly doubt you have the brain capacity to produce such intricate tracks like Danger Mouse and write poetry/sing riffs the way Cee-Lo does. Wake the f*ck up, your brain seems to be dormant. Also, how dare you insult the the British culture by saying they are “a lot more susceptible to phony, manufactured hype”. Besides that, I can’t believe your editor let you publish such a title like, “Gnarls Barkley is Gay”, which is clearly defaming the Gay/Lesbian community. If you’re going to be a writer, especially for such a large publication, I suggest you go to school. It’s because of people like you in the media that good music isn’t going mainstream. The only thing circulating is nonsense by fake rappers and studio singers that can’t really sing in person. Say something to enhance and progress the hip-hop community, not make it look like ignorant sh*t like you’re doing right now.

  • Someone smarter than u

    you clearly don’t know wut ur talking about. i don’t need explain myself. anyone with a brain is already callin u out. just quit ur job man, ur obviously not qualified for this job if you say ignorant and disrespectful sh*t like that. do the world a favor and go play in traffic or pick up a habit like smoking or suicide.

  • Vanessa

    And that, my friend, is your opinion! I saw him live, listened to his Cd, bought it and I love it!!!! HAHAHA Bless your soul! Has a 60′s 70s Vibe!

  • yfo866

    Right on Vanessa!I saw him sing live on Top Of The Pops, and have just bought the album. Great album!

  • m_morgan

    Im so sorry your musical ear has fallen deaf. Thank god for real hip-hop magazines and real journalist that can have a real eye and ear for musical talent. You are just not up on the level anymore dude…..

  • young irv

    gnarls barkely is a muthafucking masterpiece don’t get mad cause the shit is over your head. maybe if you opened your mind you would see that st. elsewhere is going to be one the best albums to come out this year unless that boy hov get back in the studio.

    p.s. stop hatin!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Magnetic

    XXLMAG.com have just lost some respect, as I have the st. elsewhere album, and frankly it’s brilliant, much better than the generic hip-hop being flung out, by shady/aftermath and all that

    The Big Bang is piss poor, with only 4 good tracks on it, whereas Gnarls Barkley have made an album with excellent production from Dangermouse and well sung vocals from cee-lo, the material on the album is more true to life, talking about subjects such as suicide, rather than the usual, ‘money, drugs, ho’s, etc…”

    so stfu about fuckin sucks balls you ignorant fool..

  • F

    i think the writer of this column is gay..get a new job sucka

  • Tricia

    I totally agree that the Gnarls Barkley album “…fucking sucks balls.” I just don’t know what people are thinking these days. It’s as if the general population forgot what good music is, and will sit there and eat any line of shit fed to them happily…and smile with brown teeth. LOL

  • http://www.cjlo.com maybe?face!

    i’m just amazed/dumbfounded that there are still people saying shit like “it’s not about hos and money” and “it’s not the usual shady/aftermath garbage” as if these types of comments contain any real insight into hip hop and/or knowledge pertaining to hip hop music. there are tons of acts rapping about a myriad of topics. there are also cats rapping about all kindsa gangsta-ass shit, and doing it very well, but since people can’t distinguish skill from hype these fall by the wayside . whenever something like gnarls barkley comes along, touted as some sort of masterpiece by a press aching to be hip, it is invariably received as comfy-fun by people who don’t know shit about rap music. seems i keep hearing about the cee-lo/dm project from those people, fuckin bougie hipsters who are the first to know about this type of crap and the last to know about music that’s actually any good. i wonder how many new people i’m gonna hear about mf doom from now that dm has fully landed in the mainstream? “that doom is such a character, what a wit! thank god someone is finally rapping about something other than bitches and drugs. now if i can just figure out what ‘shorties’ and ‘fishscale’ are, i’ll be a hip hop connoiseur.”

    haha, kid telling this guy that gnarls barkley is cee-lo and dangermouse…who is cee-lo? can you tell me who the goodie mob were? who else was in that group? why is the south is durty? go cop a fuckin slug album and jerk off to yourself in the mirror while telling everyone on the internet how much he understands you.

  • Kevin

    This album is bullshit, it’s strictly for homos over in the uk and folks who only listen to music while they’re alone at their computer talking on instant messenger. Just for laughs I played some of this Gnarls Barkley joint for some REAL people. Ain’t nobody with an ounce of realness in their body gonna feel this. Maybe Cee-Lo will get paid off this, because this record has the potential to be the latest Dorky White Hipster Anthem of ’06. It might end up like the Speakerboxx/Love Below of this year. At best, it comes off as an cute little joint for the summer with no replay value.

  • http://xxlmag.com James Bond

    Whats all the UK talk about? We know music better than anyone plus we are diverse(big word 4 some of you). Gnarls may be eclectic but its decent music the reason it has done well over here is because our club scene is not single minded and one dimensional (same shit different day talk about pretending to sell drugs) We just bored of fake criminals who actually go studio all day not xyz…

  • an artist signed major and indie

    I think your comments are on point. The problem now is the industry caters to EXTREMELY weak shit, so when something OK comes along, it’s hailed as the great thing. Music is being graded on the curve right now. When people say it’s like “60′s and 70′s” music, it means that the effect of marketing has taken effect. Any good music doesn’t really have a time association. I’ve heard avant garde music from the 60′s that were using records for looping, that sounded like someone did it last year. The reality is, this album is ok. These are high budget albums, but the recording is ghetto and homemade. I mean this in the bad sense, because homemade recordings, like beach boys, or even throbbing gristle 100% analog recordings sound really good. It doesnt matter where you record your songs, but you have to know the sound your after. People who use strictly samples can’t mold a true sound. Only a FEW people have pulled this off ever, and that didn’t mean that the music was good, but from a cohesive sonic presence it was even. These guys get props like it’s phil spector’s on the boards. There is no science to their mix, the sounds are flat, the production on songs like “crazy” is a simple record chops, he MAYBE used 3 records tops, and it sounds hissy. His drum production has ALWAYS been flat, and soul II soul has more swing in their drum programming than he does. Dilla is rippin this fools mpc skills apart. This IS some hipster shit, I’m in the scene, and could even tell you about the owner of waxploitation which is partly responsible for marketing this shit. This is why they change their clothing gimmick everyshow, this way you take focus off of the music. It’s a change from the norm, and a step in the right direction, but it seems the commericalism idea of trying to make ONE kinda new thing (only new to the mainstream) the one and only cuting edge group and representative for the “new” sound. This is not the next shit, and it does show you how marketing plays a huge effect. The idea is to get this type of marketing group behind a group that is actually on some new ill shit… when your crazy, you dont need to say your crazy, only marketing likes to make the obvious, obvious.

  • Jigsaw Puzzle

    GNARLS BARKLEY, wow, must’ve took him a whole 10 minutes on the crapper to think up that ingenius shit. I mean, with that great voice he has, his good looks, and that incredibly large cranium, he’s a sure hit. (Thanks to this incredibly thwarted MTV reality we now live in.)

  • lucas

    i heard this guy uses acid, not even an mpc. maybe this explains the cheap sound.

  • Brittany

    well i like the song crazy by gnarls barkley his other songs i dont really know.

  • Larry

    Shut that bs down chief. Gnarls Barkley is tight. You sound like someone who has no talent, so you make yourself feel better by criticizing others. You sound a little gay yourself…go and do something constructive with your time.

  • Danny

    artists like gnarls barkley and the gorillaz are creating a new king of music, u can tell their music is similar this is the music of the future…. after hip-hop and rap fades out i can see this really trippy crazy music like these artists becoming really famous

  • Brian Smith

    Is this guy really serious. The beats are crisp, Cee-lo’s voice is amazing and all but one song on the cd make me want to dance like crazy. The album flows beautifully. It is an amazing record. The fact that you are hating on it like you are, is quite appaulling, and you shouldn’t be aloud to review music any longer if you cannot clearly see that this album is golden.

  • E~Black

    Why in the world you goin to a BlackBuster Music ???? Pointless hating

  • E~Black

    Gnarls Barkley is gay??????
    You don’t Know much about Music………
    CD is Good

  • EL

    Gnarls Barkley is whack! People are just running out of choices. It may sound good in comparison to today’s rap music but that shit ain’t hip hop. Plus, Dangermouse is a hit-and-miss producer. Even “Demon Dayz” is lukewarm. Gnarls is winning by default. I’m glad someone already mentioned race as an issue. That way I don’t have to be the first. People desperately want Dangermouse to be the white, savior who revolutionized hip hop. What’s sad is so many of these garbage ass rappers are letting this overrated clown have the crown. What’s so new and fresh about music that sounds retro?! Talk about irony! A fat black guy with a soulful ,churchy voice singing over sampled, lo-fi beats.

  • MsMiseryTX

    People desperately want Dangermouse to be the white, savior who revolutionized hip hop.

    DM is black, moron.

  • EL

    “DM is black, moron.”

    Knowing that makes him cool in my book! But Gnarls is still whack.

  • http://www.myspace.com/jonnielasvegas JonnieLasVegas aka ColdSteel

    Yessir! Gnarls Barkley sux azz! Fuck Cee-lo he’s been wack since the day he was born! And who da fuck is Danger Mouse & who da fuck cares. Throw that mierda out! Shit ain’t even hip hop related, so we shouldn’t be talkin’ about it here, should be on some white boy skater site wit Pharell wack azz!

  • kane

    900,000 sold and still countin you faggots!

  • gemma

    all i wana god damn no is if gnarls barkley is gay or not ??

  • Big Tuna

    Fuck Gnarls Barkley. I agree with what the writer said. :]]] Finally someone with balls and brains. YEAH!

  • burger king

    I bet Charles Barkley must hate the fact these gay boys rhymed their duo after him. LOL!

    What is up with the different costumes?

    Did you hear that the first time Clay Aiken saw these guys he said, “Damn, that sure is gay!”?

    Any you called it one year ago! Nice work.

    Did they win the Grammy for the gayest new group?

  • dairy queen

    hey burger king? wanna fuck?

  • http://myspace.com/ramonworld Ramon A.K.A. Talent(Singer,Rapper,Producer,Writer,Guitarist,Pianist,Musician!!!!)

    No homo. Your taste is not expanded enough,maybe you should take small steps till your ears get conditioned to something this creative. The UK sales are true,they buy albums there still. These dudes together are a breath of fresh air to the world of music. Takes you back,it’s timeless music,it’s like they took recording sessions on cd’s through back to the future. Try Speakerbox/LoveBelow by Outkast then bump Gnarls Barkley’s album on rhapsody.com for free and i you should thing different.