Before I begin, I just have to wonder: Was everyone on their cycle this week? (Yes, including the men—there are times I think the men—with the exception of Joe Budden—have more estrogen than the women…) I’ve never seen so much crying in one episode. And the funny part is, the Queen of Cheese and Whine, Jen The Pen, wasn’t even on the show this week, and you know she knows how to bring the water-works.
Well, anyway, let’s get right to it.
Erica is all but unglued about Olivia recording the song that she (cough) made famous. And she realizes, finally, that her issue lies not with Olivia, but with Rich. For a brief moment, it looked like Yandy was going to play Captain Save-a-Mena and take over Rich’s management non-contract, but alas, it was not meant to be. Yandy gave Erica more than a few lessons about the industry (he didn’t owe you the record; he’s the only manager that actually gives a damn about you; managers aren’t breaking down doors to manage a washed-up video vixen), thereby sending Erica back into the arms of Rich—and his full-sized bed—with her Rainbow lingerie and CityTrends shoes.
This, of course, does not sit well with Mama Dollaz, whose constant shade-face said more than anything else she could have said throughout the season. She clearly does not like Erica, and she clearly does not like the fact that Erica is with her son. She thinks that Erica is straight up disrespectful (she’s right), and she’s certainly not falling for the game that Erica is succeeding in running on her son.
Meanwhile, the venom being spewed from the Angry Bird Brigade (Al Bundy, the Queen of Cheese and Whine) is getting under Raqi’s skin, and she (spoiler alert!) cried to her bestest-girlfriends-ever (Yandy and Lore’l) about it. Yandy and Lore’l wisely counseled her to ignore and forget about people who are beneath her. (Not as easy as it sounds, though…)
But with a newfound determination to keep grindin’, Raqi went back up to what was “once the hottest radio station in New York” (I caught that, Raqi…you ain’t low!), Hot 97, and angled to get her job back…only to be told by Ebro that her relationships with Consequence and Joe Budden are not at the Jay-Z level. (Harsh reality, I know…) However, Ebro gave her great advice about the industry (finally, some “hip-hop” in the “Love & Hip-Hop”!)—that it’s all about relationships—her to go swallow her pride and go get the interview with Joe Budden—who only promised to sit down with an interview with Raqi if she agreed to go apologize to Tahiry. Raqi got a look on her face that indicated she’d rather get a Pap smear from Captain Hook than say “lo siento” to Tahiry, but she reluctantly agreed to do it for Joe’s sake. And they shook on it. See? Bestest friends 4evah!
Speaking of bestest-girlfriends-ever, Olivia had a sit-down with Rich’s ex-but-not-really-ex Tiffany, who was dispatched by Rich to spy on Erica. Things didn’t exactly work out that way, though, and as Olivia found out—to her seemingly-eternal disgust; she was all but dry-heaving at the thought—Tiffany ended up, ah, sleeping with the enemy. Yeah. Whoops. So—just so you’re all on the same page as me—Tiffany was sent to spy on Erica by Rich, but she ended up sleeping with Erica, who is now in love with Tiffany, who is still in love with Rich, who is still sleeping with Erica. YUCK. I’m with my girl Olivia—this is just plain nasty.
Over in N.J., Tahiry had a meeting with her mami, and she wasted no time in showing her the latest magazine cover. Now, as an aside, if I were posing with my butt-cheeks in the air, the absolute last person I would want to show is my mother, because the next scene would be out of Cops (or, if I caught her in a good mood, Lockup) with various shoes, wooden utensils, and belts (we’re Italian/Sicilian) being thrown at my head. Even if my mother were one of that rare breed of “progressive” mothers, I still wouldn’t show her…because she’s my mother. Let’s have a little respect, shall we? But then again, this is “Love & Hip-Hop,” and the word “respect” doesn’t exist. And apparently, Tahiry’s mom thinks this it’s oh-so-beautiful that her daughter, at 34 years old, is still bussin’ it wide open in badly-taken photographs.
And if that wasn’t enough to give Tahiry issues, we come to find out that Tahiry’s father was nothing if not a rolling stone. He cheated on Tahiry’s mother—with whom he has three daughters, of which Tahiry is the oldest—then got arrested and deported when Tahiry was 18. He then proceeded to knock up an indeterminate number of women until Tahiry ended up with 10 brothers and sisters (the youngest of which is—wait for it—a few months old). And to put icing on the cake that is this situation, Tahiry’s father ended up forging the mother’s signature on the divorce papers to get the divorce granted. You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to figure out that Tahiry’s need to pose in all-but-gonzo-porn-type photos—and call it “urban modeling” to boot—stems from this cluster-fudge of a situation.
And last, but certainly not least, comes “The Proposal Heard ‘Round The Twitter-verse.” Despite the fact that the “real estate agent” is actually a Perfections stripper (this fact comes courtesy of Nigel D., who’s been in Perfections enough to know—thanks, Nigel!) —despite the fact that the average price of a home in Franklin Lakes, N.J., is $1.5 million (a fair price, I checked) and the happy couple doesn’t have money like that (at least, not that which is, ah, legally obtained…) —despite the fact that the home looked suspiciously like Teresa Guidice’s old house from “Real Housewives of New Jersey”—I know real love when I see it, and despite all the flaws, quirks, and Big Red Bulls, Yandy and Mendeeces love each other, and they deserve all the happiness in the world. So, congratulations to the happy couple, and may you have many years of happily wedded bliss. And despite my tendency for unrepentant, blistering snark, I give those wishes with sincerity. Felicidades!
Until next time, cats and kittens…