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Just say no to Juelz Santana

I know it’s a recession and all, but damn. Don’t let me find out Juelz Santana got busted for selling drugs to schoolchildren.

Here’s what we know, based on a blog post I skimmed a couple of hours ago at Sandra Rose, and a news item here that wasn’t as informative (just saying): 5-0 conducted a raid on Juelz Santana’s studio, in Bergen County, NJ (where all the gully rappers hang out), in which they found two guns, several boxes of ammunition and 17 ziploc bags bags filled with marijuana.

Obviously, the shit wasn’t for his own personal use, if it was in 17 different bags, as if it had been killed in prison; and obviously the shit wasn’t for sale to high rollers, if it was separated into 17 different bags. He wasn’t functioning as a distributor to other drug dealers, who then stomp on it and break it down into tiny quantities, for people who can’t buy a lot at once, because they have addiction problems. like Young Jeezy. This was some real nickel and dime shit, like in high school.

In addition to the drugs and weapons offenses, Juelz was charged with possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance withing 1,000 feet of a school zone. Which I’m sure they throw the book at you for, even if they don’t have pictures of you giving kids free samples of various drugs in order to get them hooked, which I heard, in the DARE program, is what they do. If Juelz had been busted with a few kilos of fishscale, or some shit kids could neither afford nor fuxwit, his lawyer could argue that obviously there was no intent to actually distribute to schoolchildren. But this motherfucker got caught with umpteen bags of dirt weed – the main drug they use in elementary school, unless it’s been overtaken by bath salts. Plus, you know good and well Cam’ron probably has a rhyme somewhere in his oeuvre about how he’ll even sell drugs to schoolchildren. He talks about selling people’s mothers drugs at least once per album. That may even be the source of tension between him and Jay-Z.

I remember reading a couple of weeks ago where one of Juelz Santana’s weed carriers, a weed carrier for a weed carrier (in a recession!), got busted with drugs. Probably weed. 5-0 was supposedly looking for Juelz Santana, but they found this guy instead. Maybe they thought this guy was Juelz Santana. He’s not that famous, plus you know how 5-0 has a hard time telling black people apart. Every now and again, you’ll hear about a black cop getting shot by one of his colleagues, because they thought he was a gangbanger. (That was how Officer Przbylewski decided to pursue a career in education, in The Wire. Spoiler alert.) How in the fuck are they gonna tell Juelz Santana from Juelz Santana’s weed carrier? Maybe they heard Juelz Santana’s real name is Laron James, and they found a nigga who looks like Lebron James. If so, he should check to see if he’s Lebron James’ real father. I think I see a way out of this!

So, Juelz Santana’s weed carrier got busted a few weeks ago, and now Juelz Santana himself has somehow been arrested. Hmm… That’s now how that situation was supposed to pan out, is it? I wonder if Juelz Santana assumed that his weed carrier would explain to 5-0 that the several dime bags of dirt weed they found on him belonged to him, not his boss, the same way Juelz would if he were to get busted, and 5-0 started asking questions about Cam’ron. That would explain why he didn’t bother getting rid of those 17 ziploc bags of weed he got caught with, or at least moving them to somewhere that’s not within 1,000 feet of a school zone. Or it could be that Juelz Santana’s financial situation is not at a point where he can afford to just throw away 17 dime bags of dirt weed, a “reported street value” of $170, as they’d say on the news.

In the item in this site’s news section, Juelz Santana’s brother cops a plea with regard to the fact that it appears as if he hasn’t been able to put up the $125,000 it would cost to temporarily spring big brother Juelz from the pokey. Pause. He said he did, it’s just that all the computers are down in the prosecutors office, so it seems like he didn’t. Oh, really?

Translation: He’s on the phone with their mom, trying to get her to put her house up (plus her jewelry and the good china, if necessary) as collateral, but she wants him to stay in there for the rest of the week, to teach him a lesson. Plus, that china belonged to his grandmother, who would roll over in her grave, if she found out he got busted selling drugs to schoolchildren.

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