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The role Kanye was born to play

Yesterday, in this site’s news section, there was a post on how Kanye West is set to play a teh ghey character in a film produced by Jay-Z and Oprah Winfrey. Then, 15 minutes later, there was a another post, in which Kanye cleared things up, not about whether or not about whether or not Jay-Z and Oprah are paying him to play a fudge in a movie, but about a joke he attempted to make on Twitter about how a song by Britney Spears, of all people, is currently beating out the godawful “H.A.M.” for the title of #1 song on iTunes[1]. I’ve taken this to mean that Kanye really is set to play a teh ghey character in a film produced by Jay-Z and Oprah Winfrey.

Further reasons why this must be true:

(1) Kanye has been known to go to ridonkulous lengths to prove he isn’t a homophobe. As if.

Remember that bizarre MTV special from back in like, ’05, where he showed off some of the artwork he did when he was in high school, and then he lectured the camera on why it’s not cool to be a homophobe, mmkay? A teh ghey newspaper which has since gone out of business did a story on it, and used, as an example of the opposition, i.e. of someone who thinks it’s okay to be a homophobe, none other than yours truly. Maybe there could be a Bol character in this film. They could Denzel (of course) to play me. I’ll write the “dialogue.” Oprah, holler at your boy.

(2) The Illuminati has been known to force rappers to kiss other guys in movies.

Will Smith did it, back in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (nullus), or whatever it’s called. I can still remember, umpteen years after the fact,  watching a segment on Entertainment Tonight on how the role involved him kissing another guy and thinking that he must be secretly teh ghey, and this was a way for him to get away with kissing another guy in public, similar to how the suspect kid in your high school was always the main one wanting to play that game where you jerk off onto a cookie.

(3) There’s a connection between Jay-Z, Oprah, and Will Smith, who’s probably involved with this as well.

Jay-Z was the first rapper on Oprah since MC Hammer on Christmas Day back in like, 1990 (I remember that shit, too), and the next thing you know, I’m hearing he’s producing some teh ghey-looking Broadway show (redundancy alert) with Will Smith, and signing Will Smith’s daughter, who looks like she was put together in a centrifuge at the $cientology headquarters out in LA, to Roc Nation, alongside J. Cole and Jay Electronica. I even seem to recall hearing about the two of them going half on an investment in the beauty products company. Question: Why in the fuck would a guy want to invest in a beauty products company? I mean, I could see a chicken wing restaurant. Shout out to E-40.

(4) There’s no excuse to kiss another guy in a movie, unless you’re a fudge.

I’m assuming that’s the extent of the teh ghey activity in this movie, Stinkfingers Coltrane, or whatever it’s called, but who knows. All it says in the aforementioned post is that the role includes a homosexual love scene. Anyway, here’s why I don’t buy the argument that it’s homophobic to refuse kissing a guy in a movie. Yeah, straight guys kiss girls in movies all the time and it’s supposedly just acting, but who in their right mind really thinks that’s all it is? Not to ruin the game for straight male actors everywhere… but there’s no way a guy can even stand close enough to a woman to look down her shirt and not have it be at least kinda sexual, let alone kiss her. If there was, shouldn’t guys be allowed to fuck girls in (mainstream, boring) films? I rest on your face. No fishsticks.

(5) This is obviously part of Oprah’s plan to emasculate black men.

Who in the fuck has even heard of a teh ghey jazz band? Jazz musicians were probably even more straight than rappers. Not that that’s saying a whole lot, these days. You’d never see a jazz musician wearing a suit two sizes too small, to show off an outline of his crotch. Ever heard of a zoot suit? That’s probably because they didn’t want other guys checking out their junk while they were playing a solo. It’s a known fact (look it up) that Miles Davis had one foot in the jazz game and one foot in the pimp game throughout the 1970s and would smack the shit out of a woman.

[1] Doesn’t he know you can just buy a shedload of copies of your own song, like that kid Sam Adams? Or has Steve Jobs since put a safeguard in place against that? It’s been a while since I’ve heard anything from Sam Adams. Though I did hear, on NPR or some shit, about some black kid who was stealing people’s credit cards and using them to buy his own music.

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