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Stop talking out of your ass, Chuck D

A scathing new editorial by Chuck D over at AllHipHop begins with the bizarre assertion that if there were a such thing as a Rap Olympics, the US wouldn’t bring home very many gold medals, just like how the US apparently isn’t as competitive as it used to be at Olympic basketball.

Translation: Chuck D is upset about the fact that Public Enemy isn’t nearly nearly as popular here in the US as it is in the rest of the world, where people don’t know to let go of old music. That is, except for Flavor Flav’s series of hilarious reality shows on VH1, including the one where he was dating Sylvester Stallone’s gigantic ex-wife, which, I’m not gonna lie, I think I fapped to back in like ’03 (just thought you’d like to know), and Professor Griff’s hilarious and informative videos on YouTube (and thus World Star Hip Hop) about how hip-hop is run by the Illuminati.

But what does Chuck D have? He could try publishing a series of editorials in which he’s constantly bragging about the number of countries he’s been to, like my grandfather, the late, great Dick Dixon, and accidentally repeating himself over the course of a thousand words or so, because his brain is growing a thin candy shell, but people on the Internets don’t really like to read. Take it from someone who should know. I’ve published over a million words here in the past just-about-five years, many of them I made up myself, and I shudder to think what I’ve been paid on a per word basis. It might not even be possible to display on a calculator without that little e. Whatever that means.

Chuck D might be especially anxious these days, because, as mentioned in the piece, he recently turned 50, and people tend to get anxious as they approach those milestone birthdays, even though their actual significance is mostly symbolic. Jay-Z hasn’t had a good idea (well, one that was useful to me personally) since he turned 30, but I’m sure that’s a mere matter of coincidence. I’m only about two months shy of the big 3-0 myself, and my fear is that my peen won’t always work as well as it has (despite my lifestyle, nullus). Then what am I gonna do? Get another part-time job? Just because I’m old doesn’t mean that I’m not still black.

A year or so ago, or maybe even a couple of years ago at this point, PE tried to pull one of those moves where you get random people on the Internets (as opposed to a record label) to fund the making of your album, but it didn’t work out, because they couldn’t get enough people to donate. The way these sites like Kickstarter work is, you donate some money, but if the artist doesn’t reach the actual fundraising goal he set, you get your money back. That way, Ras Kass (to use an example) can’t just take said money and use it to buy a bottle of Ciroc.

I seem to recall reading that Public Enemy didn’t quite reach its fundraising goal – which I remember thinking was a bit much anyway, in this age when you can record an album just by plugging a microphone right into the side of your laptop. (How else to explain half of the shit on Nah Right?) But then, a while later, I read somewhere that they did finally get enough money. I wonder if Chuck D himself pitched in the remaining amount, to avoid embarrassment. You know good and well he’s got the money. He’s been on 71 tours. It says right there in his editorial.

I don’t know why he bothered trying to raise money via the Internets in the first place. Maybe because he knew the album was destined to lose money, and he didn’t want lose any of his own money. In the editorial, he prides himself on the fact that he drives a 94 Montero and a 97 Acura (perhaps the very same one mentioned in the song “All About the Benjamins”). I’m sure the idea there was to prove that he has no use for fancy material things, but you’d have to think he’s also a frugal motherfucker. I mean, if he’s been on 71 tours, and his cars are from two decades ago, just like my car. He’s probably one of these people who keeps a big Ziploc bag of fast food condiments in his pantry. As if it matters what kind of car he drives. By a show of hands, did anyone’s opinion on Chuck D change (for the better, I mean) when you found out he owns two POS cars? See, no one gives a shit!

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