Bury me a bag handler
First of all, a special new category has been added to The First Annual Weed Carrier Awards. Hey, Why Weren’t These Guys Nominated? – The Most Glaring Omission From Original List Award. If you haven’t already, you might want to head over there and vote for whoever you feel should’ve been included in the original awards, but wasn’t.
On a more serious note, 2006 has been arguably the most tragic year for the personal assistance industry since the year Elvis died. We’re not even half way through the year, and already three major bag handlers have bought the proverbial farm. At the rate we’re going, this could mean as many as six major doobie rollers dead by year’s end.
That said, it’d be a disservice to the likes of Desmond Hawkins and Joe C to pretend as if all of these deaths were equally as tragic. Here, then, is a list of weed carrier deaths in order of tragic-ness.
- Desmond Hawkins. I don’t know that there’s anything more tragic in this life than a weed carrier being killed by his own proprietor. As Lewis Black would say, it’s just not right.
- Freaky Tah. I have no idea why Freaky Tah was killed, but the Lost Boyz had two good songs, which makes his death fairly tragic.
- Joe C. Like many midgets, Kid Rock’s tiny sidekick Joe C suffered from some kind of rare liver disease.
- Israel Ramirez. Busta Rhymes’ jewelry handler was tragically gunned down by predicate felon Tony Yayo on the set of the video for the “Touch It” remix earlier this year.
- Slang Ton. A member of the Outsidaz, who carried for the Fugees back during the Score era, though he may have already been dead at that point. Still that’s a damn good album.
- Kadafi. A member of the god-awful 2Pac weed carriers group the Outlaws, who died not too long after ‘Pac did. Which is actually rather romantic when you think about it.
- Chip Banks. This dude was a member of American Cream Team, which was sort of like Raekwon’s version of Theodore Unit, except that, in typical Raekwon fashion, they sucked balls.
- Philant Johnson. It’s been disputed whether or not he actually threw money in anyone’s face, but at the very least, he was at a party where someone got money thrown in their face.
- Proof. Rocking a blood alcohol level of over .300, which is Hank the Angry Drunk Dwarf territory, Proof shot a guy over a pool game, and was then shot dead by the guy’s cousin.
- Big Hawk. I never heard of this guy, but apparently he used to carry for DJ Screw.
 On a not-very-interesting note, some kids from my high school, on a senior trip of some sorts, were staying at the hotel where Freaky Tah bit the dust, back in ’99. Never let it be said that Creve Coeur isn’t somewhat gully.
 For legal purposes, it should be noted that it would take more time than I’m willing to spend to actually prove this.
 Hank the Angry Drunk Dwarf, from the Howard Stern program, once blew a .500 on a breathalyzer test. His blood was literally mostly alcohol. Perhaps not coincidentally, he’s also dead now. RIP.