The Breakup

What the hell did Alexis Phifer do to Kanye West to be dismissed with a simple: “I don’t think this is going to work out anymore”? That pathetic breakup line is right up there with, “We need space” and “It isn’t you, it’s me.” Man, every female past her 18th birthday knows (or should know) that an unexplained breakup usually means her hungry boo has moved onto the next appetizer on the buffet.

But when your left hand is weighed down by a gem so big “it could pass for a bubble gum bauble” and you’re wrestling with hyphenating your last name (Alexis Phifer-West) or completely taking your man’s (Alexis West), you’d expect much more from your groom-to-be. I repeat: You expect it. But you don’t always get it, but I digress.

For months, I’ve waited patiently for the truth, a.k.a Miss New Booty, to make an appearance at an airport—maybe she’s a ride-or-die chick down to smash a paparazzo’s camera at LAX. Maybe MNB would shake a set of silicone double Ds in an accidentally leaked, widely-viewed video. Or maybe the new girl would shield her face after a wayward lens zoomed in for her reaction to ’Ye’s Auto-Tune mishap on Saturday Night Live.

No such luck. There’s an information drought, which forced me to reluctantly abandon the MNB theory. So I listened to the extremely whiny 808s & Heartbreak for clues, codes and name calling. There are a few jabs at being heartless, cold as winter and turning into “RoboCop,” but nothing specifically indicates what invisible sensor Alexis tripped to earn the fashionista a one-way ticket to Ex-Ville.

We all know that Kanye is on some other ish in the public eye, so imagine what Mr. Emo, I mean, Mr. West is like behind closed doors when the Millionaire shades come off. He probably goes all Ralph Tresvant with extreme sensitivity.

Someone please tell me the truth, did Alexis borrow the Louis Vuitton Don’s fave Louie bag without permission? Did she suggest that he change the name of his clothing line—Pastelle—to something with a more masculine ring? Or did she, like the rest of us, get the flu on his super-sized ego and annoying tantrums (which, technically, no one is allowed to have after age five) and call the engagement off? Hmm…

I think Miss Alexis Phifer decided that it’s better to discuss new trends in trousers at Fashion Week with “Kanye the Friend,” than watch “Kanye the Husband” spazz about her hogging up his precious mirror time and closet space. --Aya Tay