How unfortunate that Slim Thug's comments on why so many black women die poor and lonely became the talk of Black People Twitter the same week as the NBA Finals.

You guys know I can't check Twitter during big sporting events, because that's all anyone wants to talk about, and I could give a rat's ass. It's not that I hate sports. I'll watch a game, if I'm at a bar putting on a drunk [||], and that's what happens to be on TV. Even hockey, which seems more interesting to me than most sports fans would have you think, which makes me suspect that most people who watch a lot of sports don't really care for sports, that's just all they could think to do that doesn't involve reading. It's just that I don't give a shit who's playing, or who wins. There's hardly anything I wouldn't rather hear people talk about.

I bet I missed one hell of a conversation. Slim Thug's comments struck right at the very heart of the paradox black women: their problem has to do with the fact that people don't want to be with them, but they don't want to do anything to make themselves more desirable. Could it be that Slim Thug is a much smarter person than I'd suspected, or is it just that he's had a lot of bad experiences dealing with black women? Of course I'm gonna suggest the latter.

You can tell just from the level of detail. Because of my lack of relationship experience (it's true) with women in general, and black women in particular, a lot of this shit never would have occurred to me. For example, who knew that some people get into trouble with credit card debt because they literally have no idea how to go about paying the bill. Slim Thug must have been in a relationship with a woman in this very predicament. It probably didn't matter to her, since she didn't have a job, or any valuable property that could be repossessed. She could let that bill for a $3,000 bag collect interest in perpetuity. Worst case scenario, she could have a kid and put her light bill in its name. Plus, a lot of places now have laws against cutting off people's utilities just because they didn't pay the bill, Hoop Dreams-style, which I'm sure is part of the Illuminati's plan to make us that much more reliant on the government.

But as a guy, you don't want to get yourself involved with someone that retarded. They could fuck around and drag you down with them. Sometimes, for my own personal amusement, I sit around and watch these personal finance shows on cable, and they'll tell people straight up - don't get with someone with fucked up credit. You can have sex with them, but whatever you do, don't marry them. Because it's just gonna fuck your credit up too. It's something I hadn't really thought about, until I found out that I have very good credit. It even got me a discount on the homeowner's insurance for my house in a shanty town. It's not like I did anything to earn it, I'm just not retarded. I've been carrying a credit card since I was like 12, but I've never carried a balance for so much as a month. Despite my fascination with rap music, I don't have any interest at all in expense bullshit. The only Nikes I've ever had are the pair Dallas Penn sent me in the mail. (Not to put anyone's business out in the street, but he's generous like a mofo.)

If only I had a job that pays well (or at all, for that matter), I'd be set. I could get myself a woman like Slim Thug's girlfriend. I don't know what she actually looks like, but on paper at least, she sounds like she might be the most desirable woman possible: Halfrican American (a good thing more often than not), with white tendencies and a degree from Columbia, alma mater of Barack Obama and Vampire Weekend. Slim Thug says she knows better than to ask him for a buncha material bullshit, just because she has sex with him, but I doubt I could get a woman like that to come live with me here in my mud shack. There's a difference between not being materialistic, and lacking any and all concern for comfort and safety.

If anything, I should be the one who's upset. Slim Thug is getting it on with the woman who was so clearly born to be my wife, for free apparently, and I'm stuck here surrounded by women who could only ruin my already precarious financial situation. I know the stereotype is that single black women are doing so well for themselves, but the truth of the matter is that a lot of them are even worse off than I am, despite their fancy hair. According to a recent study, the median wealth for single black women is $5. That's hardly enough to buy a $5 footlong. I just ate a $5 footlong. (Nullus.) If they learned how to make a sandwich, maybe this wouldn't be an issue.

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