Rihanna Takes Beenie Man’s “Umbrella”

“Rihanna, I tell you. When Chris Brown hear about this, he gonna be messed up!” –Beenie Man (Di Girls Dem Sugar), Live at Digicel Barbados Reggae Festival

International reggae and dancehall superstar, Beenie Man, doused Rihanna’s remaining wounds with an entire bottle of Blue Mountain Jamaican curry powder this past Sunday at the Digicel Barbados Reggae Festival. During his set at Reggae on the Hill, a concert he and Buju Banton headlined to culminate the week-long music fest, the King of the Dancehall presented the crowd, which included Rihanna, with his ode to the Bajan beauty and the beatdown she endured.

After somehow convincing Rihanna to join him on stage, Beenie serenades the starlet to the tune of “Umbrella”.

“Me nah have no fancy car/ But me nah give you no scar./”

He inappropriately continues:

“I am a real badman from Jamaica./ Rihanna, you come from here./
But, me ah want to know you./ Have you under my umbrella./”

In a sorely misguided attempt at consolation, the nigga publicly humiliates Rihanna not only by unexpectedly discussing the altercation she's surely not allowed to address, but by making repulsive sexual advances such as telling the crowd where he plans to put his own “humbrella”.

Readers, be warned. This is not how you get your “humbrella” into someone’s “humbrella older”.

Thanks, Beenie Man! Thanks for mortifying Rihanna in her homeland and assuring that she’ll neeeeeever ever ever ever ever ever [see: Smokey, Friday] accept another call to anyone's stage. If you’re a performer with aspirations of bringing Rihanna to your side at a performance someday, thank di gyal dem sugar for officially taking a DG Kola Champagne and Ting piss all over the dream.

This shit show comes after Beenie Man allegedly insists, “A idiot ting whe Chris Brown a do,” according to an account on Caribbean “ooman” blog, Islandista. While she couldn't possibly have expected a fucked-up "Umbrella" cover, there's no way I'd have been on that stage following a comment like that.

Below is a special message to Beenie Man written in our super-secret voodoo speak:

Beenie,

'Ow yuh fi hengage hinna fuck’ry like dat, bossman? Yuh know from long time whe dis gyal 'affi hendure. Den yuh a gwon an chat bout how yuh go push yuh plantain hinna she gungo rice and peas? Blooooooodclaaaaaaaaaaat! Dat nah go ‘errrk! Me nah cyare a how much ratchet an ‘matic yuh chat bout cyarry inna yuh bumbaclot mafia chune dem. Yuh muss go back a Barbados an beg a bly!

Di wholla yard yuh hembarrass lass weekend, y’know.

Real ting,
Ron Gorgon
Di Bloodclaaat Gen’ral

Questions? Comments? Requests? Got a secret crush you plan on surprising at the school talent show this year? ron@ronmexicocity.com Mek me show yuh how fi dweet proppa, rude mon!