Only Built 4 CunniLingus Niggaz

If this were an episode of The Wire, our opening quote after “Way Down in the Hole” would have to be the following:

“My mouth too small to suck a dick.” -Raekwon

Raekwon has confused the fuck out of me many a day. I still don’t know what immobilarity is. I’m aware that it’s simultaneously the most ridiculous acronym ever conceived in a dust cloud and the most disappointing thing I'd heard since Senor Mexico never came home from the store back in '86--but aside from that I gots nothin’.

On Angela Yee’s Shade 45 radio show, our great immobilarilator and The Wire’s Felicia “Snewp” Pearson—who is a lesbian, mind you—spoke on homosexual mens in the rapster industry.

[Blogger’s Note: Sometimes Snoop just looks like a troubled 14-year-old boy. Strangely, she also swears off gay people like one.]

While discussing the prevalence of “Homies Over Hoes” in hip-hop, Raekwon provides the startling revelation above to explain why he couldn’t possibly be a successful homoseminal.

Alas! His mouth is too small to suck a dick.

I mean, I’m sure great jaw-opening range is part of the criteria for admission into the ultra-selective League of Extraordinary Homosexuals, but a tiny oral orifice couldn’t stop The Chef from cooking up some delicious cucumber salad as a regular-ass gay dude if his heart so desired.

Fuck what those mean boys in the leotards told him!

Raekwon’s deduction leads me to wonder how much research he’s done on the matter. He’s at least given it some serious thought. Perhaps some discussion with a real live card-carrying member of the LEH could have pointed our C.R.E.A.M.y friend in the right direction.

Raekwon: Peace, God.

Felicia “Snoop” Pearson: Yeooo.

Raekwon: Ayo, God. I was just wondering. *looking at shoes* Do you think I could be gay with this pretty little mouth?

Snoop: *confused* Nigga. Fuck yew tawkin’ bout?

Raekwon: Nah. Hear me out, God. Cuz I was thinking about it and I was like, boom. Maybe if my mouth wasn’t so little, I might could fit a little something up in there.

Snoop: Say no mo’, my nigga. Next time that thang don’t fit yew need to dip that shit in a pitcher of ice water. Make the whole thang shrink up and shit.

Raekwon: Oh, shit! The treasure in the glaciers of ice and shit. Say word.

Snoop: That’s for real. Or, you got a shew-hawn around the house?

Raekwon: *astonished* Pssssshhh! Do I got a fuckin shoehorn? You know how many Wallys I got?

Snoop: Yeah. Next time put that shit on ya bottom teef. Try’n slide it in.

Raekwon: All I need is a shoehorn? You sure I don’t need no… like a more emobilaborate setup or something?

Snoop: Man, shit. I done seen a tiny-ass 7-inch round head shew-hawn drop a nigga plenny of days, man. Mawfuckas get up, he like a pimp or whip yo’ ass up. Big joints, though? Big joints break a nigga jawbone. Yew just say, “Fuck it.”

Raekwon: Damn. I don’t be knowin' what the fuck you be talkin ‘bout, God.

Snoop: Whatever, nigga. It’s also lew-brickince and shit yew gotta yewse.

Raekwon: Lubricant? You mean like Vaseline and shit? That shit’s for faggits.

Snoop: Naw. Yew gotta get that Astroglide or sum’n. If yew gotcha paper right, fuck with that Ewberlewbe. Ole Hollywood-lookin nigga told me it was the Pink Cadillac of lewbe. Nigga meant a Lexus, but he ain’t knew better.

Raekwon: *rubbing lips in thought* Yeah.

Snoop: Yew gone need to send one of yo' girl relatives tew one of them sex toy store in the village so don’t nobody see yew down there though.

Raekwon: *slightly confused, but content* Knowledge, God!