NEGRO PLEASE: Shaq Just Kidding, Doesn’t Care to Know Ass Flavor?

[Editor's Note: "Blogger's Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

"You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.
You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.

I call myself 'Big,' but I’m not as good as Biggie.
I call myself 'Big' 'cause I live next to Diddy.
Excuse me. Diddy lives next to me.
So in the hood, dog, I feel like Big.
'Cause if Biggie was still here
He would be right there.
On Star Island in a mansion somewhere
Chillin. Sittin on about half a billion.
Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.
For real dog, Now that’s BIG.
And can’t nobody in the world do it bigger than me.
That’s like a white boy trynna be more nigga than me.
That’s like a homeless man havin more figures than me.
That’s like Patrick Ewing havin more rings than me.
That’s like rappers havin cars… things than me.
That’s like you sayin to yourself you better than me.
That’s like Kareem sayin to hisself he better than me.
Now stop. Think about that.
It ain’t about that.
It’s about BIG AKA Big Shaq.
Now, that’s the difference between first and last place.
Kobe. Nigga. Tell me how my ass taste.

Okay.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.
Okay. Everybody.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.

I’m a horse.
Kobe ratted me out.
That’s why I’m getting divorced.
He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil.
I don’t do that. 'Cause my names 'Shaquille.'
I love ‘em. But I don’t leave ‘em.
I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.

Kobe, how my ass taste?
Everybody. Kobe, how my ass taste?
Yeah!

You couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you can’t do without me.
Everybody. Kobe how my ass tastes?

Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Everybody! Kobe…

Crowd: Tell me how my ass taste!!!

Yeah. Thank you. Brick City in the building."

-Shaquille O’Neal, Freestyle @ Village Underground

I thought a transcript might prove helpful for anyone (like myself) who may have undergone a little shell-shock watching Sunday night’s installment of the newest Negro Channel reality program, Shaq Fu: Can’t Stay Away.

BET cameras lazily follow Shaq around malls, strip malls, strip clubs, club clubs and pep rallies… all while he should be preparing for the upcoming season.

Obviously Black Announcer: This week, The Diesel pops some shit at Kobe.

Couldn’t you see it now? It’d be just like Keyshia Cole’s shit. Wayyyy better than College Hill.

I’m surprised Shaq didn’t break out the Doug E. Fresh dance.

The first half of the session is one of those obnoxious Harlem streetcorner “freestyles” where your 5 closest homies double your vocals.

It’s good to see Cory Gunz, though. I thought they sent his ass to Iraq or something. I’m well-pleased to see that he’s successfully entered the family business of carrying Shaq’s smoke bag.

“Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.” Word? I could picture the music video right now. Shaq putting about $499,999,985.00 on a weigh station scale and Cory tossing his Super Mario Bros. wallet on top.

“Here, Johnny. Put that with the rest.”

The funniest part about this whole shit is that Shaq actually had the whole crowd chanting “Kobe, how my ass taste?”

I can’t stand Kobe, so I would have been fuckin dying if I were actually there Sunday night.

“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MCs do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all… Anybody who knows me knows I’m a funny freestyler. Check the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. Please tell everybody don’t make something out of nothing.” –Shaquille O’Neal, via Stephen A. Smith

Congregation,

Even though Shaq’s initial drop is totally XXLevant in and of itself, we are gathered here today because a nigga like Kazaam is trying to tell us grown-ass people that this shit wasn’t personal in the slightest.

Even if it’s only a freestlye, when homie’s stream of consciousness asks Kobe “how my ass taste?” about 12 times, I’d have to say Shaq’s still got old #8 on the brain.

I’ve beaten on a few lunchtables, park benches and subway seats in my day. I’ve kicked freestyles with my boys and gone in on their parents, hairy girlfriends, ugly siblings, junkie uncles, dirty clothes and all that shit you do in high school. I ain’t never once ask any of them niggas how my ass tasted.

I’m pretty sure, anyway.

We’ve said some fucked up shit, but we’d never steam on each other’s junkie relatives in public though. There was at least enough respect to keep that degree of hate in-house.

Obviously the shit that’s gone down between The Diesel and Mr. Can’t Do Without still touches a nerve or three. While the two may be playing it civil these days, we can’t help but believe they’re on Schillinger/Beecher status. According to the verse, I’m assuming Shaq is Schillinger as Kobe’s the one assuming the ass-tasting position.

There ain’t no damn joke when a 9-foot tall, pop-locking ogre says, “Kobe ratted me out./ That’s why I’m getting divorced.” How do you compare calling Kobe a snitch on stage in New York City to making some fuckin Borat jokes on an NBA DVD no one’s ever seen? In hip-hop’s eyes, as supported by comments here the short while I’ve been, the only thing worse Shaq could have done was to attack The Mamba’s heterosexuality.

Hmmm. Wait a minute. “Tell me how my ass taste?” Is that maybe mildly homoerotic? Nah. It can’t be. Shaq couldn’t have been sayin no gay-ass shit, my nigga.

Why does Kobe taste your ass anyway? You watched Kobe lose the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics in some hotel room with a Heineken and a hoodrat in your lap. After she takes the whole Heineken bottle you come up with a Kobe verse to drop at the next party you’re invited to?

--But it's nothing personal. We shouldn't blow any of this out of proportion.

Negro, please.

[Blogger’s Note: I guess Kobe’s already tasted Paul Pierce’s ass… and that homely little white girl’s he tried to burn Shaq with. Blech.]

Questions? Comments? Requests? More nigga than me? ron@ronmexicocity.com