Did Lil' Kim apply for this shit herself or has ABC finally consulted VH1’s programmers?

Maybe she thought she heard “Dancing ON the Stars.” I think she pulled the three-peat on that show from 1995-96 through 1997-98 seasons. Is Kimmy aware that she can’t just go up there and Bankhead Bounce her way to the championship round? I know she was locked up for a while. She might not have peeped the first couple seasons of this shit. They had Emmitt Smith hoofin like a retired-ass Mr. Bojangles for his crown. She’d better have a mean routine ready for the opener!

Imagine the shared look of horror on the faces of 15 million suburban housewives when they see Lil Kim twirl away from Serrrrrgio to magically present a full, unopened 22-ounce Corona bottle, set it on the floor, pounce onto it vagina-first and cha-cha around like nothing ever happened.

To guarantee a prefect ten, she’ll release the empty, capless bottle onto the dancefloor. Homegirl’s about to change the game. You normally gotta go to Mexico for action like that, people.

[Blogger’s Note: Imagine what she doooo with a 2-liter?! Save that for the finale.]

I say, fuck it. Since we’re making a full-on spectacle, let Mr. Cheeks be her dance partner! If you give her some swarthy, classically-trained Don Flamenco motherfucker, there’s going to be a tragedy of Sparkle proportions. Making Kim hoof it out like Ginger Rogers is only going to result in a studio that reeks of salmon cakes and burnt plastic. When them tittyballs get to making friction, they’d better have the right kind of fire extinguisher ready too. I don’t know if that’s water-based, electric or what.

If you’re gonna have Lil Kim and Lawrence Taylor on the same season you gotta let them do them enough to warrant—

GAAAAAASP! Lawrence Taylor!!!

I’ve got it! Make the contestants team up on some I Love Money shit. Who wouldn’t be watching DWTS for a pairing of Lil Kim and LT? I know all of you niglets would. I’m sure there was already blow being done backstage before—as you gotta be high on something to beat Patra in a butterfly contest with one leg--but these two have the potential to turn that shit into the Jordan Tower Films Coke-A-Thon.

If ever there were a time for Puffy and D-Roc to stand tall for Kim as she did for her homies she'd never met before in her life, it’s now. Just like the Vote or Die campaign, he should be on YouTube imploring all "organic" niggas and bitches to call up and show their support every week. Luckily, callers from home won’t be exposed to badussy backdraft like the unfortunate studio audience.

Ugh. Salmon croquettes. Them shits is very NOT organic.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Your early pick for the coke-a-thon? ron@ronmexicocity.com

They should convince M.I.A. to hang on to that baby another month and one-up Kim’s bottle routine with a live birth to Denise Williams’ “Let’s Hear It For The Boy.”

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