Grand Theft Auto V: Loso’s Way

Fabolous has been long overdue for one of these. Dude has garnered himself an automatic berth in 2010’s DDN of the Year competition without making an individual NP appearance this year. His rap-flavored blog-renowned Twitter stream is kinda like Chopper Suit, in that it has a life and reputation of its own. F-A-B-O can finally take in some of the potential glory for himself as the most wonderful time of the NP year creeps up. It'll be March Madness before you know it.

[Blogger’s Note: "Rap-flavored", as if to say black gossip blogs are hip-hop blogs. For shame.]

For those who are not aware, Fabolous has been implicated in the theft of a rare Lamroghini Gallardo Spyder from an Atlanta hotel. At the time of the theft last year, it was one of only two in the United States. By now I’m sure Akon has 7 of them in his ivory living room. But, that’s neither here nor there. Apparently, some valet just surrendered the keys to this magnificent penile extension to some of Fab’s entourage. Long story short, there’s been a struggle to recover the vehicle and Fabolous is adhering to the G-code by not talking. Y’all saw that video where he had the girls on National Geographic status working his unspecified drug package. The man is Nino fucking Brown, clearly.

The fact that John Jackson is both Fabolous’ name and that of the victim’s attorney is kind of awesome. It makes me think of these mental cases who shoot up a public area and represent themselves in court. Colin Ferguson would shit himself if he’d known he could represent himself and the plaintiff! I know Fabolous isn’t doing that. Though, I’m sure he could dazzle any jury with a multi-syllabic rhyme scheme defense over a jazzy, lovesick instrumental.

Thanks to Fabolous and the assclowns he calls employees, the Intercontinental in Buckhead “is taking several measures, including heightening security.” Here comes the bullshit. We know what this means. Not to make this a race issue, but “heightening security” makes me think negroes are going to have to show three forms of identification—driver’s license, freed slave papers and asshole—to get their fancy jig cars back. It’s not like Fabolous and his platoon of Desert Storm Troopers pulled off some tactical mission to lift a rare Lambo from a well-guarded vehicle stronghold. The valet handed the keys to limited-edition eye-talian sportscar to some porch monkeys he probably thought were in the NBA or some shit.

What kind of security measures does a hotel need in order to prevent this sort of thing? They need to fire Jerry Lewis and hire competent valets, not call in the Army Reserves and put the Intercontinental on brown alert. Besides, someone’s gonna get fucked the fuck up when Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks has a hard time getting his prized sterntmobile after a hard night of slamming down postgame groupies. Don't let Fabolous' silly up-top negro minions be the reason you lose all that wealthy black business Atlanta prides itself on. The National Association for the Embarrassment of Colored Folk will be all over it. Once Tyler Perry tells Madea's many children to boycott your venue, it's over.

Has anyone given thought to the notion that the valet was in on the jux? I saw a special on the telly-vision once where they put hidden cameras in some of these valeted cars. Valets do grimy shit! These guys caught on camera searched every crack and crevice of their assigned cars looking for money, jewelry, credit cards and stray Chee-tos. That’s why I never use valet. Granted, the only time I’m ever somewhere with a valet is when the XXL check comes a little early and I sternt hard at the occasional seafood house. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a valet’s face when a nigga drives right past him into an open parking spot, locks up, hands him a crispy Washington and George Jefferson walks into the crab house.

Where Fabolous went wrong was when he failed to roll up a newspaper and beat the Dax wave pomade off of his weed carriers when they showed up in a stolen Lambo. Instead, he probably offers the niggas a place to park the shit for a year. Fabolous can’t claim ignorance here. He knows damn well niggas paid in kush shake can’t so much as rent the floormats of a vehicle like that.

I love how the rightful owner and authorities are still looking for the sportscar. Consider that shit a missing girl. It’s already been broken in and re-sold into slavery, if you’re lucky. However, it would be awesome if the polices obtain a search warrant, open up Fabolous’ garage door and find a shivering, abused Gallardo with one hell of a story to tell.

If cars could talk, that shit would probably say “I’ve been filled to capacity with chicken bones and blunt guts over the course of this past year. Please get me to the care of a respectable owner... Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.”

Air-tight G-code procedure aside—because even Nino dropped dime to save his own ass—I don’t think Fabolous can cooperate with them folk without giving himself up. I guess there’s an immunity package on the table for him, provided his testimony is good money. But, I'm willing to bet the weed carriers can produce photo or video evidence of Fabolous taking a ride in the Lambo to shop until he drops. Somebody could create a Twitter account full of ass-in-Lambo seat twitpics that burn Fabolous right back.

Aspiring rapsters, take note. Discipline your weed carriers. Onlookers, take note. A rapster’s weed carriers will only be as morally sound as the rapster dictates. That’s to say Fabolous didn’t raise these niggas right and probably delighted in the forbidden fruit himself. Seriously, people. I’m sure Akon has one or two of those lying around that he’s already tired of and willing to part with at a sub-market rate. He’ll probably throw in a functional Chevron pump.

Damn. This is not how Fabolous wants to be added to the 2009 Rapster Rapture. I say throw him in the bag for ignorance alone.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Can’t you see this entire scenario playing out animated in some commercial? ron@ronmexicocity.com