This for my niggas tho. "Special Delivery" it is not.

This video is a solemn cry for help. This is that Eddie Kane Five Heartbeats moment where he busts out the old routine in the alley and wholeheartedly reaffirms his manhood.

"I been rappin every day. I'm back, baby... Aight. Well, fuck you then! Can't nobody get your wrists all glittery like G. Motherfuckin' Dep!"

For those who don't remember the Harlem Shake Delivery Man, his two turn of the century hits "Let's Get It" and "Special Delivery"--two and a half if you count the Special Delivery Remix--injected life and jiggle into a deflated Harlem scene. Dep's unorthodox delivery and distinctively clever wordplay had people checking for a Bad Boy release for the first time since...


I don't know. Child of the Ghetto was my first Bad Boy purchase since Harlem World.

After enjoying a nice tenure on the 106 & Park crapsicle leaderboard, Dep would hand the Uptown baton to the curious Pink Tee Posse. Actually, he'd crack out and go to jail without passing "Go" or collecting any of his royalties. That's more akin to running at full speed, slipping on a banana peel, landing in a flaming trash can on an AIDS-infected syringe and dropping the baton onto a gutter storm drain to be serendipitously discovered by the Pink Tee Posse.

Yeah, that's it.

"King of Harlem," Dep's still-got-the-scent-of-the-box-on-it clip implies he's back atop a throne he's never sat in. If such a man defines Harlem royalty, I'm ashamed to be a loyal subject. Big L's hovering ghost--who still haunts the townspeople with punchlines--will always carry more weight than Dep. Clearly, I mean that figuratively. No one carries more weight than The Deputy.

This cut's got a lot of bird flippin talk going on for a wop head. If I were a distributor of fine narcotic goods I wouldn't let this nigga anywhere near my package. Neither would you, unless you want to see a brick with a noseprint in it--and no money--come collection day.

One would think the king of a place as big as Harlem would have access to a better camera. I can't even pay attention to the track when I'm looking at this cameraphone visual. It's like the screenplay reads "King of Harlem, directed by: Pookie, filmed on: T-Mobile Sidekick 3."

You gotta register yourself as a sex offender with a moustache like that. I don't care if you didn't touch any kids--though hanging out with Black Rob in Spanish Harlem, you probably have. I want a bulletin informing me that you live within a 15-mile radius of where I send my little Mexicans to school.

This nigga is the king of wet and that's about it. Oh, don't act like I'm airing out some shit Harlem niggas don't already discuss freely whenever this nigga name come up. They make G. Dep sherm jokes all the way up in Colonial. His reputation for having an insatiable thirst for that water-water reverberated from the East Side and ultimately landed him in the pokey.

Negro, please. King of Harlem? Fiends enter the spot through the back door if at all. Dep best express a little more humility fresh out the damn halfway house. This nigga very easily could have been a cast member on Halfway Home. I do hope he's got his shit together this time. He was Harlem's best hope seven long years ago. Maybe this time he can hang around a bit, but he's far from king of anything with a track and video like this.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still believe that Harlem Shake contest you won makes you royalty?

P.S.: Halfway Home is fuckin hilarious. R.I.P.