Toastin’ The New South

Nothing could atone for the pain you've endured.

It’s really disheartening that so many idiots are missing the finer points being laid out by my esteemed colleague and journalistic legend, Bol Guevara, MD. Not that I should expect much from you socially challenged children with “refresh” button fetishes, but seriously: learn to read, write and think. The vast majority of you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, let alone procreate.

At any rate, before the lot of you go back to working on that cure for cancer, I want to make it well and clear that not everyone at XXLMAG.COM thinks that Southern rap sucks. (Actually, it’s probably not anyone, but seeing as you living abortions don’t know how to read, I might as well say ubkkene aknenke knkla plnlnll.) So, with no further ado:

"21 Reasons Why the South Is Not Ruining Hip-Hop"

1. Three 6 Mafia: Two words: Crunchy Black.

2. Dungeon Family: If you don’t have the first three OutKast albums, the first Goodie Mob joint and Cool Breeze’s East Points Greatest Hit, go kill yourself.

3. Bubba Sparxxx: Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.

4. Young Buck: Greatest. Southern. Rapper. Ever.

5. Scarface: Some people say he's even better than Young Buck. Eh. They're entitled to their wrong opinions.

6. Jazze Pha: (I don’t know why, but this dude really annoys the shiite out of me, talking all over the tracks and whatnot. Oh stone me.)

6. Jermaine Dupri: You’d have to go back to when your grandmomma was running moonshine to find a doper producer/songwriter. Don’t make me smack you.

7. Lil Jon: For those brief moments after he was JD’s gofer and before he became self-parodic, he was the kcuffin’ man.

8. Left Eye: Had she been focused, she would have given every batch up to (and possibly including) Lauryn Hill a run for her money on the mic.

9. Young Jeezy: It pains me to no end that he’s lumped in with the crop of “bad” Southern Rappers. Those who hold this view have never hustled, never been fed by a hustler, never known a hustler and probably never had to wonder where their next meal was coming from. May great whyte God in the sky bless you all.

10. Ludacris: Do I have to explain this one? Really? Well, go kill yourself.

11. T.I.: Ubkkene aknenke knkla plnlnll.

12. UGK: Even if I wasn’t a fan, I’d be smart enough to include them on this list—what, with one guy pulling out burners and the other one berating esteemed journalistic legends.

13. Cash Money Records: Seven years after "Ha": Juvie’s a grown man and emerging elder statesmen, B.G.’s an OG, Wayne’s one of the illest doing it (yes, it pains me to admit this, too) and Mannie Fresh is becoming some sort of Southern Primo (back when Primo was primo). And then there’s Baby.

14. Eightball & MJG: Well, you know, I like their early stuff.

15. G Slimm: Ask yourself: Why?

16. Trick Daddy: If your mind's not right on this one, there's not much I can do for you now.

17. No Limit: Colonel P and his troops showed the game a new form of hustle on a higher level. Besides, I have a son and I'm not chancing P and his goons running up on him at the bus stop. (P's gully like that, if you ain't know.)

18. DJ Drama: He could stop right now and still be a legend.

19. BET Uncut: Take out the Southern videos and you’re just there watching commercials for ringtones.

20. Mike Jones: The fact that he sucks has nothing to do with the fact that he’s from Texas. He just sucks. By proving that wackness is universal, Mr. Jones provides a very important lesson, and we're all the better for it.

21. OZONE Magazine: Becuase no where else have a I seen a full-page advertisement for Lil Flip's ugly arse tennis shoes, which—while not quite as ugly as the Master P kicks are definitely worse than the Birdman's action—need to be seen in high resolution to be believed.

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To be totally fair and balanced, and live up to the journalistic standards of truth and integrity set by Fox News and The Daily Show, I'll be back tomorrow with "21 Reasons Why the South Is, Indeed, Ruining Hip-Hop." Ironically, about a half dozen of these guys will be pulling double duty.