“Yeah, we had to whoop a nigga ass for like a hour straight. It was just usual shit. You know how niggas be gettin out of line? It was just some…recreation.”- Lil Boosie, on an ass-whooping he had to administer at an after party for this year’s Ozone Awards. You know, usual shit.

I thought southern rappers got along better than rappers from other parts of the country, due to their view of hip-hop as less of an art form and more of an entitlement program. Like an EBT debit card for grown ass men.

Just the other day, I saw there were stories (that I of course didn’t bother to read) about how Killer Mike had managed to patch things up with Big Boi, and how Ludacris has got a song out with his former rival T.I.

Clearly, I was mistaken.

A couple of hours ago, I awoke from my latest alcohol and discouragement induced coma (Tuesday is the new Thursday), only to find the Internets chock full of nuts stories of mofos fighting with one another at this year’s Ozone Awards.

This shit sounds like it might have been the modern day equivalent of that one Source Awards from back in the mid ’90s, where Suge Knight gave pretty much my favorite award acceptance speech evar, and the rest, as they say, is history.

There’s a video on the main page right now of this guy Trae talking about how he had to put his shoe on Mike Jones. (Who?) Perhaps you’ve already seen it. It’s such a classic display of ignorant n-bomb logic and poetry, especially since this guy Trae looks like he might be closer in age to my parents than to myself. (Though you never know with these ninjas from the South. He could be like 19.)

I’m not gonna lie - I’m altogether unfamiliar with this guy’s music. I’m thinking he might be this guy Noz did a post on once where he was made out to be the second of Jesus Christ. You know how Noz could get. (RIP) I figured I might check his shit out at some point, just to make sure this was another one of those cases like with Bun B, where white kids feel this inexplicable urge to pay deference to such a mediocre talent, but I never got around to it. But then, for another story I was working on, I was putting together a list of the assholes and idiots who have sampled Spandau Ballet’s “True” over the years, and I saw that Trae was one of them. Which pretty much precludes him from being… you know, a worthwhile artist as far as I’m concerned, though I’m sure plenty of you fruits will beg to differ.

So this guy Trae supposedly had to rough Mike Jones up bad enough that his face is now all fucked the fuck up, and he got knocked out of his shoes like that poor kid in the movie Stand By Me, and there’s supposedly pictures of him laid out on the ground with his ass all hanging out of his jeans. (Maybe next year he’ll wear a belt!)

Mike Jones’ offense, from what I could gather? Not keeping it real with the n-bombs in the ghetto. It sounds like Trae might be pissed because he missed out on that two-week span three years ago when people gave a shit about Houston hip-hop, due in part to Jones’ hit “Still Tippin’.” Then, once the world came to its senses, Mike Jones was out doing songs in California and shit trying to get his career back in order. Trae, meanwhile, was still in the ghettos of Houston, representin’.

As if he had anywhere else to be.

It sounds like some shit right out of that movie Hustle and Flow, where Terrence Howard put his blood, sweat and tears into crafting that god-awful demo tape, just to have Ludacris toss it in a toilet and take a piss on it, in a scene I’ve been meaning to recreate in real life, just for my own personal amusement. (Lord knows I’ve got enough bullshit rap albums lying around here to do it.)

Of course, he doesn’t mention it in the YouTube video, but I’d be willing to bet Trae approached Mike Jones about helping him get his career in order - perhaps around the time when “Still Tippin’” was out. Maybe Trae tried calling (281) 330-8004, and Mike Jones hung up on him when he realized it wasn’t a fan, but just some bum rapper trying to get in one of his videos.

That’s usually how this shit happens.

If you notice, in these hip-hop beefs, there’s always some sort of ostensible cause that has to do with one guy sleeping with another guy’s wife, or someone’s chain getting stolen, or some such bullshit. But if you dig deeper, you find that it usually has to do with one guy being more successful than the other guy, and so the other guy gets jealous and starts taking shots.

Like when 2Pac got shot in the nuts and had to go to jail for participating in a gang rape, and Biggie’s career took off. Or when Jay-Z, a Nas stan from way back, tried and failed to get Nas on one of his albums, so he went and banged Nas’ baby’s mother. (Which is some insane stalker shit, if you think about it.) I’m assuming this Trae-Mike Jones beef was just like that, except with much less talent involved.

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