The Curious Case Of Crappy Tattoos

A little-known fact about me: I love tattoos. So much so that I decided to get a shit-ton of them strewn across by body during my younger days. While there is the chance I’ll probably end up regretting some of them when my Nigerian metabolism begins to slow down and the b-boy inside my right bicep begins to do a handstand on either a varicose vein or stretch mark, I can at least take solace that I can still conceal them in case this music shit doesn’t pan out and I have to go back to completing TPS reports for Waste Management while wearing a long-sleeve button-up and tie and earning meager wages.

Again.

If anything, I can credit for my mother for instilling a sense of professionalism during my rather intriguing upbringing, if only for the fact she raised me in a manner that would make her look “ideal” to her fellow Igbo associates. See, Nigerians – in all their email scamming, oil skimming, Nollywood glory – have this thing about them where they want to peacock for the public eye regardless of whatever fallacies are going on in their private lives. That’s why the president of Nigeria’s name is Goodluck Jonathan (Goodluck. Fucking. Jonathan.) of all things. It’s also why my moms is scared that I’ll fuck around and ink my entire body, looking more like JR Smith than Christopher “Kid” Reid.

As a person who already has enough trouble going to the bank to make a deposit without getting a look from the teller that questions how I’m dropping off a decently sized paycheck every month while still dressed in the same oversized-yet-comfortable pajamas I’ve had since college, I can wholeheartedly say that I’m not that stupid.

I can’t speak for everybody, however, as you can see with sudden increase in half-wit rappers splaying tattoos on their faces as if they were OG Bobby Johnson. Perhaps convinced that they lack the intuition and know-how to sell crack rocks or the ability to shoot a wicked jump shot, they get inked up with the idea of making a “statement,” “expressing creative individuality” or whatever faygo logic rappers think is innovative enough to explain the reason they got the equivalent of receiving a rim job from a poisonous cobra on their cheekbone.

Pause at that entire visual.

My mother won’t ever have to worry that I would do something as outlandish as tattooing a body part that’s immediately visible. She may not find my infatuation with ink as intriguing as I do, but at least we both know that I’m never going to look like a skeed-out Matt Barnes all in the name of rap.

  • PrototypeX29

    people need to stop with the face tattoos, people just keep getting the ugliest shit on their face walkin around lookin stupid as hell…only like 5 people can do that shit and get away with it and NIGGA YOU AINT MIKE TYSON

  • Don mcCaine

    you know when the game centers around tats instead of music as press/promo, it’s all going downhill…

  • John John

    Back to Writing School. You need to work on your prose.

  • El Tico Loco

    If you knew you couldn’t rap for shit but got a deal (even tho you’re sorrounded by yes men that got you gassed) you would come up with some sort of diversion too. Only Tek, Mike Tyson and Lil Wayne can pull that off. Birdman got that damn star and it looks like brown Macy’s bag on top of his head. Young LA the gangsta ass duck smh. Gucci Mane? Shit look like a baby dick with adult balls scratching his face -pause.

    I bet there’s a rapper with a tramp stamp out there.

    • Curtis75Black

      If There is, he better not reveal that !! That’s scorn for life !!

      • swype-matic

        I bet Game as one.

  • dick butter

    this nigga straight said they got the equivalent of receiving a rim job from a poisonous cobra on their cheekbone. ahahahaha!!!!

  • The Trap

    ur so fucking stupid to think so poorly of ur Nigerian heritage.

    • http://www.yahoo.com/ Jase

      Essays like this are so impoartnt to broadening people’s horizons.

  • caino

    l get my arm sleeve tat on tuesday!! Yesssir !!

    on another note:

    ‘you know when the game centers around tats instead of music as press/promo, it’s all going downhill…’

    preach brutha!!! All true!

  • Worley

    “Nigerians…have this thing about them where they want to peacock for the public eye regardless of whatever fallacies are going on in their private lives.”

    It’s not just Nigerians. Belee dat.

  • Romello’s ghost

    Nothing screams “Loser” more than face and hand tattoos.

    • http://XXL benni legend

      I KNO U MEAN HAND,EXCUSE ARM,DONT B A TRICK,HATER!

  • abdulnasir

    From one Nigerian to another… and I take it your name is actually Emeka shortened to Meka! Or is it the longer Chukwuemeka? Oh by the way I’m not Igbo, but still Nigerian!!! NAIJA 4 LIFE!

    • benni legend

      yall both nigerians n african like mwah,dont hate on each other u pussies!

  • Valjean

    who is anyone to tell anyone what tattoo is ok, and where to get it?
    all of ya’ll: you want a tatto? get it! fuck what everyone else thinks. get what you want. its your tattoo. not nobody elses. fuck them and get what you what. you wanna tattoo a nike swoosh across your forehead? do it! you wanna tattoo your dick to look like a corn dog? go for it!
    fuck everybody else. get your tattoo.
    shoutout to wayne, game, gucci, and even LA for ignorin everyone for gettin what you want

    • pharoethegreatest

      Yea, to hell with everyone else until that everyone else is turns out to be the cat interviewing you for a job. Good luck with that one young one.

      Oh, and I’m still trying to figure out where the line “it doesn’t matter what others think about you” came from. Honestly, it really does matter what others think about you. It effects how you are treated and lots of time could have direct influence on how you’re going to eat.

      Example 1. That job interviewer THINKS you are a shitbird, guess what, you aint getting the job.

      Example 2. That shady ass nigga over there THINKS you are soft and wont do anything, guess what, you’re getting robbed today my friendly lol.

      Thats just two examples on the extreme opposite end. There are many more examples in between.

  • Chad Thin Elk

    If you’re gonna tat up your face, do it 4 tha right reasons. Don’t put some meaningless SHIT on it. I got some face tats. My ink represents not only art, but feelings and traditional meaning. In my culture (Lakota Sioux), tha spider (Iktomi), is thought of as a trickster. So tha spider by my eye means keep an eye out 4 people tryna cheat N trick you

  • elaine11

    Can I go there

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  • Chris D

    Off topic: But how come Nigerians wear polo shirts with the collar stuck straight up in the air? And flip flops?

  • http://www.exclusivecompany.co.uk Ken Hill

    Well written article but why no negative about Nigerian Heritage?

  • NAPTOWNNUISANCE

    Gucci’s tattoo looks like shit he should be slapped for it, it speaks volumes to how stupid he really is. A fuckin big ass ice cream cone ? WTF

  • pharoethegreatest

    Yea, to hell with everyone else until that everyone else is turns out to be the cat interviewing you for a job. Good luck with that one young one.

    Oh, and I’m still trying to figure out where the line “it doesn’t matter what others think about you” came from. Honestly, it really does matter what others think about you. It effects how you are treated and lots of time could have direct influence on how you’re going to eat.

    Example 1. That job interviewer THINKS you are a shitbird, guess what, you aint getting the job.

    Example 2. That shady ass nigga over there THINKS you are soft and wont do anything, guess what, you’re getting robbed today my friendly lol.

    Thats just two examples on the extreme opposite end. There are many more examples. Please somebody correct me if you think this is wrong and explain why please.

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  • Stunt Star

    Salisbury, Maryland USA

  • http://www.manchesterescorts.co Jo Fraiser

    The comment about Mik Tyson is spot on. Face tattoos especially

  • Fady

    i sware i couldnt agree more! ppl are taking this whole “creativity” thing as an excuse to do sh*t that dosnt even look “cute”

  • http://www.kenalsworld.com kenal

    Wow, this is one of the first blogs articles I have come across where the actual author is explicit.

  • http://www.phil-cannella.com/ Mr Cannella

    mdawet, Phil Cannella, dvvzc.

  • http://www.fabfive24.com Sneaker Digga

    Too much tattoos is always too much especially on a nice young women. Let her be pregnant and see the lines getting bigger. And never return in their original shape

  • http://wheresmy40acres.com phenomblak

    That fact that dudes have UGLY tattoos that have no meaning to them is the reason i haven’t gotten one yet.. I want something the symbollize things in life I actually believe or care about and that every time i look at, while give me a nostalic feeling that also makes me want to progress into something great. No i don’t want my f*cking name in 3 different places on my body… f*ck i look like..Memento