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When Rap Goes The Full Retahd

What’s hot on the mean streets of the internets right now? For starters, it looks like the Hipster Rap invasion of a couple of years back has reached it’s natural conclusion. It started off with rappers wearing girl jeans and man purses, and has now evolved to the inevitable final stage – Ironic Rap. No more blatantly corny t-shirts and oh-so-ironic sunglasses – now deliberately rapping like you have down syndrome is what’s popping. It was one thing when NY rappers would do a token Dirty South record on their album, now these young dudes want to rap over some tinny drum machine that even MC Shy-D wouldn’t have effed with in 1986. You’ve got the Mixxie Boys pouring bottles on the carpet of their mom’s basement and doing a poor-man’s version of Juve’s ‘Ha’, armed with nothing but ‘swag’. No one’s expecting another Big L over here but rhyming ‘That’s Mixxie’ with ‘You Mixxie’ for a whole song is really stretching the friendship.

Odd Future made a whole video based on the joke of the world’s worst freestyle rap session, but their actual records are like Company Flow in Horrorcore mode, which is never a good idea. At least ‘The Based God’ Lil’ B made some funny shit like ‘Wonton Soup’, which is like the ultimate tribute to Ignorant Rap. JT Money from The Poison Clan must be proud as punch right now. In theory, I can’t say a bad word about anyone who releases a song called ‘Suck My Dick Hoe’ in 2010. If only it was so easy to forgive his involvement with The Pack and that corny ‘Vans’ song, or his attempts to make fake ’emo’ joints like ‘I Still Can’t Sleep’ and ‘Exhibit 6′. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO CRY TO THIS pleads the caption in the video. So that’s what’s been missing, huh? Emotionally Fragile Rap? Didn’t work out for Charles Hamilton so great, although Kid Cudi seems to be having a fine old time crying himself a river.

Elsewhere, other Retahd Rap staples such as Nikki Minaj and Lil’ Wayne have convinced impressionable rap fans that wacky voices and fake accents are the future of the funk. While many a hip-hop critic was floored by the Black Barbie’s turn on ‘Monster’, to my ears it sounded like a rejected take from ‘What’s Up,Doc?’ by the Fu-Schnickens featuring Shaq. Rapping like a cartoon character was already perfected by Snaggapuss from the Bounce Squad, ya big dummy! Weezy seems to have pioneered the genre of Gremlin Rap already, just don’t get him wet or feed him after midnight. Waka Flocka Flame has also proved that going ‘Full Retahd’ is a winning formula, as listening to three of his tracks in a row will make you feel like an effin’ brainiac by comparison to his Short Bus vocal stylings. Rappers of tomorrow, don’t waste your time working on your vocabulary, cadence or breath control. All that’s required is a ridiculous amount of swag, a gimmicky cartoon voice or the ability to cry on demand. If you can somehow combine all three you might just be the future of Retahd Rap…

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