The little homey has little money left

It’s times like these when I’m reminded of why I don’t fuck around with weed – especially during the day, before I get my work done.

How in the fuck could Nas be ordered to pay Kelis $50,000 a month, recently reduced to half that, which is still more than I make in a year (no, really), supposedly to keep Knight Rider Jones in Pampers, when he has no money at all, as evidenced by the fact that he now owes the IRS $6 million? You’d think that having that amount reduced to something way more reasonable, if not having it done away with altogether, would be as simple as explaining to the judge that when you subtract the amount he owes to the government, to keep Israel in white phosphorous, from his overall net worth, he’s left with an amount of money equal to John Belushi’s grade point average in Animal House. Or possibly less than that, since you can have a net worth of less than zero point zero, if you can get credit. (Does Def Jam cosign on light bills and car notes, or is the record business not strong enough at this point?) Stacin Goins could have easily had this case thrown out of court.

If he couldn’t get the judge to have mercy on him, because you know how it is out in California, where Kelis allegedly insisted they get married (you gotta watch out for these half-Asian chicks), at the very least he could have just written a check to the IRS before he even entered the court room. That way, the judge wouldn’t have had any choice but to go easy on him. There’s no way you can write a check for $50,000 from an account with no money in it. Otherwise, I’d own my house in a shanty town outright.

How much do you want to bet the real reason Kelis filed for divorce is because Nas was starting to run out of money, and she could be broke by her damn self and/or at my house? The IRS probably called their McMansion down in – where else? – Georgia like, “Is this Nasir Jones’ house? Yeah, he owes us several million dollars.” And the next thing you know, she was out in California citing irreconcilable differences. Word on the street is that she was fucking around on him the entire time. At one point there was even rumors of a sex tape. (Seriously, holler if you got that.) And Nas didn’t seem to give a shit – even though that hoo-er (actual hoo-er) who brought Elliot Spitzer low, and, let’s keep it real, could probably do a number on any straight man, said Nas refused to indulge when her amazing vagine (rumored to be the prettiest vagine evar, even more so than some women’s faces) was offered to him, as a “freebie” even.

Now, that’s what you call a sucker.

The worst part about it is that you know good and well Nas himself didn’t spend enough money to where he owes the IRS $6 million, let alone however much more money he owes around town. He’s a guy. What could he have possibly bought that cost that much money? A gold chain with “ice” on it, to get chicks to back it up in the club? You know good and well those huge, ridonkulous houses down in Georgia don’t cost that much money. That’s the benefit of living in such a vast cultural wasteland. And keep in mind, I’m saying this as someone who lives in Missouri. Kelis probably spent the vast majority of that money, on futuristic hair weaves and designer clothes that aren’t really worth a shit. And drugs, obviously. If Nas has spent that money, he could sell whatever bought with it on eBay and use it as a down payment to avoid becoming the next Wesley Snipes.

  • these posts are racist

    “…to keep Israel in white phosphorous.”

    I love you Mr. Byron Crawford, realest ish you’ve ever wrote.

    Don’t worry about him becoming the next W. Snipes. There’s a difference between owing the Feds money and tax fraud/evasion…

  • these posts are racist

    “…to keep Israel in white phosphorous.”

    How many of you ignorant Commenters/Readers understand this statment? Or understand the context? I’m honestly asking, please tell me.

    • mutada mullah atari

      Easy. Its common knowledge that Israel used this torture like weapon in fight against country they terrorize with their American bought munitions. The US used it in Iraq as well, during the Bush era, for a short period of time. No Google

      • these posts are racist

        …Good look. Now tell me this, how much money does the US give to Israel every year to fund it’s illegal occupation and apartheid against the Palestinians?

        And then answer me this: Why do we have ghettos in American when so much money is given to a racist govt. like Israel?

        • J Wright

          Arabs got it bad, Jews kill them, Arabs Kill them, Americans Kill them…All arabs want is peace. They just want peace and love its the Muhammed way. When Muslims invaded India they werent just killing people they were spreading the peaceful message of Allah. When Muslim people do suicide bombs they are doing it for future peace. When palestinians fire rockets into Israel they are peaceful rockets. Grow up TPAR both sides are effed up admit that then hope for a Peaceful state. Its not a one sided story.

          • these posts are racist

            J Wrong,

            Palestinians are made up of Muslims and Christians, both of whom are oppressed by Israel. Fact: Israel controls the lives of millions of Christian and Muslim Palestinians, yet denies them equal rights under the law. I’m calling for a change to this racist policy. Equal rights for ALL under the law. Stop bombing civilian populations with American made weapons to control the lives of others.

            Everything else you discuss is irrelelvant.

    • Rakim

      Fuck nigga yous a lame.

      • these posts are racist

        Yes, anyone who uses the phrase “fuck nigga” is one to be respected and listened to.

        • Levi Malkovitz aka tuff jew nigger

          LONG LIVE ISRAEL

          • these posts are racist

            Levi,

            No, Long Live a Free and Democratic State: Israel/Palestine, whereby Jews, Christians and Muslims are treated equally under the law.

        • KING RANSOM

          Ayo TPAR,get off Bol’s dick.
          I remember when the dude wrote that piece on the kid who got hit in the head in Chicago and you was crying like a bitch leaving thousands of comments.I bet you don’t do anything but sit behind a computer and call yourself a activist.

          Nas is not broke.He has money rolling in from tours,record publishing and etc.Ya’ll bitch ass niggas read some shit and act like he’s assed out.Stop countin that man’s paper.He can go to IRS and work out a deal, just like he did with the child support.I swear that some of you bum bitches need to get out your moms basement and go live life on your own.

          • these posts are racist

            “King Ransom”,

            First, you get off my dick.

          • KING RANSOM

            LOL
            I didn’t mean to wipe Mcrib sauce on your kufi TPAR.
            It’s just the truth.If the living in the basement statement hit home for you then I being the bigger man will apologise.I don’t want you to go from Wyclef Luther King to wanna be e thug.Stay in the game tiger and ride that.

  • Face Phoenix

    The Eddie Murphy pic from Raw says it all.

  • j.

    what happened to your post on fish friday? it was funny, i thankfully copied it to a word file from google reader before it vanished…

    • jmc

      Could you please paste that post to bol’s site,in the comments and then send a link my way?thx in advance!!

      • j.

        sure, when I get back to my work computer on tuesday

        • j.

          The fact that Nicki Minaj’s Fish Friday, a debut album, by a female rapper, that even P-fork didn’t pretend to enjoy, is now more popular than Kanye West’s ridonkulously overhyped, overrated (even according to the New York Times, the newspaper of record, and noted Kanye stans) is hardly news.

          I saw this shit coming a long time ago. Weeks ago, I tell you. I thought about doing a post on how sales of Fish Friday could eventually catch up with sales of My Beautiful Homo Erotic Fantasy, which sold a lot quicker out the gate, likely due to the aforementioned overhype and overrating, but it damn near happened before I could bring my lazy, perpetually half-drunken self to commit pen to paper, so to speak. I checked this site’s silly, weekly recap of the Billboard 200 one day, thinking it might be time for me to have a look at the list and see if I couldn’t reverse engineer it to fit my worldview, as I do here occasionally, and Fish Friday had somehow managed to become the number one rap album in the country. Its sales had more or less caught up with sales of My Beautiful Homo Erotic Fantasy, which had fallen off to the point where it was only a matter of time before they were surpassed by at least the Nicki Minaj album, if not this new album by the Decemberists, the current number one album in the country, which also happens to be the new best album evar, arguably even more so than the new Destroyer.

          But I digress.

          My goal here is not to point to the fact that Kanye West got beat by a girl, like one of the guys from my high school wrestling team (but I promised 16 years ago not to say any names), as a testament to just how much Kanye West, and his album, suck balls. Because the truth of the matter is that, while I have no interest in listening to My Beautiful Homo Erotic Fantasy, I do believe Kanye West deserves a certain amount of credit for having so much ambition. More black people need to have that level of ambition. I’m not even gonna get into the dreaded n-word I gave $10 the other day to shovel snow, and he didn’t even shovel all the way to the end of my driveway. Nhjic. Because it’d probably be Miller Time before I got done. (Or just quit, because it was Miller Time.) The other day, on my way home from the BGM, that song “Through the Wire” came on Sirius, and I actually listened to it. and I was struck by how much his rapping has improved since then. It hasn’t improved to the point where it’s objectively remarkable, and I’m sure it won’t, because that’s just not how rap works, but it is way better.

          And who gives a shit how well he can rap now anyway? He could have become the next Ghostface, and it probably wouldn’t have made any difference. (I don’t even want to know how that Ghostface sold.) It’s not like he could have gotten better reviews. There’s nowhere you can go but down from a full 5/5 across the board. (Which he’ll find out soon enough, if he and Jay actually go through with Watch the Throne.) And it’s not like so many people copped Fish Friday because it’s some sort of masterpiece. No, I’m convinced that its success has to do with another phenomenon which I’ve documented here over the years. Namely, the spending power, such as it is, of the hoodrat – perhaps the one last growth area in our economy, with the caveat that it’s not much of a growth area. It’s naturally limited by the fact that there’s only certain brands you can buy with those WIC vouchers and EBT debit cards. And so there’s no point in investing much in brand advertising, when you already have what’s known in business school (which, I’ll have you know, I graduated from) as a captive market. The key is to tap into whatever amount is left over when you subtract the balance of one of those EBT debit cards from a hoodrat’s overall net worth. Some of it usually goes to Internets access, to frequent Black People Twitter and Necole Bitchie, and the rest of it often goes towards obscure, weird-smelling, highly toxic hair care products. Hence the nature of the ads in magazines that cater primarily to a female demographic. Zombie Vibe, to use an example. Some of these mags are actually about various kinds of hair weave and what have you.. They’re generally found in grocery stores in blighted areas – the same ones where the items you can buy with a WIC voucher are conveniently labeled. Coincidence? Pshaw! Similarly, I doubt that the fact that the cover of Fish Friday is the same shade of pink as a bottle of Luster’s Pink Oil Moisturizer is a mere matter of coincidence. The TIs know what segment of the black community has what’s left of the money these days. They’ve seen what’s become of Twitter. I’m sure this is only the beginning of what they have in store.

  • Don mcCaine

    The way y’all are telling it son is collecting bottles and eating Hot Pockets every night…so while he’s on tour with the Marley brother for the 3rd year in a row, around the world, we’ll keep saying Nas ain’t got bread.

  • John Cochran

    Exactly Don. Just like they said Teddy Riley was broke, yet he’s still making money off Micheal Jackson’s shit. If he was ordered to pay that, its cause he has the means too.

  • Cal

    If you’ve seen Kelis on that god awful “space ship” record with a bunch of nobodies you’ll know where her work ethic went hence, making Nas fork over a bunch of cash through child support was the clever “hoodrat” route

  • anti white

    lol fuck nas what a loser

    i get money nigga

    • NaS

      Fuck you nigga

      with whiskers like a rat

      come on tough nigga, do something to me – nas is coming

  • Don mcCaine

    LOL @ XXL today…

    that spencer pratt drop got the trolls OUT (shouts to all the old regs I saw over there). caucasians talking about spencer makes their race look bad, white dudes like the one above brave enough to type “n^gger” behind the safety of their keyboard…classic

    • Q461

      Can’t believe they were so low on ammo today they rehashed that tired ass Spencer feature.. Thats gotta be a new low…

      Another day another tired ass topic… Minaj is the best femcee in the game blah blah blah Kanye’s a homo blah blah blah.. Nas is a broke ass nigga yadda yadda yada. Tired of this shit. I’m about to do a Lebron and take my talents to HipHopDX lol.

      Nahh but for real before they erased Bol’s shit yesterday I posed a really good idea for a blog. I’ll put it out here again real quick while the story is still relevant: A month or so back there was a blog on Chuck D. I think they should do one on Flavor Flav with the news of his fried chicken joint opening up in Iowa of all places. Lots of sentiment is that Chuck does so much to advance black people and Flav is like the anti-Chuck, setting black folk back, years upon years with his coonery and questionable acts.Even though Chuck has defended him, Some wonder why Flav is even still affiated with PE. I thought this was a really intriguing topic for a blog : Do these two men’s agendas totally conflict?????

      Speak on it yall!

  • Don mcCaine

    didn’t mean to wipe Mcrib sauce on your kufi

    ^ low blow…but funny…

  • flavorblade

    Knew that wasn’t going to work, they didn’t even look right as a couple. Kelis is tall for a chick, Nas a little shorter than average for a dude. She look like somebody for a Busta Rhymes or Ghostface, somebody a bit more aggressive with their woman. She crawling in the bed sloppy. Nas like what’s that smell, and rolling back over. Tax trouble isn’t hard to come by when you figure that the rate is 38% on a million. You have to approach it from the mind state of I don’t have a million dollars I have $600,000, and some change. But the more you make the more you want to keep.

  • Illmatic

    Nas aint broke but he need a good accountant cause thats what they paid for, to keep track of artists’ money who aint got time to deal with IRS etc.
    But good accountants cost bigtime. Gay Z paying big money to John M his accountant, the niggas paying big money to the IRS etc etc. Gay Zs New Year at las Vegas gave him a million, taxman takes half of that paper.
    Don’t believe bullshit. But I feel sorry for homey Nas cause signing with Def Jam under Gay Z gave him bullshit, maybe Def Jam fucked up in some way.

  • that nigga

    Knight Rider Jones
    :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    haha……….

  • mav

    this is a throwaway blog, right? that fish friday post was waay better

  • avenger xl

    Nas is not broke? Bol you could have taken a more realistic swipe at this dude about being yet another black entertainer that is not handling his book of business right. i.e. make a grip of cash but fail to use the unfair tax loopholes used by many of the wealthy in this country. Cats like Nas act as if they are in the income bracket that a wal-mart employee would be in or something and even they have to pay taxes. These cats get revolutionary when it comes to the tax system see Wesley Snipes but won’t bust a grape for real revolution. So yep he got money but the question is given how he is managing it how long?

    The hardest thing about getting money is keeping money.

  • DJ F.U.N.R.

    You meant to keep Palestine in white phosphorus. Israel broke international law two years ago when they blanketed the Palestinians with that shit. And Nas, yeah, he’s definitely top 5 rappers for this 33 year old. Financial manager? Well, that’s a different story.

    “you’re a foo if you’re main bitch is easy to fuck” — Nas from Life we Chose.