It’s times like these when I’m reminded of why I don’t fuck around with weed – especially during the day, before I get my work done.
How in the fuck could Nas be ordered to pay Kelis $50,000 a month, recently reduced to half that, which is still more than I make in a year (no, really), supposedly to keep Knight Rider Jones in Pampers, when he has no money at all, as evidenced by the fact that he now owes the IRS $6 million? You’d think that having that amount reduced to something way more reasonable, if not having it done away with altogether, would be as simple as explaining to the judge that when you subtract the amount he owes to the government, to keep Israel in white phosphorous, from his overall net worth, he’s left with an amount of money equal to John Belushi’s grade point average in Animal House. Or possibly less than that, since you can have a net worth of less than zero point zero, if you can get credit. (Does Def Jam cosign on light bills and car notes, or is the record business not strong enough at this point?) Stacin Goins could have easily had this case thrown out of court.
If he couldn’t get the judge to have mercy on him, because you know how it is out in California, where Kelis allegedly insisted they get married (you gotta watch out for these half-Asian chicks), at the very least he could have just written a check to the IRS before he even entered the court room. That way, the judge wouldn’t have had any choice but to go easy on him. There’s no way you can write a check for $50,000 from an account with no money in it. Otherwise, I’d own my house in a shanty town outright.
How much do you want to bet the real reason Kelis filed for divorce is because Nas was starting to run out of money, and she could be broke by her damn self and/or at my house? The IRS probably called their McMansion down in – where else? – Georgia like, “Is this Nasir Jones’ house? Yeah, he owes us several million dollars.” And the next thing you know, she was out in California citing irreconcilable differences. Word on the street is that she was fucking around on him the entire time. At one point there was even rumors of a sex tape. (Seriously, holler if you got that.) And Nas didn’t seem to give a shit – even though that hoo-er (actual hoo-er) who brought Elliot Spitzer low, and, let’s keep it real, could probably do a number on any straight man, said Nas refused to indulge when her amazing vagine (rumored to be the prettiest vagine evar, even more so than some women’s faces) was offered to him, as a “freebie” even.
Now, that’s what you call a sucker.
The worst part about it is that you know good and well Nas himself didn’t spend enough money to where he owes the IRS $6 million, let alone however much more money he owes around town. He’s a guy. What could he have possibly bought that cost that much money? A gold chain with “ice” on it, to get chicks to back it up in the club? You know good and well those huge, ridonkulous houses down in Georgia don’t cost that much money. That’s the benefit of living in such a vast cultural wasteland. And keep in mind, I’m saying this as someone who lives in Missouri. Kelis probably spent the vast majority of that money, on futuristic hair weaves and designer clothes that aren’t really worth a shit. And drugs, obviously. If Nas has spent that money, he could sell whatever bought with it on eBay and use it as a down payment to avoid becoming the next Wesley Snipes.