A shady lane > schadenfreude > Shady Records

I’m not saying I would turn down Eminem, if he wanted to cut me a check for a million dollars to sit around all day in my underwear scouring the Internets for pictures of the kind of girls I’d most like to make sweet, passionate love to – which would be perfect for me, because that’s how I spend a lot of my time anyway, when I’m not working like a Hebrew slave at the BGM. I’m just saying. I’m not sure how cool it would be to stand there, on the cover of a magazine, with my boss/white benefactor, like Cam’ron and Dennis Hof (that was Dennis Hof, right?) on the cover of Platinum Entrepreneur, or whatever it was called.

If, like Soulja Boy, I wasn’t deemed notable enough to appear on the cover of XXL by myself, but the TIs still felt it necessary to have me on the cover every six months or so, to discourage black intellectual development (just throwing that out there as a possible reason why Soulja Boy keeps turning up on the cover of XXL), I’d at least insist on posing with a smoking hot white chick – perhaps one of the girls from my aforementioned Tumblr. After all, pictures of smoking hot white chicks on the cover have been known to sell magazines. That’s why Rolling Stone magazine, on its cover, tends to alternate between pictures of decrepit old white guys, like Keith Richards, and seemingly any ol’ white chick. Half the time they don’t even have anything to do with music. One of the things I regret most in life, right up there with having never made more than $8/hour, is not copping that issue with Blake Lively and Leighton Meester going to town on an ice cream cone, just like in my dreams, except… you know, minus the ice cream cone.

I guess the cover of this new issue of XXL makes sense, if you’re Eminem. Your last album, Recovery, sold a metric fuckton of copies, in an age when even black people who haven’t worked a day in their adult lives have a computer connected to the Internets, and hence the means to download music for free, as evidenced by the list of trending topics on Twitter at night, when people who work for a living are sound asleep. Week in and week out, Recovery is among the top 5 rap albums in the country, right up there with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and the most popular rap album in the country right now, which is by a motherfucking woman. (I might have to hit the studio.) This despite the fact that it’s been out for going on a year now. You think people are still gonna give a shit about My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy this time next year? Hardly anyone gave a shit about it in the first place, except for Pitchfork. As soon as next week, it will have been outsold by Nicki Minaj’s Fish Friday, as predicted/assumed in my post on “H.A.M.”

However, as successful as Recovery has been, I don’t know if there’s anyone who knows from good rap music who really gives a shit about it. It could be one of those albums, like Nelly’s Suit (no Chopper Suit), that develop a random, seemingly inexplicable appeal to white people in semi-rural areas, many of whom struggle, mightily, with addiction to weird drugs that black people aren’t up on – a phenomenon I’m familiar with both because I used to work in a K-Mart where the only album we would ever sell – and indeed, maybe the only album we even sold (I always meant to go back to Electronics and check, but I never got around to it) – was Suit, and because I went through one of those periods where I’d take any ol’ shit that was shoved into my hand [||] at the kind of parties where people still, unironically, crank Regulate: The G-Funk Era. Black dudes who grew up around a lot of white dudes know what I’m talking about.

Enter Slaughterhouse, who, it’s obvious to me, have been recruited to play the same role, for Eminem, that Pete Rock, DJ Premier and the RZA played in the making of My Beautiful Dark Twisted, i.e. as a cynical, empty overture to the kind of people who were offput by his last album. (The alternative would would be that Eminem signed Slaughterhouse because he thought it would be a genuinely worthwhile investment, and… well, no.) If he was really so interested in appealing to that community, he could put out an album of his own along the lines of that Slaughterhouse album. But then it would only do dial-up numbers (56,000 copies sold), and then where would he be? Much easier to find four random black dudes who rap well, the way aging haters prefer, and pay them to stand next to you on the cover of a magazine.

  • Daddy Fat Sax

    Bryron Crawford is such a douchebag..this was retarded and why the hell did he put this in here. Blake Lively and Leighton Meester going to town on an ice cream cone, just like in my dreams, except… you know, minus the ice cream cone. WHAT the fuck he does that type of shit too much. XXL needs to get rid of this jabroni

  • Frankie2Fast

    Yo Daddy Fat Sax,

    Really homie? I mean really? BOL truly is half the reason anybody comes to this site. That and the singles I guess. Anyway, if you don’t like him then don’t read him, but I think most people get that he’s an agitator and a damn funny one at that. Self-deprication is hilarious now and it always will be, even at the sake of one’s own race. The main paints hip-hop culture with a broad yet personal stroke. In other words, you best apologize to BOL and know your role….and your roll is to sit down, hush up and take notes. Class is in session and you are failing.

    BOL – again fuck ‘em good, fuck ‘em long, and fuck ‘em hard.

    2Fast

  • Don mcCaine

    I see cats don’t read the bio’s at the right of the banner…

    Bol u left out Yelawolf signing to Shady…Em’s passing the torch…

    touring w/Slaughterhouse>>>touring w/D12

    i bet that’s how Em sees it…

  • http://www.harlemworld.wordpress.com Cameron G

    Ill take 4 hip hop journeymen over some Canadian sissy rapper and a bisexual any day – pause just in case.

  • Q461

    Yall gotta remember this is a different day and age from when he signed 50…

    And yes, Slaughterhouse and Yela on tour with Em will certainly make more money for dude, as I’m sure more heads are checkin for Buddens than Bizarre for example ( At least I hope so lol)

    Like I said earlier… it will be interesting to see if he can break Slaughterhouse through to a more mainstream audience… these dudes are vets who have paid their dues and are lyrical monsters… Plus it would be ill to see a group catch wreck and blow up again…

    Yall ever notice the death of the Hip-Hop Group??? Duos and crews are a dying breed thats for sure…

  • http://frozenincarbonite.wordpress.com carbonite

    I used to think Slaughtahouse was alright until I read above that Joe Budden was involved. That dude gives NJ a bad name (no Bon Jovi).

    • that nigga

      In the group? Joe Budden started the group dumbass!!

  • http://MYSPACE.COM HELTAH SIN SAY

    Who was he supposed to sign? a dumb ass iggnorant nigga from atlanta? (oh wait what happened to stat quo?) slaughter house is the real deal, yela wolf is the real deal! niggas need to shut the fuck up and get there own hustle , get there own fame!! ems just giving motherfuckers a chance,but motherfuckers that desearve it!!! slaughterhouse will murder your waka flackas your t.i’s your jim jones, your bull shit ass artist like new boys!! so all of you hators can eat a fat dick!! especially you byron!! you always have stupid ass bloggs!! who the fuck are you? your no TOURE!!

    • Chuck D

      I agree with most of your stuff, but why are you bunching T.I., in with jim jones and waka flocka. T.I. is actually talented.

  • http://rockthedub.com khal

    lmfao @ dial-up numbers. love that term

  • avenger xl

    Yelawolf is a great investment because as I stated in another post on this site he will rule the white trash rap lane and Em can eat off him if he gets a couple of solid albums out. slaughterhouse are a rapping ass rappers d12. They are stand ins since d12 was more personality and comedy driven than raw lyricist. I can’t see him getting these guys to create a album that with help him eat much considering there latest realeases. I am a fan but I am a hiphop head so of course I am a part of their core audience but nody cares what we think.

    The real dope shit though is the new joint by raekwon

  • LukeCage

    how are you doing these drops with your bum eye, bol?

    Are you dictating them to your mom?

  • Tyrannical T

    50 is the past. D12 had their chance. Slaughterhouse is the future. Yelawolf is the wild card. All Em has to do now is sign Royce to a solo deal. Bad N Evil Album.

    “made by a motherfucking woman” (article above)
    damn, a little sexist man. calm down. no respect means no tail much of the time.

  • http://MYSPACE.COM HELTAH SIN SAY

    The reason I speak on “wacka flacka and jones and t.i, is because (just an opinion) I have nothing in common with what these cats are rapping about, jim jones is from new york but he wants to rap about non new york shit
    (if you from new york act like you from there)
    T.I ? I dont understand what he is trying to be???
    you know first hes “gangsta” then hes “trapp rapper” then he’s “pimp” gangstas dont wear pastal colored shirts , gangstas dont snitch on there brethren!!! and Wacka flaca is not a conventional emcee, I dont consider waka flacka an emcee, do you? do you think wacka flacka is a lyricist? ahhhh, I dont think so!! Hes yours south rappers, you could have him, us in big citys dont bang wacka or T.I , there all yours! plus I dont understand why T.I and wacka are so affraid to perfom in los angeles!! they dont come out here due to the fact that the “real gangstas” want to test them! proven fact!!

  • http://MYSPACE.COM HELTAH SIN SAYQ

    DONT CLAIM GANGSTA IF YOUR NOT!!
    GANGSTAS DONT WEAR “WHITE V NECK SHIRTS”
    WHATS UP WITH ALL THESE WHITE ” V NECK SHIRTS”
    IN THE 90S NOBODY WORE VANS, NOW THEY ROCKING VANS AND TIGHT PANTS!! THATS COOL IF YOU WANT TO WEAR THEM, BUT DONT SAY YOUR A GANGSTA AND THEN WEAR THOSE CLOTHES, THATS NOT GANGSTA PLAYA!!

  • Selfish Gene

    LMAO @ schadenfreude & dial-up numbers.

    Bol is fucking hilarious.

  • hence4th

    Okay, this is the kind of article that’s really hurting rap and holding back our artistic discourse. Seriously, there was so much unfounded cynicism, vague racism, and hate here. It’s like Bol woke up and thought: How bout we disregard an amazing rappers’ really successful and well made album? Who cares how redonkulous Em’s ability is? Actually, we’d better find time to disregard Kanye’s modern classic too! And then accuse some really talented black rappers of being something (vague…) for standing on the cover with a white peer/mentor/friend. That’s how you write an article. That’s how you get feedback. It’s ehfing Lame. I’m just glad none of the people he writes about have time to care. They’re too busy making a second album in two years, and recording songs like “living proof.”….. the later of which is SO dope.

  • P

    Byron Crawford = the guy who pulls the race card every chance he can get……racist

  • BigD

    Some great humour in that story and I enjoyed reading it for that aspect but REAL INFO? nah BOL is actually doing what he says Em is doing – Saying/doing what he has to say to reach the masses and get paid.
    Em signed Slaughterhouse cause he knows hip hop..Crook and Joell Ortiz tear shit up…Simple.

  • j

    hate the Bol