Desperate much, Keri Hilson?

I remember seeing, the other day on Black People Twitter, where a buncha people were talking about the new Keri Hilson video, “The Way That You Love Me,” but I didn’t bother to have a look, because she has a rather severe pancake face, and for whatever reason, that shit really bothers me.

There’s something about it that just seems painful to me. Like, in order to get their faces so flat like that, someone had to press them face first into a rock. I know African people do weird shit like that (African people, don’t try to front, I saw that shit in a book), because I remember seeing it in, I think, a library book when I was a kid, and it completely grossed me out – much more so than the bone in the nose, and the plate in the lip, which just seem like pointlessly painfully but ultimately not particularly transformative body decorations, not unlike tongue rings, ear gauges and various other BS you find on the kind of emo chicks who are most likely to go down on you, here in the US.

Still, I recognize that this is something that’s just my own personal problem – just like I’m sure there’s a lot of things that I enjoy that I’m sure a lot of people would find odd, if not disgusting. Not like scat, or bondage, or anything like that, which really is disgusting, and you should feel bad if any of it interests you. But in the past few years, I’ve come to really appreciate things like latex, and fishnets, and heels, and certain kinds of contact lenses, so on and so forth, even more so than most people. But not at a level where I collect them or anything.

Judge not lest thou be judged, or whatever it says in the Bible.

Anyway, I saw yesterday where this site was running a feature on the top 14 crotch shots in the “The Way That You Love Me” video, and I was like, tha fuck? Of course I was gonna have to have a look, if only for research purposes. So I did, and I was taken aback. This new Keri Hilson video is some of the saddest shit I’ve ever seen in my life, in the sense that it leaves you feeling genuinely verklempt and less optimistic about the fate of humanity (if that’s possible). And you can probably guess that I’ve seen my share of disturbing images on the Internets. It’s not just that the video for “The Way That You Love Me” is vulgar, which it most certainly is (for whatever reason, it feels more vulgar than one of those WSHH cam hoo-er videos, which – hopefully – has actual nudity), it’s that it’s vulgar in a way that seems very desperate and unimaginative. Which is ironic, because I’d been under the impression that Keri Hilson’s background was in songwriting, and you’d think that as a writer she could at least come up with an artistic way to present herself as a slore.

And then there’s the fact that the video is so weird. I’ve never done so many doubletakes in my life, at the very beginning, when they were introducing Keri Hilson’s gang. They had some chick named JoJo playing a character named Boots, and I thought to myself, “Hey, just like the mid ’00s-era child pop singer JoJo!” Then I took another look, and come to find out it really was the mid ’00s-era child pop singer JoJo. Um, why? The last I heard from her, it was back when it was rumored that the STL’s own J-Kwon had dropped a load on her. Then he passed her off to Lil Bow Wow. Er, I could have the order reversed. (Bow Wow first would make more sense, given his status back in those days.) I remember I got a lot of angry email from JoJo’s young fans insisting none of this happened. but the fact that she popped up half a decade later as the lone white person in the world’s most unfortunate R&B video (at least since “It’s So Cold in the D”) suggests to me that it did. She must surround herself with mostly black people now. How old is she, anyway? I wouldn’t mind pressing my face into her weird, chubby, barely developed cleavage. (Provided she’s 18, natch. If not, I obviously meant that as a joke.)

Then next, up pops Faith Evans, looking more like Queen Latifah than ever. And I don’t even necessarily mean that in the sense that she’s gotten fat, because she was never quite thin, even by black men’s (lack of) standards, but in the sense that for a second there I thought she was Queen Latifah. She has a similar voice, and she’s got that same sassy demeanor, which might be the least attractive quality possible in a woman. But never mind how she looks. Why is she there? It’s not like she’s had much of a career since she got caught doing crack around Biggie’s kids, which might actually predate JoJo’s career. How was she even contacted? The white pages? She must be a good 10 years older than Keri Hilson, who might have just as many years on JoJo. What a fucking odd couple! If you look closely, you can also spot Polow Da Don, who must have made a mistake similar to the one I made back in the ’90s, taking creatine without being on a workout regimen (aside from my Saturday night workout [||]), and Lloyd, who’s just plain funny-looking. There might be even more once semi-famous black people in this video, but it’s hard to say. You guys know I’m not that in touch with my culture.

  • Brahsef

    Keri Hilson just ethered her own career

  • dome shot

    i keep thinking she wrote this song back in the day when she was still selling songs but no one bought it. and she’s bringing it out now the way a lot of hollywood stars turn down roles only to find out the next summer that it was Avatar they where being snotty about.
    she reminds me of both laurence and montana fishburne, like ‘damn, child, did you have to do this to my name? i gotta work in this town.”

  • http://twitter.com/jamal7mile Jamal7Mile

    Well damn, they already removed the video from YouTube and WSHH. It must’ve been on some other shit to get removed from WSHH. Was it that bad?

    • http://www.bboycult.com Don mcCaine

      “Was it that bad?”

      ^ with all of them fur burger shots they had in the vid, she would’ve been better off doing a video of her getting piped down singing the song…

  • Blackaristocrat

    LMAO on this article. Bol you did it again. Now you got to talk about that Raheem DeVaughn vid next.

    Watching that Keri video, I couldn’t help but think that somewhere Beyonce is laughing her as off.

    @Jamal7Mile Not only that youtube pulled down the video, they canceled her account! Best believe her label is doing damage control. TOO Late.

  • Ayre

    Meh. It was tame to me.

  • http://twitter.com/jamal7mile Jamal7Mile

    LOL!! I actually want to see it more now! Not sure where to check though. Let me try OnSmash. Oh wait… never mind…

  • mindgames

    If anyone is desperate, it’s you stupid ass haters

  • Shawty J

    Chances are she wasn’t desperate. Her previous album was critically acclaimed and shipped gold (which might as well be double platinum in this climate). I have no idea what inspired this video, or this song. The song feels like a step backwards, and the video seemed like two steps backward.

  • Lil B

    She is just..gross. I agree, very desperate. I’m guessing since she couldn’t rise on Beyonce/Rihanna status, she panicked and pulled this one outta her hat. Sad.

  • Aly

    Wow i really enjoy this site but you just killed it for me, talk about disrespectful, Being a blogger myself it’s another thing if you want to discuss a video but to be arrogant and rude about it is just plain unacceptable. I’m appalled at how you handled this and I’m shocked that you were even allowed to post this. There is a way to criticize without coming across like a 12 year old who seems to very much enjoy vulgarer things but has a personal issue with how her face is more than anything else? Who the hell asked you about her face or JoJo carer, I thought as a blogger the number one rule would be obvious to you, “Don’t get personal” I’ve seen others criticize the video in a way where the readers can discus it in a decent manner, yes i agree in the sense that i don’t like the video at all and have no idea what she was thinking, but you don’t need to act immature. PS What professional site titles their post “Desperate much?” doesn’t sound very professional to me, Due to the sites popularity your words influence many, so choose them wisely. up your game !

    • J-Hu

      are you new here?

      He’s been at this for years…

    • melody

      thank god some1 with some articulate and constructive words wrote on this site. thank you

      • Karim

        Shut up and stop Jocking…

    • HellNaw

      Judging from your Salem witch-hunt-lecturing your blogspot sounds like it would be extremely mind-numbing.

      Please post it in the comments so I know where not to get any light humour.

      Thanks.

    • dhunt512

      Bitch STFU and go die somewhere! You dumb ho this nigga been hating and talking reckless for years! You need to get in your time machine and go back about 5 0r 6 yrs and leave this comment! Oh yeah if you have any daughters they along with you are welcomed to suck my big ass dick!

  • Aly

    Yes relatively new, i was just browsing around some of the other topics and saw that the attitude was pretty much the same and seemed to get personal in all of them, What a shame. Does no one find the attitude appalling?, I’m surprised people haven’t said anything about it.

    • Shawty J

      People actually read his posts because of how ridiculously offensive they are. You’re not actually supposed to take what he’s saying seriously. Most of the time he doesn’t even know what the hell he’s talking about, and occasionally he admits as much.

  • Cal

    She always rubbed me the wrong way(I wish) as the female equivalent of a douchebag! She’s got this entitled, I’m hot stuff bitchy look going on.

    • nicholasdelorejo

      Cosign to Cal. She always seemed like the type of chick that would put a regular dude through the ringer by flirting and playing mind games from him but would be willing to give a blowskie to a famous rich celebrity. And there’s evidence of it when she stated how Wayne was the only guy that has swag to rub her booty. But anyway my problem with the video isn’t the vulgarity itself but the fact that Keri set herself up as a respectable, dignified artist from “Pretty Girl Rock” only to be resorted to a WHHS cam whore. I don’t mind chicks that use sex to sell music or whatever but I don’t like chicks that do sluty acts but demand respect as if she was Mya Angelou or Oprah.

  • melody

    ^ previous comment to ALLY. very much needed.

  • Aly

    Lol! Shawty, your comment made me laugh, by the sounds of it he is obviously a very confused man. It’s just the fact that he get’s so personal that rubs me the wrong way. I’m just confused about the fact that artists cover this magazine right, knowing that they have most likely been ripped senseless in it at least once at one point. I’ll try to take it on the lighter side i guess,thanks Melody :)

  • Carpino

    haha this shit makes me want to actually watch that video lol

  • c

    Yo Aly, BOL is our hi

  • caino

    Yo Aly,

    Bol is our hiphop equivalent to Lisa Lampaneli (prob fucks the same amount of black guys, lol).

    Keri Hilson – When carear aint going to great…….’sex sells’…supposedly.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    I have to admit that even I was taken aback by this video. Normally, Keri’s a very sweet and caring girl. Sometimes she and I will go out and catch up on old times over a couple of martinis and she’s quite the respectable lady. Skirts are long and flowing, breasts are nicely concealed without leaving too much to the imagination, and she keeps it a secret that she’s not wearing underwear until we’re back at my place getting hot on my sofa. She’s got smooth palms and delicate fingers that feel magnificent when her warm hands pull my dick out of my pants and place it gently to her mouth. The girl has a technique about her; a deliberately gentle method of exciting you gradually until the point of climax. She’s a great fuck, really.

    But this video is just so corny sexy. She’s like a cheap Midtown hooker with sweaty pits shoving her ass in your face and forcing you to acknowledge her presence. Like that shy girl that never got any attention from the boys until she realized that slutting herself up will fill your datebook in a hurry. Last I heard, she was tricking for tracks and she can’t write lyrics anymore unless she’s stupid drunk and powdered up with a few lines.

    I miss the old Keri, obviously. I’d want her back, too, if I didn’t know for a fact she tossed Rick Ross’ salad so he’d make a cameo on her shit. How am I supposed to fuck those lips now?

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • HellNaw

    Keri Hilson has delt her flagging career a death blow.

    To be honest I was surprised she got a second album after the poor sales of her first.

    She kind of comes across like the girl in school who used to be mad ugly and nobody really cared about.Went home and wrote a bunch of heart-wrenching songs because he wasn’t fine enough to be out partying.

  • dannnnnnn

    bol whats up with your website. i know u got shut down but start a new website already. u got the fire and cant keep the people waiting

  • TEFFLON

    it was just a video, big deal, i don’t see anything wrong with it, sex sell. keri keep doing your thing.

  • BORN IN THE NORTH, RAISED IN THE SOUTH

    If Keri was a white bitch with the same body frame & bigger cans, this would be Bol’s favorite video of all-time…

    IMO, it did seem kinda trashy, ala “Dirrrty” by Christina Aguilera. Lesson to broads: Don’t overdo it… ;-)

  • Aly

    Wow talk about stupid, you would think that you suck his dick for a living the way you just threw that little tantrum of yours. nah no daughters but tell yo mama she sure can , looser don’t think just because i talk sense that i can’t put you in your place, i don’t care if he was around for fucking 20 years.

    I’m, allowed to criticise someone if i feel like it, stupid pathetic idiot, and what the hell, “Hating and talking reckless for years”dumb shit you make it sound like a good thing haha go die in a hole looser and don’t expect me to retaliate back to future pathetic comments of yours because you sure as hell aint worth it.

    Oh and HellNaw i would hardly call it mind numbing but then again everyone pretty much adores theirs. So i’m biased in that sense but hey i enjoy watching out for the latest news here, but just because i don’t agree with some things doesn’t make me a bad person, I’m entitled to my opinion and find it silly that people feel they need to go all ballistic on me because of it, but whatever just as long as you don’t go to far like like Dhunt whats his face.

    • the W, formerly known as WarriorMentality

      bitch, chill.