The real life Tyrone Biggums
When I saw that Charles Hamilton was a trending topic on Twitter this afternoon, of course my mind immediately went to the worst case scenario: Charles Hamilton had died - from his AIDS + cancer, or from a heroin overdose, or as a result of a Matthew Shepard-style instance of teh ghey panic. It could have been any number of things. He seems prone to unfortunate incidents.
Then I looked up, and there was Charles Hamilton himself, promoting the fact that he was a trending topic on Twitter, over and over and over again. (Gotta strike while the iron's hot!) He seemed as surprised as anyone that people still remembered who he was, let alone gave a shit about him, months, if not years (who knows at this point) after his career as a major label rapper imploded in spectacular fashion, after he'd claimed that J Dilla had produced his album, gotten cold cocked by his teenage girlfriend, so on and so forth. I'd run down the entire list, but it's a Friday afternoon, and it's already past Miller Time. I don't even know why the fuck I'm bothering. But I had some shit to take care of before I could go in. I've been mad busy lately, for someone who hardly does anything.
It had been a while since I'd heard so much as a peep from Charles Hamilton. I'd seen, when he was on XXL's Ustream show, that he had a new Twitter handle, Charles Hamilton 2K10 or some shit, but I didn't following it, because even his old Twitter account could be obnoxious at times. (That's the risk of following crazy people.) Who does he think he is, Dallas Penn? (Who I see updated at least three of his Twitter accounts today.) Or did Interscope confiscate his login information when they had him escorted from the building? That account might be linked to one of their corporate websites. They don't need people clicking through to read about his heroin adventures, or whatever he's up to these days. If people wanted to see the Basketball Diaries, they could just consult Netflix.
It turns out the reason Charles Hamilton was trending was because there's this hilarious video on World Star of him getting pwned in a battle by this guy Serius Jones. Which is not necessarily the kind of thing you'd want to promote, unless your career is at the point where you need any publicity you can possibly get, good or bad, on the outside chance that it might lead to a gig over in Asia or somewhere where people don't know any better. Maybe someone will see it on the news, feel sorry for him and send him a check, like when a family's house burns down on Christmas Eve. It's embarrassing not just because he lost, because maybe this guy Serius Jones is just a better rapper than he is (who gives a shit about battle rapping anyway?), but because he looked retarded as he was losing, and because it looks like he bumrushed Serius Jones while he was trying to get his hair cut (or maybe he was just hanging out in a barber shop to discuss the civil rights movement, which is apparently a thing in the black community) and he somehow still managed to lose.
You'd think that if you were the only one who knew there was about to be a battle, you'd have the benefit of being able to prepare. Indeed it does look like Charles Hamilton came equipped with some rhymes to spit at Serius Jones, and they were reasonably well-crafted for what they were, it's just that Serius Jones is apparently capable of coming up with way better rhymes off the top of his head, while he's sitting there getting his fro tightened up. Watching him tear Charles Hamilton a new asshole (no small feat, if you catch my drift [||], you get the sense that if you instigated a battle with Serius Jones while he was taking a nap, he'd just wake up and ether you, then go right back to sleep. Note to self, don't fuck with Serius Jones.
Of course, Charles Hamilton didn't do himself any favors, showing up looking like a real life version of Tyrone Biggums, except with a pink Hello Kitty hat. Who knew that character was apparently based on shit a crackhead might actually wear? I'd only been aware of the sweatpants and dress shoes. (RIP DJ AM) At least he appeared to be getting around reasonably well. The last time we saw him, in that XXL video, he was in that wheelchair. Which, at the time, could have been dismissed as a cheap sympathy ploy or publicity stunt, but it's since been revealed, by Sonic himself, in a weird, cryptic blog post that his handlers have since had removed from the Internets as if it was some of my old XXL stuff, that he's now suffering from both AIDS and cancer. He even claims to not be sure whether he's survive to the ripe old age of 23. Whether or not that's true of course remains to be seen, though I don't have any problem at all believing there's something seriously wrong with him, whether it's some terminal disease, a drug problem, or plain ol' garden variety craziness.