My Thoughts on Mothers, Sons, Love & Addiction

“Nobody loves me but my mother/And she could be jiving, too.”

That B.B. King lyric cuts deep! I grew up in the crack era. I grew up in the actual crack era, not the one you always hear rappers rap about where they were all rich and knew Pablo, Papi, Hector or some other random Spanish name that fits to make the bar rhyme.

Bullshit, BTW.

I grew up watching men and women fall from descent, working viable people to zombie-like shells of themselves. I watched TV as former President Reagan and his self-righteous wife said, “Just say no,” and created the false “drug war” that was really just a war on Black boys and men, the poor and the addicted.

In the “trap” we called these unlucky people who suffered from the illness of addiction J’s (short for junkies). As the CIA and Reagan’s man Oliver North allowed cocaine in the US (Iran-Contra), unskilled and skilled labor jobs left the country and cocaine became the alternative economy for urban areas. Little boys became household breadwinners and lots of mothers became addicts.

Within these children, deep-seated cynicism began to creep in and fester like a cancer. The drugs that turned once decent folks into desperate sick addicts, willing to sacrifice what dignity they had in exchange for a drug, had a parallel effect on the community; it turned sellers into cynics void of compassion and sympathy. The same family members you loved and would give you school money were now shells of their former selves.

I connected with Jay-Z’s music more because of a story he shared about his shooting brother on “You Must Love Me.”  Whenever I listened, I remember having my “bomb” (package of rocks) stolen by a dear family friend, Eric. I can still smell the gasoline-filled bottles I prepared as I sat at the stop sign waiting for the lights to go out in Eric’s mother’s house. I remember seeing his mom and her live-in, mentally-challenged boarders and him go in the house.

I remember Rodney “J,” a good and decent man once, now sadly just a “J” walking up and asking me for a sack. I remember the puzzled look on his face when he said, “Fat boi, what’s wrong? Why you ain’t smiling? You’re always smiling.”

Then, I remember the look as he noticed the smell of gas and saw the four freshly filled bottles with gas and sugar in them and realized I wanted PAY BACK! I saw a sadness in him like none I had ever seen from him. He had known Eric had stolen from me and he knew I was gonna get pay back.

Rodney, in that moment, dropped the “J” and was just an older Black man schooling an angry and misguided child. With all the moral fortitude he could muster he sternly said, “Fat Boi, what are you doing, man? Son, you cannot do that.”

He told me there are innocent folks in there, and he reminded me that he, Eric and even my mom were sick. They all had the same disease and one day I will look back at this and it will not be as important. He was right. That moment is below petty, and I was just a stupid, angry kid about to throw my life away for 2k in drugs!

I wish I could say that after Rodney took the cocktails and high tailed it, all was good and I learned my lesson and became a better me. I didn’t. After Rodney took the gas-filled glass grenades, I waited on Eric for two days, I caught him, and I beat him up pretty badly. I dragged him the front yard for the neighborhood to see, and I wanted every “J” to know you cannot steal from me. I wanted the other dealers to see you will not take advantage of me. I did it in my mom’s front yard because I knew, somewhere deep in me, she was involved. Her addiction had made her party to this theft. I knew that I could not hit her, so I punished Eric with all the 18-year-old strength I had.

I sent him away to DeKalb Medical broken and bleeding.

I left my humanity there in that yard alongside his blood. I left my sympathy and compassion there, I abandoned my humanity. I killed part of me that day. I killed the boy that loved and trusted his mother. I killed lil’ Michael who always honored Denise because I knew her addiction and bipolar disorder would be the death of her and possibly me if I didn’t.

I am glad for the time God gave me a healthy, honorable and engaging mother, even if it was only a few short years. I hope one day my mother’s mental illness and the illness of disease will loose her from their vise grip, but my self-defense is cynicism and in reality I doubt it. I guess what I’m saying is I accept her. I know she is broken and will more than likely die because her kidneys have failed and she now lives only because of dialysis due to years of drug abuse and hard living.

But she’s mine.

She is the mother I was given and I’m thankful for her regardless. She’s my mother. She died for a few minutes while having me at 16, and she says something of her got left on the other side, and all the goodness she had left she put in me. So I’m fighting, girl, I’m fighting to foster that good and retain my humanity. It’s hard but I’mma do this. I have to for her grandchildren, my children. I have to be fully open to all emotions for them.

I cannot blame these folk for being fun-loving partiers; they like the current users of X, oxy, syrup, etc. They had no idea what kind or turmoil cocaine and crack would do. Cocaine was an atomic bomb that wiped away our collective moral compass. If they were able to see face-to-face 20 years ahead, maybe they would have opted out of the 80s/90s party scene. Maybe women like my mom, young business owners/mothers would have put a lot more time into their biz and kids, less into their friends and the social scene. Maybe, just maybe, my life and the lives of countless other early 30s folk would be different.

We used to watch The Cosby Show and envy those kids with two parents, dinners together, money without crime, fun without drugs. I am determined to forgive my mother for leading a wasteful life and get back on the path of good with her. I am more determined to be a whole human being for Malik, Aniyah, Pony Boy and Michael.

Kids of the ‘80s and ‘90s, it’s time to forgive and let go.

We have to be what our generation’s adults were not. We gotta be more like the Cosby’s and less like us rappers. We have to reclaim our humanity by releasing this hate that is in us and being open to love. Love your people—imperfections and all. I forgive my mother, not for hurting me or my sisters and her own mom and dad, I forgive her for hurting herself. I know she’s still sick, I know it will probably be the death of her. I know she has betrayed me many times, but I also know she loves me… and she ain’t jiving… she’s just sick. In honor of mothers and sons everywhere, people fighting with addictions keep fighting. You can win!

It’s Bigga.

Fin!

BONUS: “All for You (Niecy’s Song)” [Produced by Cool & Dre] Off Monster, 2003

  • http://yahoo jason

    killa kill from the ville i fucks with you my g cuz u always 100. nobody understand why you have to give some rappers passes and come down on others harder. luckily i had a pops to stay on me bout right and wrong but im from where people sell dope to they parents cuz if they dont another nigga gone get the money from em. read that last line twice!! coming out of that its no wonder why so many of these young men are lost. and for those who just listen to the music and never lived it you will never understand the thinking of some of our youth thats why i respect anybody with a positive voice who is really trying to do the job the parents and family should have been doing. keep dropping gems fam these pups need all the help they can get.

  • Moving Sideways

    Fucking Awesome Read.

  • ILL O’REILEY

    Nigga shut your dumb,about to be dropped from the label ass up and get yo mom into rehab.
    Bitch ass,pussy ass niggas always wanna come up in here tryin to kick knowledge.I don’t a fuck about your mom.Fuck that hoe.May she die with a pipe in her hand.

    Shout out to Stacks on Deck squad,my nigga man man,big nigga killa stan.I gets money you fuck ass,no dick all testicles bitch made nigga.Your boss maine is an informant and your music sucks old ass nigga.you’re never gonna drop an album.You spend more time fuckin with this shit and makin corny ass mixtapes that a nigga haven’t seen one damn album from your dumb ass.

    You need to retire,give it up.At least at the end of the day you can say to yourself,I did a corny ass song with Outkast and got dropped from a bunch of labels.Stacks on Deck hoe
    THE SPIN STOPS HERE.NOW ALL OF YOU FAGGOTS CAN REPLY IN 5,4,3,2…..

    • Anonymous

      Look at yourself in the mirror, im sure you don’t like what you see.

      • ILL O’REILEY

        Thank you for responding fag.When i look in the mirror,which is over my bed,i see your moms blowing me while Mike’s mom films the shit.Thanks for the love hoe.

        • Anonymous

          You just proved my point. You see nothing in the mirror but other people. The reason you don’t see yourself is because you’re nothing.

        • PZ

          cosign. Some peoples brains just works differently than normal. This dude is either sitting in a dark room as he wrote that…or watchin cartoons bein ignorant on purpose. People who act like that is on some extrme ends..poor fella. Jesus died for HIM too tttyho.

          good read Bigga and that’s real everything you said. Nothin but respect for you sharin and steppin up like that. Keep at it..you got God homey.

    • PA

      you are a very ignorant person. And proably one with no education. You just made ur motherproud.

    • Mike Bigga

      Hello Ill How are you. Need a Hug bfore we begin…? No! Ok Let’s Go. I can’t be dropped Ill becuz i own my label and master’s. I’m an Indie Ill…research ya disses smarty pants. Next, while you were typing i was signing another Deal so that will be two solo’s out next year and that prety much mute’s your other point (shouts out to El P and Flying Lotus we bout to make a Classic) That was Free Promo Ill Thank U for the help. You should also step your Diss game up by stating facts. Example you should say “Mike shut your indie ass up you aint as big as T.I.” or some other weak shit a “commenter” says to a “Blogger”. Then i’d get it and i may be inspired to something beyond slight amusement..Yawn.

      Advise: Stack’s on Deck is a “Cool” name but a lil basic as trap names go be the “Get Money Killers” of the “Fine Broad Bangers” ya dig. Maybe you wanna holla at the Lil homie Soulja doe cuz i believe he owns it S.O.D (Stacks On Deck Money Gang) NEW FLASH LOL.

      At any rate Thanks for the amusement i’m sure you and the Stacks on Deck movement will be bigger than me, T.I., Gucci, Jesus the Christ and Master P’s Tru, and Last Don albums.

      Much Success and to you and your family. Hope ya’ll will not die in the wave of Fake Bloods, Lame D Boys with bad rap names and Angry Blog Commenters. That would be tragic! >: c (

      P.S> Tell your mom that as bad as My mom turned out she still managed to raise a better man than the Pathetic reflection you see when you stare into that tiny bathroom mirror and say “WHY IS THAT FAT OLD NIGGA ON AND IM NOT?” The Mirror Should respond Cuz U A LAME NIGGA! Now carry on. Your Big Brother Sucker.

      Thank all commenters Positive or Negative! BIGGA! Gone

      • ILL O’REILLY

        ^^L.O.L
        Man,you need to calm down,Dyke Bigga.Let me give you a inside tip on how to sell weed trays,oops,i mean your albums.

        First,have one of these losers like EL TICO LOCO climb on top of a radio station talkin about suicide because your moms on crack,it gets broadcasted on radio.You hear about it in your 92 Honda Accord while on your way back from the unemployment office,you drive down over there and talk the bitch down off the roof and presto.Maybe you’ll be able to sell 102 copies of your wack ass cd or download.

        Dude,just give up,why don’t you start writin here on this site so i can clown your sorry ass everyday.You’re just jealous my mom is normal and yours suck on a glass dick.She made that choice,i guess you’re not that special.But there is one thing i can say about you that is positive,you really CRACK me up.

        Once again,THE SPIN STOPS HERE,TRICK.

  • lesotho

    Amazing read. Thanks man, i needed this.

  • KGdaArtist

    I almost cried Mike. I appreciate how you share parts of your “real” life with everybody bc you know you don’t have to. And I put real in quotes bc there are other ppl who front a lifestyle that they no nothing about. I think you sharing gives others a chance to change and better themselves. This is why your music is so real bc you keep the truth buried in your lyrics. I wish more artists would do the same and take notes. Keep doin what you do best man. You already know I support ya homie. #GTRGBBB

  • http://www.itsren.com Renzo

    This is what you call educators educating. Keep giving them outlets and the rappers will provide. Keep it movin Bigga!!!!

  • Worley

    This is a heartfelt piece. Salute for having the courage to write it.

    “They had no idea what kind [of] turmoil cocaine and crack would do.”

    Those are some of the truest words in this piece. Many times, I have told others to reflect on how we came up in the 90s and smoking trees was the thing. Consequently, most of us smoked trees. Now imagine it’s the mid 80s. Cocaine and heroin are the worst things on the streets. Crack seems relatively harmless and quickly becomes the thing to do. The next day you are hopelessly hooked before you know it. That could have easily been us if we were born 5 to 10 years earlier.

    Having compassion is most definitely key.

  • Tre

    I felt you on this one homie. Good read

    Ill Oreilly is just being an attention whore. And honestly needs his ass whooped cause joke or not, there’s some shit in his statement you just don’t say. By word or by computer, yoou foul homie and Karma is a mean bitch

    • ILL O’REILLY

      Come up to the D and take a shot!!!!
      If karma is a mean bitch,then that makes your mother a nasty whore,son.

      And the spin stops right about……here.
      pinhead

      • Tre

        Lol nigga please.

        Don’t blame us cause your real name is Mistake. Cause thats exactly what you are to your parents.

        I don’t respond to internet thuggin. You know you don’t run ya mouth that often. The D could be anywhere Ol Deleware ass nigga. If you don’t like the music, why respond? How constructive are you? Yous a silly mufucka. Ya mom jokes is played out. Try some new shit

        Ol affection whore ass, ya daddy meant to pull out and put you on ya mommas face ass nigga

        • ILL O’REILLY

          D is for Detroit,hoe.You know you love my style that’s why you called me out.
          You love how all i do is rest and dress and stay extra fresh.Shit,a nigga so fly he drags his mink on the flo.

          Put this shit in your bird brain,bitch.
          Stacks on Deck plus Goon Squad equals a ass whuppin for bitches named Tre.You’re probably in your thirties and mad because you don’t understand this pimpin.

          What you need to do is stop cryin over this crack head bitch and get your mind right.Throwin darts at me is useless,cunt.I run shit in this section.I shit it,you eat it.And next time you get out of line,i’ll smack the kufi off your head and run your hoe ass off the set like i did bigga.

          I sip cris,you cunts drink piss.

        • Tre

          Everybody on the internets a tough guy until they momma comes in the room and tells em to quit using all her Got damn electricity.

          There’s already a Goon Squad, and there’s already a Stacks On Deck.

          Yes yes and you’ll do all this from your laptop. And I got family in Detroit so believe me I’m quite comfortable there.

          I’m 27 and comprehend pimping perfectly. And I don’t see pimpin in you homie. So stick yaself Pretty Toney( no not Ghostface)

          You do know you are a joke and amusing as shit right? Nobody here believes you and ya crew. Nobody jumping big at you. No reason for elephants to swat flies

      • RonTucker

        Wow, so you’re from Detroit, but the name of your crew is Stacks on Deck? You ARE a lame.

  • El Tico Loco

    Ill O’Reilly just reminded me that crack babies are grown by now so he probably can’t help that.

    Yo keep dropping knowlegde, after the elections last night is gonna be needed, especially down here cuz we got a raw deal (pun intended). As far as hip hop the way things are starting to get somebody needs to get serious and have something to say, all the happy go lucky shit is starting to feel pretty fake right now, not saying to stop but balance it. The racial tension in the country is like boiling and all we hear on the radio niggas advertising products of companies that don’t care for them for free, Gucci, Prada and Maybach haven’t sponsored a single rapper to this day yet you’re giving them free pub and revenue, you damn near picking cotton for them. Niggas gotten so comfortable under oppression that they scared to talk about real shit that’s affecting us, I don’t see why be scared of losing sales nobody buying shit anyway so why hold your tongue, you got the platform use it and stop proving them right about their opinions.

    • ILL O’REILLY

      EL TICO LOCO needs to shut the hell up before i knock his ass out and have him deported.

      • El Tico Loco

        Damn man did I strike a nerve? Of all these cats going at you you call me out?

        Maybe you are a crack baby, a sensitive one at that. They can’t deport me and they didn’t abort you, I didn’t even know bukakke could get one pregnant, your mama shoulda wiped herself better ya crack baby. You lucky she can’t can’t conceive giving head to the D boy’s pitbull but then maybe you wouldn’t be such an e thuggin ass pussy ya bum ass nigga. Like Bigga said “You’re beneath the Ga red clay that’s under my nikes”.

  • The Decatur Dictator

    Now that’s what I’m talking about!!! Truly a great read and an awesome post. I grew up with a heroin addicted father in the early 80′s-went to high school in Decatur,GA. – C.H.S.! and that era was horrible dude. I carried the same anger and disgust for years before I was delivered from that madness. I’ve come to peace that in order for me to be a better man for my children, I have to accept and forgive what I went through as a child. Once our generation steps up and takes care of our business, then we can demand respect.

    1

  • http://www.bboycult.com Don mcCaine

    “Niggas gotten so comfortable under oppression that they scared to talk about real shit that’s affecting us, I don’t see why be scared of losing sales nobody buying shit anyway so why hold your tongue, you got the platform use it and stop proving them right about their opinions.”

    ^^^

  • bakerboi

    Great read and I couldn’t have put it any better bra. that shit right there is the truth man, the crack era did super damage to our culture and countless others as well. it’s did it’s job and accomplished what it set out to do. I can related totally because I lived through it, participated in it and came out the other end of it, blessed. And you are right we have to forgive, let go and love. But that’s shit is soooo hard to do when the only one that loved you is sick like that and at the time when I was younger it seemed she loved her dope more, but in the end she had an illness that she couldn’t kick. Man, powerful, powerful stuff KIlla. This right here is “POWER”.

  • ILL O’REILLY

    ^^^LOL
    Sensitive bitches.Ya’ll can’t fade me.Ya’ll nothin but Dyke Bigga groupies.Damn,i love fuckin with emotions in this bitch.Keep the love comin.

    THE SPIN STOPS HERE.BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

    • Anonymous

      Damnnnnnnn ill you got nuts on your chin homie! All up on the dick! Yo but on the reals you shouldnt speak when grown folk is talking!

      • ILL O’REILLY

        First,before you call pimpin out,your old ass need to learn home to use spell check.You call yourself grown but spell like words like a retard.You spelled your own name wrong,trick.

        I love all the rocks you fags keep throwin but somehow I remain on the throne.For all you cryin ass homos who are mad that I don’t give a fuck about his freebasing mom needs to put on their man pants and get their groupie ass over it.Damn,i’m good.

        • Tre

          This nigga said “learn home to use spell check”…………. Aint that a bitch LOL!!!!!!!

        • ILL O’REILLY

          If i’m so fake,how come you’re so touched by everything i write to reply to it?
          Old,dumb ass nigga talkin shit but steady following my every move like a hoe.
          I guess i got pimpin in me after all,bitch.

        • Tre

          Awwwh are you in your feelings?

          Look man, cut the tought act. Aint nobody trying to hear that shit. Find something more constructive with your time to do.

          You’re not a good internet thug, might be half retarded, but a terrible internet thug

        • ILL O’REILLY

          Damn Tre,I thought you would’ve stop fuckin with the kid by now.I guess everytime you see the words bitch,ho,or fag,you’re use to responding to that.

          Being a crack baby, you must be tweeking with all this crack talk floatin around here.You probably think crack ho Denise is your mom or somethin.Could be, but you’ll never know becuase any day now she’ll be partying with Rick James and Pimp C pretty soon.

          You need to go at Dyke Bigga instead of comin at me.He’s the one that written that desperate plea for attention.I think you have emotional issues.So by all means crackhead,keep actin out towards me,I probably remind you of one of the many niggas who use beat yo ass.
          Now you may reply groupie.

        • Tre

          Not much to say because you’re running out of shit to say.

          But you’re actually right. I’m not sure why I’m responding to a corny mufucka like you.

          But the fact that you called the blog a desperate plea for attention and then hop on and say the shit that you said, who’s really going for the attention here homie?

          Furthermore, you’re talking a bunch of internet thug shit. When more than likely, you can’t bust a grape in a fruit fight, can’t get wet in a thunderstorm, don’t have shit, you’re on a library computer preventing somebody from doing some important shit with their life.

          You can’t see me on here because everybody sees through you homie.

        • ILL O’REILLY

          ^^^Yawn
          Still ridin dick,aren’t you TRE?
          I called you a groupie and told you to respond and you do,just like a good hoe.You already helped me take the focus off of Dyke Bigga’s post and put the spotlight on me, so in the end i win.You’re just makin yourself look worse by being baited to respond to pimpin.

          Tryin to throw rocks at me just made everybody know who the fuck ya boy is.
          Now everybody wanna holla at me.So you did me a favor,base head.Library computer,no dog,i’m at your sister’s house eatin crab meats and pullin a Chris Brown on her when she steps out of line.You know the routine by now,I write somethin like you can respond now child rapist and then you reply back in 5.4.3.2 ….

        • Tre

          Alrighty tough guy. Ya won. Arguing with a dumb nigga only makes people blur the line on who’s who.

          So this will be my last post. I’m gonna go have sex with my chick, get money, and focus on life. All of which you don’t have. God bless the internet thugs, they fill us with great humor. Have a goodlife pussy boy.

          Lord willing you don’t get murked being a tough guy

        • ILL O’REILLY

          ^^^LOFL
          You’re the smartest dumb nigga i know,basehead.If you could read on your own dip shit,you already help me reach my goal of making this shit all about me.The more you focus on me,you’re actually shitting on Mike Bigga.YOU’RE MAKING ME THE STAR OF THE SHOW TRE!!!!

          Let me take your bitch ass to school for a minute,so go get your tin foil hat and i’ll go get the Dyke Bigga hand puppet…ok let’s begin

          Here’s how it goes,i diss you dumb asses and instead of focusing on Dyke’s shit,you sorry lame ass niggas keep yellin my name,sooner or later,my name is all over the comments and then other punk,bum ass bitches cut and past this shit to other sites and start writing about how i bombed on all you clowns.

          See,i promoted my name and at the same time took the soapbox from Bigga and made myself visable.You’re not gonna go have sex with anyone but yourself because a true player wouldn’t have to mention it.And you ain’t gettin money because what you’re gonna do is sit your sorry ass back down and respond to me because you’re the president of my fan club.

          Now I got an album comin out and just like i used Bigga to call me out to get the ball rollin,I need pathetic dick riders like yourself to keep me on blast,I really wanna shake your hand for keeping the Ill O’Reilly name breathing.You’re my cheerleader,you’re my sidekick hoe.

          And after all of this is said and done,all you’re left with is half of stick of non flavored bubble gum and wet Mike Bigga briefs,junior.

          If want to reply,knock yourself out.Everyone is laughing at you and you can’t even see it.You must love being shited on.I’ve been wiping Mcrib sauce all over your kufi,and you’re still rockin it.

          I know you’re on crack baby status and can’t comprehend this pimpin,but keep replying to me and keep showing the world how retarded you are,scumbag faggot.

        • SKIP ( Will KILL OREILLY )

          ………

          We get the point fagboy shut up. I aint wanted to respond to nobody shit until now. If a nigga say he done arguing, why the fuck are you still arguing you dumb ass rapper?

          Let me put it like this, ILL OREILLY aint shit, his movement aint shit, and ya ploy to get attention didn’t work.

          @Tre, I feel ya homie. You can’t argue with a dumb nigga for long because people wont understand who’s who in the end.

          Aint nobody gon buy this niggas album except the ten family members who feel obligated to do so. Real talk homie shut the fuck up running your mouth. I hope you do get to move around the country so niggas can remember your name and you can become the new yung berg ( gettin ya ass beat and robbed frequently).

        • mall macenroe

          damn ill orielly wrote a big ass post up there^^^^ anyone read that last one?? goddamn.. let me know

  • Tre

    Ill got dirted on in life now he’s a bitter sack of blue balls

    Ya name is Ill O’reilly from Stacks on Deck gang. How uncreative of you champ

  • boi-dan

    Good ish!!!!!!!

  • boi-dan

    I’mma play some of your music at the high school I sub at for an English class.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com ITSMEBEACTH

    Killer Mike never lets me down, from his music to his interviews this brother brings the truth. He might be a ex d-boy but he is smart enough to learn from his mistakes. I fucks with you Mike, I fucks with you.

  • BIGNAT

    good post mike this is getting saved. Ill O’reilly smh

  • worldbefree

    feel ya on so many levels..grind time bang bang bang

  • http://twitter.com/spiritbutterfly Lady D.

    You are such an inspiration because it takes a lot of courage to share the truth about things that you’ve done in your past or present- not many people have the guts to do it because it’s not easy looking at yourself in the mirror.

    I am sad to hear that you have tread such a hard road but everybody is given their cross to bear in order to have a testimony to give. You have a very powerful one and people young and old can learn from this. I pray for peace for your mom and that your relationship with her will continue to blossom. A mother’s love is past understanding and from reading this she is truly proof of it, regardless of the situation.

    Thanks for sharing and this just adds to why you are such a great artist. I like that you keep it real and not spit that fake ish like so many fall victim to just to sell records.

    >P.s. Reading this has helped me push closer to opening up and sharing a personal aspect of my life. People been trying to get me to do it but I’ve been sitting on it because I feel it’s personal but it’s my testimony that can help others.

    ~GTRGBBB~

  • these posts are racist

    Mike Bigga, much love and respect, as always my brother.

  • these posts are racist

    PS, XXL needs to regulate these comments, those which are blatantly racist, or as repugnant as the loner who Bigga SHOULD not have given any attention to, should be deleted.

  • http://twitter.com/Jamal7Mile Jamal7Mile

    Incredible read! Always got my support Mike! Keep em coming!

  • Zulu1925

    @ Bigga

    Congratulations for having the guts to be so honest and introspective, plus having the talent to so effectively convey your thoughts and actions. Like so many of the previous people who commented, I felt the pain and the struggle and the pride and the defiance in your words. Fantastic piece!

    BTW – I peeped that ‘Educated Villain’ tagline (Intelligent Hoodlum)…

  • Moving Sideways

    Wait a sec, you’re doing an album with El-P…please tell me that’s not a joke.

    • Mike Bigga

      NO Joke. Not the whole album but at least a 3rd…(Thumbs Up!)

      • Moving Sideways

        ain’t that a b.

  • Blaze

    Thats why sometimes I wish Mike would get a more serious platform….ILL O’REILLY

    U not real cuz, you just smoke and mirrors…somebody looking for attention. If those are your replies to this blog, then you gotta one of those cats that never did nothing in your life but you wish you did. Shock jock

  • ILL O’REILLY

    Damn,it looks like my plan worked.I just wanted to give a big shout to all of the suckers above who helped me ruin this whole comment section.All of those who called me out and gave me light helped me put Mike’s story about being the male version of Precious in 2nd place.Thanks for making me the focus,hoes.

    @EL TICO LOCO -You’re funny,I already deported your monkey ass outta this bitch.You have no green card to fuck with me holmes.So keep it movin.You fake ass Kid Frost.Go back to detailing rims or get a player some oranges in this piece.

    @ Blaze -I wanted to let you know i have done something in life.I pissed on you and made you take time out of your break at Mcdonald’s to respond to me.Fist pumps and pickle juice for your dumb ass.

    Man,ya’ll fucked up Dyke Bigga’s comment section.You guys really did.

    Ill O’Reilly Keeping hip hop on a lower level and xxl commenters on crack.
    Holla back you dog cunts.

  • yeah man

    Wicked, wicked, wicked post. I’ll admit I was mad critical of your ‘dedicated fans’ post but this one here I rate and endorse to the fullest. Nuff respect king-man, you come from far but you reach regardless. Bless

  • oskamadison

    Damn…that’s some gravity for your ass right there. I must say, Mike, you are a hell of a man to share something so deeply personal and poignant with the world. I pray everyday that God shines a light for all of us going through the struggle down here, no matter what that struggle is. I’m only slightly familiar with your music but after this, I must say I will be paying closer attention.

  • Ff1one@yahoo.com

    Co sign @ poet. Them negative and racist comments need to be deaded.

    Great post tho. Killa aka mike bigga, keep grindin. The post was beyond well written. topic was too tough in a postive way. I think ur talents are beyond what u do in music. keep grinding tho.

  • scjoha

    Thank you, Mike, for sharing the story of you and your mother. It touched me and made me cry.
    Yes, forgiveness is the key and the only way to overcome all negative, all over the world and in each small family.
    No mother and no father wants to hurt their children. They may not be able to give their children as much love as they need. They might be absent due to incarceration or running the streets or being stoned. They might be drinking or doing drugs, and use violence towards their children, be it physical or psychological. But even those don’t really want to hurt their own children. They just couldn’t do it better at certain times. Because they are hurt themselves.
    Forgiving them is the only way to heal one self, to overcome the pain we the children suffer from what they did to us or what they couldn’t provide. Forgiving our parents is the only way to break the cycles of violence, drug addiction (which is violence against one self, a way to kill one self slowly) and the inability to give and most of all receive love. To break these vicious cycles that are passed from generation to generation in most families.
    Unfortunately, being able to truly forgive and let-go of the anger is probably the hardest and most difficult task in life. It’s a life-long work on one self.
    Try to find out about your mother, what’s her story, what’s her pain, her burden of life, that led to her addiction. Try to understand her. And you will see, that she tried to be the best mother she could be under her dire conditions. Then you’re already on the way to forgive her and to find peace with yourself. Don’t forget about your father as well. Even if he was absent and didn’t seem to care about you all your life, never looked at you with love in his eyes. Try to find him, try to see what his burden is. Try to forgive him. Even if he’s already dead, try to imagine him and talk to him. Ask his friends and family about him, talk to other men his age. Try to build a relationship, even if it’s only an imagined one. It’s necessary to find peace with yourself.

    • Master CHeef

      some very wise advice. i’m glad i read your comment.

  • Q

    Mike, thats why I truly will say I am a fan because you drop true jewels thats every person black,white, young, old, male or female needs to hear. I also believe that you speak for the black intellectuals who cant speak or wont speak up and I thank you. I feel your pain as well being that I am a 80′s baby and my father was and still is addicted to crack cocaine trying to beat back his demons,but I still love him anyways. Alot of 80′s and 90′s babies now grown and with babies need to hear this message and internalize it and we do need to stop this cycle of hate,self-hate, and depression/violence. If we dont stop then it it going to go to our kids and I for one dont want my kids to grow up as fucked up as I did. Alot of our elders will not accept this message but reach out to them and see if there can still can be a connection so that we can try and rebuild somewhat of a spark in our moral compasses/social community. Mike Bigga as alwasy man you are the best rapper out right now and you been the big homie since “The Whole World”(lol bet that took you back)
    Peace,
    Q

  • LightSkinMofo

    Amazing read my dude. I can relate to your story man. Honesty and sincerity is what separates you from many of these so called artists. The crazy thing is that I had Monster playing in the truck just last night when I was feeling down and out. Had All 4 U and U Know I Love U on non stop repeat as I drove around in the middle of the night to clear my head. No joke man. Those two songs helped me out beyond anything I could even try to describe. Keep doing your thing my dude, you’re the last of a dying breed. One!

  • Darth H8ter

    Mike Bigga, I don’t agree with everything you say, but I like you because you think. Hurry up and put out a CD.

  • smoothsailing

    yo killa this was a great read man, really helps to keep things in perspective. good inspiring read. and hahah ill orielly is on here 24/7 haha that kids nuts

  • Joe Morgan jr.

    Good read Mike.It’s a shame the Rap world doesn’t have more artist like you. I bought your album off the strength of the writings you post here on XXL. And I will continue to buy them because I chose to vote with my dollars. Shot out to El Tico Loco for that Maybach line.

  • ZAE”KINGPEN”CARTIER

    KILLA THAT WUZ’ TRU AND ALL TOO FAMILIAR. I GREW UP LISTENIN’ 2 U BRA, & OUR STORIES SOUND DAMN NEAR IDENTICAL, EXCEPT MY MOM NOW SUFFERS FROM THE LUPUS, DUE TO YEARS OF ABUSE. THE CRACK EPIDEMIC HAS WIPED OUR CITY OF ATLANTA CLEAN OF FULL TIME MOTHERS, SONS, AND LOVED ONES. AS A YOUTH WE GREW CALLOUS 2 THE J’S AND VIOLENCE THAT CAME WITH THE TERRITORY. WE FIGURED HOW TO CO-EXIST TO GET THAT DOLLAR, BUT THE OLDER I GOT, THE MORE I FATHOMED WE WUZ’ DEAD WRONG BIG HOMIE. HOW COULD WE DO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT, I PRAY FOR MA DUKES AS WELL AS OUR CITY… ONE LUV.