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Hard Core > Fish Friday

It’s too bad that that Lil Kim-Nicki Minaj dis “Black Friday” was such a nonevent. I was hoping Lil Kim would get in that ass, thus leaving Nicki Minaj with no choice but to issue a response, and maybe an epic catfight would ensue, complete with Nicki Minaj getting on Lil Kim for being the worst plastic surgery disaster in hip-hop this side of Kanye West’s mother (just using that as an example…), and Lil Kim getting on Nicki Minaj for having such thundery thighs. It could have been the best beef evar. It’s only a matter of time before the infamous “Remy Ma ate the box” video would have somehow been incorporated into the mix. But, alas, Lil Kim must not be able to afford to pay someone to write her a very good dis song these days. She probably got the lyrics for “Black Friday” from that guy Jesse Stu.

First of all, what’s with naming a dis song “Black Friday,” and then releasing it on Black Friday, so that there’s no confusion as to whether the black Friday in the song’s title is indeed a reference to the day each year when ignorant lower middle class people camp out in front of Best Buy, Wal-Mart, et al. umpteen hours (if not days) before the store opens, for the chance to buy a $400 laptop for $349? I’ll admit, I tried to cop one of those laptops once, a few years ago, and come to find out the store only had like five of them, and you had to have a coupon to buy one of them, and they’d already given the coupons to the first people in line, hours before the store opened. You know good and well those people just sold that shit on eBay for the same markup the store would normally charge, and then used the proceeds to buy methamphetamine. Who else but a tweaker would stand outside in 12 degree weather, for hours on end, just to save $50 on a laptop computer? Depending on how long you stand there, that’s less than you could have made working at the BGM for the same amount of time.

The point being (because I realize it might not be perfectly clear to all of you), in picking that song title, it’s like Lil Kim purposely set out to make herself look like a silly, desperate woman.

I guess she figured she didn’t have any choice in the matter anyway, since this beef with Nicki Minaj was completely uncalled for. It’s not like Nicki Minaj came into the game taking shots at Lil Kim, KRS-One-style, claiming hip-hop started out in Remy Ma’s box, and Lil Wayne is only good for making out with other guys, or whatever the appropriate analogy would be. As I recall, someone once asked her in an interview what she thought of Lil Kim, or something to that effect, and she replied that Lil Kim was an important influence, and that was more or less the extent of their interaction. This is like when that Asher Roth version of Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So” (the best song evar) was blowing up on iTunes around the same time Eminem was first trying to mount a comeback, before he realized he needed to employ a Lifetime Movie of the Week-caliber redemption story in order to reach people who still buy CDs at this point. Some douche on the Internets was trying to get Eminem to ether Asher Roth once and for all, before he started to spread, even though you know good and well Jimmy Iovine wasn’t about to let that happen, but at least it’s not like Asher Roth had dissed Eminem. He was just trying to encroach on his turf. Eminem is soft these days, but he’s not that soft. Even people who actually own Recovery have a functioning knowledge of the code of the streets. It’s like in that movie Boyz N the Hood: you can’t just let someone disrespect you.

Or who knows, maybe Lil Kim feels that there’s a very legitimate case to be made against Nicki Minaj, and this was just the best way she could make it. It’s not hard to understand where she’s coming from, if you put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if your job paid someone else more money than they pay you to do the exact same job that you do, and they weren’t even as good at mopping floors, or whatever it is you do for a living. I’m not saying that Lil Kim is definitely, objectively better than Nicki Minaj, but I can see how she might think that. For example, Lil Kim’s last album got 5 mics in the Source. Fish Friday is probably not gonna get 5 mics in the Source, unless someone who works there is a lesbian, and Nicki Minaj goes up there and eats the box, trading oral sex for favorable coverage like they used to do, back in the early ’00s, when there was a lot of articles about Nas and 50 Cent. Hmm… What’s more, Lil Kim has one album that’s genuinely enjoyable, and not just by female rap standards. I’ll admit, I used to have a copy of Hard Core, back in the mid ’90s, and I used to crank the shit out of it. Granted, that was obviously Biggie Smalls’ handiwork, while Nicki Minaj (I sincerely hope) writes her own lyrics. But I don’t think a female rapper should get any extra credit for writing her own lyrics, if she’s a lesbian, because her brain obviously works more like a man’s brain.

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