They don’t call it Four Loko for nothing

It just so happened that I needed to get fucked the fuck up last night, after having spent the past couple of days writing about Four Loko on my own site, so figured what the fuck, I’d grab a couple of cans and see what the fuss is about.

Four Loko, if you ain’t up on things, is one of these caffeinated alcoholic beverages – like Sparks, but way more powerful. It’s been in the news a lot lately, because it’s been putting a lot of lightweights on their asses. There was a big story about it in the New York Times yesterday, and on CNN the day before. (And today, xxlmag.com!) This past weekend, nine college kids up in Washington state were found passed the fuck out from it at a house party, almost as if they’d been roofied. Which is an aspect of this Four Loko controversy that I’ve yet to see discussed in the mainstream media: you could probably give a chick a can of Four Loko and save the money you would have spent on a roofie – provided a roofie costs more than $2.59.

I wouldn’t know. Like A Tribe Called Quest, I don’t advocate date-raping women. I’m just saying. In a recession, you look for ways to save a few dollars.

One of the things I do to save money is pre-game for concerts. Instead of helping put some rich asshole’s kid through college by buying beer at the actual venue, I get drunk than a motherfucker at home and show up already lit. Again, this is not something I necessarily advocate, because it does involve driving drunk, and sometimes little kids get killed by drunk drivers, when their balls roll out into the street, where people are trying to drive, at 2 AM on a school night. As if the same thing wouldn’t have happened if the driver were sober. Also, more importantly, you could get busted by 5-0 and end up having to move back in with your parents and get dropped off at work like an eight year-old in perpetuity. I’m not telling you what you should do, I’m just telling you what I do.

I copped tickets to see Brother Ali on a whim, a few weeks ago, when I was looking for tickets to something else. I figured, what the fuck, I don’t see as much live rap as I should (even though it often sucks balls), and Brother Ali puts on a good show. No Morehouse. I’d seen him at least a couple of times before, on the nerd rap stage at Rock the Bells ’07, and opening for Atmosphere at the Pageant back in (I think) ’09. Last night’s show was supposed to be at the Pageant (the local equivalent of a House of Blues or something), but then, a week or so after I copped my ticket, I got an email saying it had been moved to the Gargoyle, which fucking sucks balls – probably because it didn’t sell enough tickets, because it was Brother Ali, and how in the fuck did they ever expect him to fill up the Pageant? I know Atmosphere is big time: a couple of years ago, I saw them draw a crowd at Lollapalooza bigger than the one Kanye pulled when he headlined there. At two in the afternoon or some shit. But that’s Atmosphere. A lot of chicks want to bang Slug. Many of Brother Ali’s songs are about how no chick would want to bang him. I was given the opportunity to return my ticket for a full refund, once the show was moved to the Gargoyle, and I seriously thought about it, but I ended up waiting too late. I only had until 5 PM Tuesday.

The Gargoyle, which is on the campus of Washington University, doesn’t even serve alcohol, so it was imperative that I get as fucked the fuck up as possible, even though I’d be the only person there intoxicated (can you imagine? on a college campus, no less), as I have been on a number of occasions. This was as good a time as any to try Four Loko. I lucked out and found some at a QT not too far from my house in a shanty town. I was concerned that this isn’t necessarily the kind of area with a lot of college students (or college graduates, for that matter), and hence I might not be able to find Four Loko, just Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull, but that turned out not to be an issue. Who knows? Maybe Four Loko is more popular around here than you’d expect. It’s an inexpensive way to put on a drunk, in an area where people need to get fucked the fuck up for as little money as possible.

I copped two tall boys of Four Loko, one fuit punch and one watermelon, which were the only flavors this QT had. I drank the fruit punch first, because I wasn’t as sure about the watermelon (you guys know I’m not as authentically black), but I figured by the time I got around to it my sense of taste wouldn’t be as strong anyway. With that first sip of the fruit punch, it became clear to me why Four Loko has become such a sensation, aside from it being an extremely inexpensive way to get lit. Because bottom shelf vodka is probably still the most inexpensive way to get lit, short of stealing the radiator fluid from your neighbor’s car, like a Native American Indian. But Four Loko doesn’t really taste like an alcoholic beverage at all. Any ol’ lightweight could chug an entire can of that shit, as if it were soda, aside from it having kind of a weird taste. I’d compare it to an extremely synthetic-tasting fruit juice, like a quarter water or a freeze pop or some shit, but with a slight metallic aftertaste, presumably from whatever they put in it to mask the alcohol taste.

I could see why something like this would be dangerous, to someone who didn’t know any better. Four Loko is 12% alcohol by volume. The alcohol content of beer varies, depending on where you are and what kind you get. The shit I drink is only like 4.3% ABV. Which means that a can of Four Loko would be roughly the equivalent of three beers. But! Lest we forget, Four Loko only comes in a tall boy. So, if my calculations are correct (and obviously they might not be), drinking one tall boy of Four Loko would be like drinking an entire sixer. I drank two tall boys of Four Loko last night.

I actually had a few more drinks in addition to that, but that’s because I’m gigantic, and I like to have a good time, and I don’t have a job or a family or anything. But I will say that I probably could have stuck with just the two cans of Four Loko and been more or less where I needed to be – and that might even be too much for chicks, and young kids. The hype is real. See for yourself, before Congress passes a law banning this shit.

  • jp

    About a month back, my girlfriend was in the store looking for some three olives purple and came back with the grape four loko. She would drink it and since i thought it was some bitch drink, I kept giving her gin and tonics as well throughout the night. Needless to say, she got shitwrecked and ended up saying all this crazy paranoid shit out of nowhere. She punched me in the face and smashed her own head into a wall. I have been telling everyone about how crazy it is and then this story came out. If she buys it again, the shit is over.

  • LuNaTiks2Cents

    Bol is a illuminati puppet, i seen a youtube edited video about him

  • Monco

    man ive been on this drink since it came out me and my friend always been alcoholics so when ever a new hype/alcoholic drink dropped we would be first in line to taste, i have been to hell and back with those Four Loko drinks drinking as many as 3 in a row and hell 2 cans to myself sends me over board but damn give me more and ill be blacked out at the bar or club just gettin down to a night i could not or will ever remember. Four Loko is always a fun one, me and my family get down to some Wii Sports and get tanked off Four Loko’s! i say drink up but drink with caution cause this shit can mess up your stomach if your not careful or even leave you with a hell of a hang over in the morning. just remember to smoke your weed and you’ll be fine.

  • ri067953

    Wow man, you are on a downward sprial. First, you spend a $100 bucks on a lap dance, now you are drinking malt liquor???

    You are starting to sound more and more like a typical black man.

  • h8er

    waaaaaaaaaaaaaa you posted a blog!!!!!!!! omg i hate you because of this! waaaaaaaa!

  • http://www.bboycult.com Don mcCaine

    Four Loko=Cisco in a form of an energy drink.

  • black jesus

    four loko is the shit.

  • Kev

    According to Wikipedia, the Netherlands version of this shit has Absinthe instead of malt liquor. So where’s the media hype job about those motherfuckers going around on their liquid PCP? Answer: nobody gives a shit in Europe about a bunch of 20 year olds getting fucked up because they realize 20 year olds are SUPPOSED to be getting fucked up.

    This shit really ain’t that new. People have been mixing alcohol with Red Bull forever and nobody tried to ban bars from doing that.

  • Boing Dynasty

    I saw some shit on Four Loko on seattle news the other day, they were saying it has the alcohal of 6 beers and the caffine of 6 redbulls. So theres that…

  • dat k00n nigga

    you young kids dont remember a 40 ounce classic called powermaster

    that was the shit back in the early 90′s

    now all these fruity ass cheap ghetto drinks hit a couple of crackers in college

    these honkeys are going ape shit

    • Anonymous

      powermaster?

      nah

      i remember crazy horse though

      • Kev

        Powermaster wasn’t the same thing as Loko. It was just a 40 they got in trouble for hyping as stronger than average malt liquor since alcohol advertising rules say you can’t hype how drunk a drink gets you. Then they renamed it Colt 45 Premium and nobody cared anymore.

    • http://facebook.com/dejadedottony deja monroe

      i remeber i had a four loko n im not a big fan of alcohol but me an d my friend heard it was the shit but it have yu spazzinq and tweakinqq for no apprent reason but we said fuck it we only had like 10 doollars and since liqour is exspensive we tryed a four locko as a alternative so like we decicided to split a bottle be cause we was hight [ off weed ] so wen she was done i i drunk some i remeber it was cranberry omg it tasted horrible diffrent from anything i would rather have drunk remy straight but so i coodnt drink the rest since she left me alot but ten minms later i remeber i wanted to fight saying stupid of wall the wall words actinq belingerent omg it was like i took numerous shots of vodka even doe i got wasted twice its not good and very embarrensinqq i dont think i wood try one .. knowing that im a teen i would rather had did CRACK…

  • 4lokoisgay

    four loko = blackout in a can.

    just so happens i drank one of the fruit punch and a tall boy of pbr last night and ended up fighting mini-hercules.

    fuck that shit.

  • john cochran

    I dont drink fruit flavored liquor. White folks trippin cuz all they used to is light beer. You wanna pass out, get a 211 steel reserve. Crack in a can..

  • Dallas

    I live across the water from Seattle and only hours from the college that happened, CWU I believe, it is crazy around here. Can’t check FB w/o some kid advertising they’re drinkin that stuff..

  • Cal

    Listening to NPR yesterday they had a doctor on say that kid he once treated of alcohol poisoning told him a story later on about how he told his teacher that he drank 2 lokos, blacked the fuck out, gagged on his own puke and ended up having a catheter inserted in dick. After that he was like “I’m done with that shit!”

  • Caino

    ‘I wouldn’t know. Like A Tribe Called Quest, I don’t advocate date-raping women. I’m just saying. In a recession, you look for ways to save a few dollars.’

    ^^^ lol classic!!

    Man, you all sound like a bunch of lightweights!! l’m from Glasgow, Scotland and this right here sounds like a bitch drink!

    and what about jaggermeister and redbull (jaggerbomb)..sounds pretty much like the same thing.

    my drink is Rum, give me some of that 7yr havanna club, or Salior jerry shit and l’m a happy guy!

  • http://MYSPACE.COM/SIRDEZAL SIR DEZAL

    IM FROM CLEVELAND AND THAT FOUR LOCKO SHIT BEEN OUT FOR A LIL MIN..I TRIED 1 A FEW MONTHS BACK AND GOT THROWED! AND IM A DRINKER..JUST BE CAREFULL WIT DA SHIT, CUS LIKE OL BOY SAID-U WILL FUCK AROUND AND GET A HANG OVER..i TRIED 2 TRICK MY GIRL WIT THAT SHIT AND GET HER FUCKED UP..BUT SHE FUCKED AROUND AND STARTED LIKING THE SHIT!! HAD TO CUT DAT OUT ASAP!!!LOL

  • http://frozenincarbonite.wordpress.com carbonite

    Although I am in favor of anything that makes 19-year-old sorostitutes get drunk as fuck, I’m not backing this newfangled energy drink+alcohol stuff. Whatever happened to good ol’-fashioned cocaine?

  • Anonymous

    bol is fake as fuck…fucking puppet

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=96544 jay

    i hateee four loko. the taste is ass. ill stick 2 beer n liquor.

    n why do ppl come here read his post every time n black bol.. i mean do u guys rly hate on ppl that much u gotta do that shit! get a life fruit cakes

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=96544#comment-1851020 Jay

    blast bol*

  • allhiphop>xxlmag

    fuck four lokos, drink JOOSE! it has more flavors and it’s not as bad
    and i dont like that Native American Indian shit nigger

  • Byron’s Old Buddy

    “See for yourself, before Congress passes a law banning this shit.”

    I think there’s already an FCC regulation about promoting products for pay without telling people and you’re violating that and pimping this bullshit here and on your wack ass blog.

    I’ll touch base with the Feds and see what they have to say.

    That’s right, bitch, I’m back! Fucking with your money once again like back in the day.

  • sdfaasdf

    this guy is a stupid nigger