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They don’t call it Four Loko for nothing

It just so happened that I needed to get fucked the fuck up last night, after having spent the past couple of days writing about Four Loko on my own site, so figured what the fuck, I’d grab a couple of cans and see what the fuss is about.

Four Loko, if you ain’t up on things, is one of these caffeinated alcoholic beverages – like Sparks, but way more powerful. It’s been in the news a lot lately, because it’s been putting a lot of lightweights on their asses. There was a big story about it in the New York Times yesterday, and on CNN the day before. (And today,!) This past weekend, nine college kids up in Washington state were found passed the fuck out from it at a house party, almost as if they’d been roofied. Which is an aspect of this Four Loko controversy that I’ve yet to see discussed in the mainstream media: you could probably give a chick a can of Four Loko and save the money you would have spent on a roofie – provided a roofie costs more than $2.59.

I wouldn’t know. Like A Tribe Called Quest, I don’t advocate date-raping women. I’m just saying. In a recession, you look for ways to save a few dollars.

One of the things I do to save money is pre-game for concerts. Instead of helping put some rich asshole’s kid through college by buying beer at the actual venue, I get drunk than a motherfucker at home and show up already lit. Again, this is not something I necessarily advocate, because it does involve driving drunk, and sometimes little kids get killed by drunk drivers, when their balls roll out into the street, where people are trying to drive, at 2 AM on a school night. As if the same thing wouldn’t have happened if the driver were sober. Also, more importantly, you could get busted by 5-0 and end up having to move back in with your parents and get dropped off at work like an eight year-old in perpetuity. I’m not telling you what you should do, I’m just telling you what I do.

I copped tickets to see Brother Ali on a whim, a few weeks ago, when I was looking for tickets to something else. I figured, what the fuck, I don’t see as much live rap as I should (even though it often sucks balls), and Brother Ali puts on a good show. No Morehouse. I’d seen him at least a couple of times before, on the nerd rap stage at Rock the Bells ’07, and opening for Atmosphere at the Pageant back in (I think) ’09. Last night’s show was supposed to be at the Pageant (the local equivalent of a House of Blues or something), but then, a week or so after I copped my ticket, I got an email saying it had been moved to the Gargoyle, which fucking sucks balls – probably because it didn’t sell enough tickets, because it was Brother Ali, and how in the fuck did they ever expect him to fill up the Pageant? I know Atmosphere is big time: a couple of years ago, I saw them draw a crowd at Lollapalooza bigger than the one Kanye pulled when he headlined there. At two in the afternoon or some shit. But that’s Atmosphere. A lot of chicks want to bang Slug. Many of Brother Ali’s songs are about how no chick would want to bang him. I was given the opportunity to return my ticket for a full refund, once the show was moved to the Gargoyle, and I seriously thought about it, but I ended up waiting too late. I only had until 5 PM Tuesday.

The Gargoyle, which is on the campus of Washington University, doesn’t even serve alcohol, so it was imperative that I get as fucked the fuck up as possible, even though I’d be the only person there intoxicated (can you imagine? on a college campus, no less), as I have been on a number of occasions. This was as good a time as any to try Four Loko. I lucked out and found some at a QT not too far from my house in a shanty town. I was concerned that this isn’t necessarily the kind of area with a lot of college students (or college graduates, for that matter), and hence I might not be able to find Four Loko, just Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull, but that turned out not to be an issue. Who knows? Maybe Four Loko is more popular around here than you’d expect. It’s an inexpensive way to put on a drunk, in an area where people need to get fucked the fuck up for as little money as possible.

I copped two tall boys of Four Loko, one fuit punch and one watermelon, which were the only flavors this QT had. I drank the fruit punch first, because I wasn’t as sure about the watermelon (you guys know I’m not as authentically black), but I figured by the time I got around to it my sense of taste wouldn’t be as strong anyway. With that first sip of the fruit punch, it became clear to me why Four Loko has become such a sensation, aside from it being an extremely inexpensive way to get lit. Because bottom shelf vodka is probably still the most inexpensive way to get lit, short of stealing the radiator fluid from your neighbor’s car, like a Native American Indian. But Four Loko doesn’t really taste like an alcoholic beverage at all. Any ol’ lightweight could chug an entire can of that shit, as if it were soda, aside from it having kind of a weird taste. I’d compare it to an extremely synthetic-tasting fruit juice, like a quarter water or a freeze pop or some shit, but with a slight metallic aftertaste, presumably from whatever they put in it to mask the alcohol taste.

I could see why something like this would be dangerous, to someone who didn’t know any better. Four Loko is 12% alcohol by volume. The alcohol content of beer varies, depending on where you are and what kind you get. The shit I drink is only like 4.3% ABV. Which means that a can of Four Loko would be roughly the equivalent of three beers. But! Lest we forget, Four Loko only comes in a tall boy. So, if my calculations are correct (and obviously they might not be), drinking one tall boy of Four Loko would be like drinking an entire sixer. I drank two tall boys of Four Loko last night.

I actually had a few more drinks in addition to that, but that’s because I’m gigantic, and I like to have a good time, and I don’t have a job or a family or anything. But I will say that I probably could have stuck with just the two cans of Four Loko and been more or less where I needed to be – and that might even be too much for chicks, and young kids. The hype is real. See for yourself, before Congress passes a law banning this shit.

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