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The Wifey Problem

Hip hop is probably the only musical forum where people will resort to slapping out someone (or at least staging it) who’s had the gall to… um… voice their displeasure with them in a comment section of a website of all places. Its hyper-machismo, quasi-misogynistic ideals are, well, part of the reason why I like nignorant rap so much. Sure, listening to the likes of dead prez can be rewarding, but I’m more than sure that all they want is some pussy, Uncle Luke-style, every now and then like most people.

Therein lies the problem, though. In a culture that’s more “we don’t love dem hoes” than “let’s settle down and pick out drapes for the house,” it’s rather difficult to have and/or maintain a long-term relationship within it. Even before the music, the touring, the drugs, the jail time and the other perks that accompany rap, men are imbued with the most carnal desires to mate with women. A lot. Hell, I’m pretty sure some of you who are reading this post right now have thought of having sex with at least two different women today.

Nothing to be ashamed about, especially when women are much, much worse than we are (and refuse to admit it!). But that’s another story for another time.

So, one can only imagine the level of schmag-level trim that comes a rapper’s way if they’re successful (or at the very least have their names out there like they are). At the same time, that would make actually settling down with one special person that much more difficult since we, being the step-above-primitive beasts that we are, are going to want to smash every little thing in every little city we could get our hands on; not exactly a quality potential female suitors look for in us. And when the slores of the world seemingly pass it off to us as if we were Adrian Peterson… well… Maury Povich has made a living doing shows that spotlight the consequential results of those decisions.

So, while it’s rather amazing to see the likes of Jay-Z and even (allegedly) J. Cole as one-women men, you can only imagine the hell and flak they get for that decision in their professional and personal lives. Well, except for Jay: let’s face it, marrying then – more importantly – banging Beyoncé is akin to eating ambrosia while drinking grape Kool-Aid made from the waters of the fountain of youth, all while getting top from Aphrodite.

It’s that serious.

In Cole’s case, when news leaked about him (allegedly, though he’s since denied it) getting engaged to his longtime girlfriend, an ocean of semen hunters voiced their displeasure at both Cole and his girl, with some even turning against him and vowing to never support him again. Really? There are women who actually get that mad at someone they never had a chance with before getting engaged? Pardon my language, but some of these simple-minded bitches need to raise their life goals just a little bit higher.

It’s like a catch-22, then, when men are lauded for being whorebags to willing skeezers, but are sometimes vilified when they’re actually faithful to one person. I don’t get it, but then again this is why I just hide behind a damn computer screen some 11 months out of the year.

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