Just my thoughts on Jay-Z and Beyonce’s children

With all due respect, past and present, and without further to do.

1) I’m tired of this kid already.

It’s all anyone wants to talk about on Black People Twitter and bored hoodrat blogs, and it didn’t even exist as recently as when I woke up this morning. Imagine what it’s gonna be like when it’s actually born, and people post pictures of it every day of the week. And the next thing you know it’ll have an album out, like Will Smith’s troll-like daughter, who, oddly enough, is signed to Jay-Z’s label. Her and Jay-Z, Jr. can be labelmates.

For the love of god, let’s hope this is just a rumor.

There’s a possibility Beyonce isn’t really pregnant. The only semi-credible media outlet reporting on this is Us Weekly, and they’re quoting some unnamed source. Which means this could be some ol’ bullshit. I could report pretty much anything, citing an unnamed source, and how would you know whether or not it’s true? If it turned out not to be true, I could just claim my source had bad information. It used to be the case that even the government couldn’t get you to reveal the identity of your source, if it was meant to be confidential, but of course Bush got rid of that. For what it’s worth, Obama probably has the same policy.

Beyonce’s sister Solange supposedly did say on Twitter how Beyonce would make a great mother. (How so?). I don’t follow Beyonce’s sister on Twitter – I just read about it over at Vlad TV, which is where I first heard about Beyonce allegedly being pregnant. Solange must be on Twitter a lot. It’s not like she has anything else better to do, plus I remember reading the other day that she went off on Katy Perry, because her son is obsessed with the ur-fapworthy “California Gurls” video. (At least we know he’s straight!) I don’t know if we should trust Solange any more than we trust Us Weekly. She probably can’t even get Beyonce on the phone.

2) This kid might be a little bit slow.

There’s a reason why even ostensibly normal kids these days look like they might have a touch (a dusting, if you will) of down syndrome. It’s because their moms are like 40, and 40 year-old women don’t have any business trying to have a baby. Once you get to be that old, you probably can’t have a baby anyway, or at least not without being pumped full of the shit the Octomom was on. And even if you do manage to successfully conceive and carry a baby to term, there’s probably going to be something wrong with it. Because the egg it came from was old and decrepit, just like the rest of its mother. In fact, something like 85% of a woman’s eggs are already spent by the time she’s 30. Not 39, mind you, but 30 years old. Beyonce is the same age as I am, which means she’s closing in on 30 – but I think we all know that’s just her showbiz age. In real life, she’s probably closer to 40. I heard she was childhood friends with Gabrielle Union, who used to be surprisingly young looking, for being mad old. But the last few times I’ve seen on her, on these bored hoodrat blogs I check to stay up on things, she looked older than a motherfucker. Which suggests to me that this NBA player she’s with might be on the DL.

Aging doesn’t have the same effect on a man’s reproductive function. You could be 90 and still have a kid and have it turn out okay – except for the fact that its father’s not gonna live to see it get very old. Which is of course a good thing for Jay-Z. Like his wife Beyonce, I’m not even sure if I buy that he’s 41 or whatever. His face is a little bit too droopy. He might be like 50. A 50 year-old man can make a baby just fine, provided he can pop a rod in the first place [||], but how can a guy, let alone a black guy, let alone a rapper, get to be that old without having any kids? Diddy can hardly jerk off without getting a woman pregnant. (Talk about an expensive habit!) There might be something wrong with Jay-Z’s sperm. No homo.

3) Let’s hope it takes after its mother.

The worst thing that could possibly happen to this kid, short of being sat on by Beyonce (which is the best possible thing that could happen to me), is if turns out to be a girl, but it has a face like its father. If it’s a guy, it should be fine. Both of its parents are huge, so it’ll almost certainly grow to be taller than the government’s official cutoff point for midgets (4’10″), unlike Will Smith’s children. It might have a face like a camel, like Jay-Z, but it’ll have enough money to buy whatever pussy it wants. That’s how it got here in the first place. But imagine if it’s a girl and it has a face like a camel. That would be downright horrific. I don’t care whose daughter it is, I’m not having sex with a woman who has a face like a camel. Give me a broke woman with a normal size nose and lips. As a guy, I don’t really care about money anyway. I’d live on a pile of garbage, if I could get a woman to fuck me on top of it.

  • Atlanta Is Full Of Fruits

    Dayum, who cares anyway? …..Cricketts……then silence…….

    • Buff Bagwell

      Suck my fat dick from behind no homo

      • Atlanta Is Full Of Fruits

        You must be from Atlanta.

      • Atlanta Is Full Of Fruits

        You must be from Atlanta…

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4SQ09TXx04 tiquan

    beyonce a beastly adams ass bitch… if youll fucka a camel youll fuck a goat(lil wayne) or a platypus (guccimane) looking nicca. #Ethereternal

    • :]

      and yet she would never fuck you

  • Anonymous

    “It might have a face like a camel, like Jay-Z, but it’ll have enough money to buy whatever pussy it wants. That’s how it got here in the first place.”

    Hahahaha

  • bighorse

    Bol, You are such a hater!

  • dat k00n nigga

    dat lil nigga will have a weave to herbooty thang and a vag lips, mouth lips like wet sloppy camel

  • black jesus

    “Diddy can hardly jerk off without getting a woman pregnant. (Talk about an expensive habit!)”

    hahahahahaha

  • gaddic

    fucking hilarious!!!
    “But imagine if it’s a girl and it has a face like a camel. That would be downright horrific. I don’t care whose daughter it is, I’m not having sex with a woman who has a face like a camel. Give me a broke woman with a normal size nose and lips.”
    You make me crack up Bol

  • cmoney91

    funny post lol

  • El Tico Loco

    That baby gonna look like Jar Jar Binks.

    • Official Fully

      Fully man.

  • Dent tha Don

    Could this be the beginning of the first true black super-babies? We havent had a true black superstar churn out a second generation unless you count the young Diggster and he remains to be seen as viable. All in all- I’m hoping the best for this child, if only the rumors of Jay>Larry Johnson> Beyonce beard status can be put to rest; even though I guess Memphis Bleek could be a sperm donor. . . pause.

  • boi-dan

    Bol you just put your self on sale with this post, they are going to come for you.

  • goatmouth

    WOW! Bol, you should be forced to smoke pcp laced weed more often…. you are spot on kid.

  • http://swankanddirect.blogspot.com/ chrome

    Amazing, acidic post. TIs gonna split your wig.

  • roof

    damn bol, this hypothetical baby hasbeen in existance for less than a day and you are already accusing it of being retarded? with your track record with beefs it will prob soon be joining “dr” donda west and pimp c.

  • kayos

    this is a great story, this is similar to the one i read on http://www.checkmatenewyork.com not sure if she is pregnant or not, but the kids will be straight

  • kayos

    story is crazy, something was simliar on checkmatenewyork.com

  • kayos

    checkmatenewyork

  • CuttingsWorth The 3rd

    Bol you always go above my expectations. Hilarious.

    • Enlightened

      Not to me. This was way beyond my expectations and kinda lame to me.

  • sb

    im surprised you haven’t gotten a 2 piece yet Bol

    • :[

      dumb bitch

  • http://frozenincarbonite.wordpress.com carbonite

    Dang Bol, how come Chuck Klosterman has like six books out and you don’t even have one. Oh well, keep bangin’.