With all due respect, past and present, and without further to do.
1) I’m tired of this kid already.
It’s all anyone wants to talk about on Black People Twitter and bored hoodrat blogs, and it didn’t even exist as recently as when I woke up this morning. Imagine what it’s gonna be like when it’s actually born, and people post pictures of it every day of the week. And the next thing you know it’ll have an album out, like Will Smith’s troll-like daughter, who, oddly enough, is signed to Jay-Z’s label. Her and Jay-Z, Jr. can be labelmates.
For the love of god, let’s hope this is just a rumor.
There’s a possibility Beyonce isn’t really pregnant. The only semi-credible media outlet reporting on this is Us Weekly, and they’re quoting some unnamed source. Which means this could be some ol’ bullshit. I could report pretty much anything, citing an unnamed source, and how would you know whether or not it’s true? If it turned out not to be true, I could just claim my source had bad information. It used to be the case that even the government couldn’t get you to reveal the identity of your source, if it was meant to be confidential, but of course Bush got rid of that. For what it’s worth, Obama probably has the same policy.
Beyonce’s sister Solange supposedly did say on Twitter how Beyonce would make a great mother. (How so?). I don’t follow Beyonce’s sister on Twitter – I just read about it over at Vlad TV, which is where I first heard about Beyonce allegedly being pregnant. Solange must be on Twitter a lot. It’s not like she has anything else better to do, plus I remember reading the other day that she went off on Katy Perry, because her son is obsessed with the ur-fapworthy “California Gurls” video. (At least we know he’s straight!) I don’t know if we should trust Solange any more than we trust Us Weekly. She probably can’t even get Beyonce on the phone.
2) This kid might be a little bit slow.
There’s a reason why even ostensibly normal kids these days look like they might have a touch (a dusting, if you will) of down syndrome. It’s because their moms are like 40, and 40 year-old women don’t have any business trying to have a baby. Once you get to be that old, you probably can’t have a baby anyway, or at least not without being pumped full of the shit the Octomom was on. And even if you do manage to successfully conceive and carry a baby to term, there’s probably going to be something wrong with it. Because the egg it came from was old and decrepit, just like the rest of its mother. In fact, something like 85% of a woman’s eggs are already spent by the time she’s 30. Not 39, mind you, but 30 years old. Beyonce is the same age as I am, which means she’s closing in on 30 – but I think we all know that’s just her showbiz age. In real life, she’s probably closer to 40. I heard she was childhood friends with Gabrielle Union, who used to be surprisingly young looking, for being mad old. But the last few times I’ve seen on her, on these bored hoodrat blogs I check to stay up on things, she looked older than a motherfucker. Which suggests to me that this NBA player she’s with might be on the DL.
Aging doesn’t have the same effect on a man’s reproductive function. You could be 90 and still have a kid and have it turn out okay – except for the fact that its father’s not gonna live to see it get very old. Which is of course a good thing for Jay-Z. Like his wife Beyonce, I’m not even sure if I buy that he’s 41 or whatever. His face is a little bit too droopy. He might be like 50. A 50 year-old man can make a baby just fine, provided he can pop a rod in the first place [||], but how can a guy, let alone a black guy, let alone a rapper, get to be that old without having any kids? Diddy can hardly jerk off without getting a woman pregnant. (Talk about an expensive habit!) There might be something wrong with Jay-Z’s sperm. No homo.
3) Let’s hope it takes after its mother.
The worst thing that could possibly happen to this kid, short of being sat on by Beyonce (which is the best possible thing that could happen to me), is if turns out to be a girl, but it has a face like its father. If it’s a guy, it should be fine. Both of its parents are huge, so it’ll almost certainly grow to be taller than the government’s official cutoff point for midgets (4’10″), unlike Will Smith’s children. It might have a face like a camel, like Jay-Z, but it’ll have enough money to buy whatever pussy it wants. That’s how it got here in the first place. But imagine if it’s a girl and it has a face like a camel. That would be downright horrific. I don’t care whose daughter it is, I’m not having sex with a woman who has a face like a camel. Give me a broke woman with a normal size nose and lips. As a guy, I don’t really care about money anyway. I’d live on a pile of garbage, if I could get a woman to fuck me on top of it.