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I kissed a pr0n star, and I liked it

This past Thursday night was either my first time going to a strip club to see a chick feature dance, or the first time that I’ve seen a chick feature dance that I’m aware of. It could be the case that I have been over on the East Side on a night when they brought in a ringer – a lot of those chicks aren’t very well known outside the community of people who spend a lot of time in strip clubs, which, unfortunately, I can’t afford to belong to, and I don’t have a lot of strong memories of the few times I’ve been over there. There’s something about being around so much good-looking pussy that scrambles the brain. I had a hard time finding my van the other day, and Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club doesn’t even have a very big lot. And I wasn’t even that drunk!

I saw on Twitter that the pr0n star Kelly Divine was gonna be in town this past weekend, and I was like, shit yeah. If you’re not familiar with Kelly Divine, I’d suggest you consult the Google. A Google image search will give you an idea of the level of talent we’re talking about here. You’re also gonna want to check out these videos she posted on YouTube a couple of years ago. I posted them on my own site, but then they got taken down from YouTube, as part of the conspiracy to turn the next generation of men into a buncha fruits. (See also: Katy Perry’s canceled appearance on Sesame Street.) But I checked just now, and I see where they’ve all since been reuploaded. I might have to spend some quality time with them later on this afternoon.

I’ve also done a post or two on Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club, where this all went down. They were the ones who had that stripper mobile riding around downtown St. Louis after Cardinals games last year, trying to get guys to follow it back over to the East Side, instead of home to their hateful wives and children. (Tough decision!) It was almost enough to get me to go downtown (no SWV) and/or to a racist-ass Cardinals game. They have also been behind that brilliant (and almost certainly true) study that proved that going to a strip club is good for your health, because it’s good for your health to be around women who treat you well, as opposed to the women you’re normally around, and hence if the government really cared about making people healthier, it would give us all vouchers to get into strip clubs for free. They could even pay (decent-looking) women to strip, as a sort of 1930s-style works program, and help kickstart this economy.

I definitely did my part the other day. Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club – which I hadn’t been to until the other day (priorities FAIL) – is one of these places where you can show up with $40 and be considered a high roller. There were guys who just sat at the bar for hours on end without tipping. There were guys there who weren’t drinking. (At some clubs this is more or less impossible.) There were a lot of Indian guys there. It must suck for the “talent,” but it’s a chill place to spend an evening, compared to some other clubs I’ve been to. I had way more than $40 in my pocket, but I wasn’t necessarily planning to spend it. I just had it on me, in case there was the possibility of someone doing something strange for some change. This was, after all, the East Side, and there was a pr0n chick in the building. I showed up when I thought the main show would begin, but it didn’t begin until a while after that, which meant I spent about two hours having seemingly every chick in there – except for a couple who were just downright unacceptable – grind themselves into and onto me. If I wasn’t already in my refractory period (hey, I work from home), there’s a distinct possibility I would have had to leave early.

The entire time, Kelly Divine was in this VIP area, which looked like it may have just been a place where you go to get $10 couch dances on any other night. I’m not even sure if I’d want to sit over there. She looked bored and lonely. I thought maybe I’d go over there and interview her for this site, which I’m sure would have been valuable mainstream promotion for her, but she was with this dude who looked like he might be known for putting in work, and the East Side is notorious for quite literally not having any laws. They can legally saw off your leg for trying to go wrist deep in a stripper’s junk. Finally, she got up and went backstage. I took this to mean she was taking off the ridonkulously tight sweat pants she had on, so she could take the stage. It’s too bad she didn’t just do it right there in VIP. It would have been even hotter if she took the stage with the sweat pants on and then stripped out of them.

This probably isn’t news for those of you more fortunate and more experienced than I am, but the good thing about seeing pr0n chicks feature dance is that they’re filthy hoo-ers, and the bad thing about seeing pr0n chicks feature dance is that they have no idea what they’re doing. Kelly Divine’s strategy seemed to be to get as close to you as possible and vigorously jiggle. Which is not a bad strategy, if you’re built like Kelly Divine. I’m losing my train of thought here just thinking about it. Only like four guys actually showed up to see her (granted this was the first of her three nights there, and a weeknight), so there was plenty of time for the transference of glitter from Kelly Divine onto yours truly. One of the very first things she did was take a dollar and try to shove it into my mouth. I was like, tha fuck? Dollars are filthy and have cocaine on them. But of course I let her do it. Then she pulled it from my mouth with her teeth, and kissed me on the lips. No bullshit. It was amazing. I don’t know if it’s because it was completely unexpected, or because there’s something special about kissing (a lot of pr0n chicks won’t do it, and pr0n chicks will do anything), but it sent shockwaves through my body, more so than any lapdance I ever received, even ones where I had to leave the club immediately afterward.

Maybe she saw me drop upwards of $50 on a buncha tweakers and figured she could clean me out at the merch table. That’s what she did, anyway. I went over there, thinking I’d reveal to her that I’m Bol, the legendary hip-hop journalist, and maybe this would be good for an extended conversation, and who knows, maybe I could even get a “freebie.” Alas, she didn’t seem to have any idea who I am, even though she’s @replied me on Twitter on a number of occasions. I copped an overpriced ($30) DVD to go along with the free poster and magazine I got from the club on account of being such a high roller. I figured I could put them to good use, plus I’d always have them as a sort of souvenir. This must be the concept behind merch tables at rock concerts, for people who actually give a shit.

The $100 lapdance I copped was the real extravagance. I didn’t get nearly as much out of it as I did the actual show, and it would have been hard to justify financially even if it included chauffeured trip to the Adams Mark, where doggy style commenced. I just don’t have very much money. At all. I only broached the subject because I heard she was doing lapdances, and I thought they cost the same ($20) as lapdances from any other chick there, two of which (of maybe 20 total) were arguably hotter than her. Still, the prospect of getting a lapdance from a pr0n chick was a little bit too tempting. It could have been amazing, and I could write about it here regardless. I might even write it off on my taxes next year.

It was only about an 8 out of 10, with the caveat that her standing next to you (facing away from you, natch) would be a 7 out of 10. She didn’t add a whole lot to it. The best thing she could possibly do, and the best thing she actually did, was plant her truly ridonkulous ass in my lap and get to grinding. But she spend way too much time dancing in front of me, not even in physical contact with me. I thought about somehow suggesting that she get down to business, and I felt somewhat entitled to that, given what it cost, but I didn’t want to do anything too rapey. Regular strippers, who count on that $20 to buy their boyfriends meth or whatever, are really good about doing whatever it’s gonna take to get you to drop that second $20. I guess pr0n chicks figure they already got $100 out of you, just to be in the presence of someone you’ve admittedly fapped to on a number of occasions.

It’s probably not the worst $100 I’ll ever spend.

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