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Please Jay-Z don’t hurt ’em

Who knew MC Hammer would get so upset at Jay-Z for spitting a few bars about how he could afford to spend $30 million without becoming a cautionary tale on late ’90s-era VH1, like MC Hammer?

Rick Ross wrote an entire song about MC Hammer, presumably a song about how he goes around spending money all willy nilly, eating crab meats as if they were Lays potato chips, and hiring teams of hoo-ers to meet him on the ground when he shows up to the club in a helicopter. (I’ve actually seen him do this.) “MC Hammer” is a song about wasting money, right? I ask, because I honestly don’t know. I’m not as up on recent Rawse as I should be. I never did hear Teflon Don, though they may have played the entire thing at a strip club I went to with Mike Bigga. There was an old man there, it was his birthday, and he seemed to know all the lyrics to “BMF.” Not just the chorus, but the actual verses. It was an amazing thing to see. I can’t believe I couldn’t remember that, when I got back from Atlanta, but it’s just now coming back to me. That PCP-laced weed Mike Bigga made me smoke must finally be exiting my system. I wonder if UPS is hiring.

(Also, I wonder if it really was that old guy’s birthday, or if he just says that when he goes to strip clubs. If it’s the latter, he’s even more of a genius than I thought. I might have to try that the next time I’m over on the Eastside. Who knows, it might be good for a “freebie.”)

Jay-Z probably got the idea for his line about MC Hammer from Rick Ross. You know how Jay-Z stays ripping people. I wonder if that will get its own chapter in this book he’s got coming out, Decoded. Nah, right? Rawse in particular seems to be a real inspiration to Jay-Z – maybe because he exaggerates the extent to which he was involved in the drug business. That song they did on Teflon Don about how Jay-Z isn’t a member of the Illuminati (I’m sure Beyonce’s prayer circle would disapprove) but Rawse would like you to believe that he is was the first time Jay-Z spit something that really impressed me in a long time, maybe since I was essentially a child. And like Jay-Z, I’m no spring chicken. I’m getting dangerously close to 30 – possibly closer than I am to 28 at this point. I’d have to check a calendar.

Then there’s the fact that Jay-Z kinda had a point. MC Hammer had $30 million, and he lost all of it, plus some, seemingly overnight. So fuck him. [||] If there’s a theme to this late summer/early autumn, it’s been people wanting us to feel sorry for them after they did some shit that was just downright stupid. First, there was T.I., driving himself around in a car your not even supposed to drive yourself around in, with ecstasy in his pocket, even though he had his wife AND his weed carrier in the car. I guess he was worried the two of them might take it themselves and not save any for him, even though it probably wouldn’t take as much to get him rolling as it was take a brother such as myself. Now, MC Hammer wants up to sympathize with him, because someone pointed out that he threw away $30 million, 20 years ago. Meanwhile, that’s about the only thing anyone has said about MC Hammer since I’ve been out of grade school. If I wanted to, I could probably find other examples, as well. This is, after all, rap music. For example, there was Soulja Boy laying up with Kat Stacks, like brothers on a hotel bed, and then getting pissed off because people thought he was on drugs. At least that would have been an excuse. (But I still hope he sues Miss Info.)

Maybe MC Hammer is pissed at Jay-Z, because Jay-Z has been able to get away with all of the things MC Hammer got dissed for back in the day. MC Hammer made corny pop songs and got mocked in a video by 3rd Bass. Jay-Z makes corny pop songs and gets to drop his children off in and on Beyonce’s gigantic pooper. MC Hammer did commercials for Pepsi, Taco Bell and what have you, and was viewed as a sell out piece of shit. Jay-Z’s entire life is pretty much a commercial at this point, and he’s viewed as a sell out piece of shit, but only by a few random haters on the Internets. Otherwise, he’s viewed as a business genius. He was even on the cover of this year’s Forbes 400 issue with Warren Buffet. I could see why MC Hammer would be upset with Jay-Z. He lowered the standard, and hence opened doors for people like Jay-Z. If he would have come along 10 years later than he did, he might be on the Forbes 400 list himself. But as it is, he just didn’t have the same opportunity. I don’t even understand how he only made $30 million, and Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em went diamond-plus. Didn’t Yung Joc make like $16 million for “It’s Going Down.” MC Hammer might want to check with the accounting department at Capitol Records, if there’s still such a thing. I think I see a way out of this.

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