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It’s too late to ‘pologize

Kanye West keeps apologizing for snatching the mic out of Taylor Swift’s hands at the VMAs, as if anyone gives a shit.

I could see if he went on the View, or some show where you’d suspect that a significant amount of the audience wouldn’t like the idea of a 30-something black man interrupting a teenage white girl’s award acceptance speech to inform her that her video wasn’t as good as the video of some black chick who looks like she was conjured from the depths of R. Crumb’s subconscious (presumably the main draw of the video for “Single Ladies,” which doesn’t consist of anything other than Beyonce in her underwear dancing like a retard doing the hokey pokey at an adult day care center). I know Kanye was trying to crack that audience of middle aged white women with 808s & Heartbreak, either because he figured that was an appropriate market for that kind of music, or because Oprah or somebody explained to him that they’ll buy pretty much anything they see advertised on daytime TV. (Maybe his big brother told him that.) I know he debuted the video for “Love Lockdown” on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. I wonder if she did that dumbass dance she does at the beginning of the show. It’s not like I was doing anything the day he was on, but I wasn’t about to watch that shit. It’s On with Alexa Chung, on the other hand…

Some cracka-ass crackas probably never will get over the incident at last year’s VMAs, but I don’t think most hip-hop heads ever really gave a shit. I was more concerned with the fact that Kanye thought that “Single Ladies” was one of the best music videos of all time, of ALL TIME. “Single Ladies” wasn’t even one of the best music videos of that year, let alone of all time. “Losing My Religion” was one of the best music videos of all time. No homo. I don’t even know what it was about, but that shit felt important to me. (That’s how you know it’s real art.) Beyonce didn’t do shit in the video for “Single Ladies” but stand there and jiggle. And I’ve seen much better videos where a woman didn’t do shit but stand there and jiggle while a song plays in the background. It’s too bad none of them were eligible for a Video Music Award, because they weren’t music videos per se, and – more likely – because the TIs didn’t have anything to do with them. I might need to speak to someone at MTV about this. Who gives a shit whether or not something is a real, according to Hoyle music video? This is 2010 – we all have our different ways of listening to bad music. I know MTV has been beefing with the major labels anyway (both of them), because the TIs are trying to charge them money to play music videos. Tha fuck?

I think I see a way out of this!

It’s obvious to me that Kanye is just trying to ride the incident at last year’s VMAs for what it’s worth. I don’t buy for a minute that he’s really sorry for what he did, or that it had anything to do with the state his career is in. His career was already spiraling out anyway, because he was running out of ideas. If he could have put out another rap album on a par with Graduation, instead of motherfucking 808s & Heartbreak, he would have, never mind his fiance finally growing tired of his shit (I might still need to holler), and his mom dying in a tragic plastic surgery mishap. Similarly, I heard on the radio that this past weekend, while I was working like a Hebrew slave at the BGM, Kanye went on Twitter and tried to link the death of his own clothing line before it even began, as if it was one of Drew Barrymore’s kids, to his stunt at the VMAs. As if he’d invested all of this time and money and effort into launching it, and it was something people would actually want to buy, but then the Jewish guy in charge was like, “I’m sorry, Kanye. Everything else is in place, but I can’t go into business with someone who ruined Taylor Swift’s moment like that.” (You know how Jewish guys are about blondes.) Let me guess: Kanye insisted on doing the designs himself, and they didn’t look like anything a straight guy would wear, and even a lot of teh ghey people didn’t really care for them, and so the people who were really in charge pulled the plug. This may have happened at more or less the same time as the VMAs, but no one with the sense god gave geese will believe the one had anything to do with the other.

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