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Is Sean Penn really on cocaine?

Wyclef Jean was barred from running for president of Haiti, because he doesn’t really live there. He just has some sort of BS ambassadorship they gave him for being one of the few people from Haiti to come to the US who didn’t end up driving a cab back and forth to the airport, letting off nasty goya bean farts the entire way, out of spite.

Jean of course responded by writing a song about how Sean Penn is on cocaine. It was a slightly modified version of his song “If I Was President,” also including a few lines about how Pras only ever kicked eight bars when he was in the Fugees. I wonder if pay in the Fugees was split equally three ways. If so, I could see why that would lead him to be bitter about Pras. I’m sure The Score would have been just as good with one non-rapping Haitian dude instead of two. And Clef might be running out of money. During that great 10-day period in which it looked like Wyclef really was gonna run for president of Haiti, someone dug up pictures of a house he started in Florida but never finished, presumably because he ran out of money. Yele Haiti raked in a shedload of money after that earthquake, but there’s no way he can touch it now, with the ridonkulous level of scrutiny he’s under. If he used that money to buy a ham sandwich, the smoking gun would probably somehow end up with a copy of the receipt.

Sean Penn had his organization fire off a nasty press release pointing out the fact that he couldn’t be on cocaine, because it’s bad for your immune system, in a place where you could probably catch all sorts of diseases (not just AIDS), and also because they have a policy against illegal drug use. Which makes me think he might actually be on cocaine. Because why even bother dignifying Wyclef with a response? Sean Penn is down there in Haiti doing way more for them than I ever did, even though I donated $30 to the Red Cross, which was taken from my paychecks at the BGM in three installments of $10 each, which I’m sure is a ridonkulously generous donation, relatively speaking. It must have been the rough equivalent of Bill Cosby (another abuser of honorary accolades) donating umpteen million dollars to an HBCU where he probably roofied some chick.

Where’s my cover of Jet magazine?

Wyclef must know something about Sean Penn that the rest of us don’t. At least not first hand. Clef runs in a lot of those same Hollywood circles. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie famously donated the money they got from some tabloid magazine for the first pictures of one of their miracle babies (not the black one, obvs) to Yele Haiti, which probably spent it either on a new Lamborghini for Wyclef, or to pay off one of Wyclef’s jumpoffs – or possibly for a Lamborghini to be used to pay off one of Wyclef’s jumpoffs. Who knows? They definitely didn’t use it to pay their taxes. That money must have been reimbursement for some coke they sniffed at Wyclef’s house. Celebrities don’t just randomly give shedloads of money to each other’s charities, let alone an organization as shady as Yele Haiti. If Brangelina were really interested in helping people, and they wanted Wyclef to be involved for whatever reason, they could have donated that money to a real charity in Wyclef’s name. That was obviously a very sophisticated drug transaction. Sean Penn was probably at the same party. Sean Penn and Wyclef probably sniffed coke together, which is how Sean Penn knows Wyclef doesn’t have any business trying to be the president of Haiti.

The real tragedy in this is: who gives a rats ass whether or not Sean Penn is on cocaine? See, that’s why a lot of these celebrities don’t bother volunteering their time. You can hardly do shit for people, without them accusing you of being on drugs. As if. Instead of that nasty press release, Sean Penn should have had his organization fax Wyclef’s organization a copy of that study by the World Health Organization (or whatever) in which it was proven, once and for all, that recreational coke use isn’t even particularly bad for you, and the only reason it’s way more illegal than anything other than maybe murder (emphasis on maybe) is because it helps grow the prison-industrial complex. Such a study really does exist. Some young guy posted it in the comments section here the last time I was talking about coke.

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