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Sniff that Soulja Boy

It just occurred to me that there must be a lot of people in hip-hop who have the means to do cocaine who don’t, because they think it’s bad for you or some shit. This, in the same community where everyone’s constantly high on weed and strapped with guns. (I thought weed was supposed to make you peaceful)? Tha fuck?

Yesterday, perhaps while I was having mediocre chicken wings at my new favorite restaurant of all time (of ALL TIME), Tilted Kilt, a video surfaced of Kat Stacks taking us on an MTV Cribs-style tour of Soulja Boy’s classy hotel room here in Atlanta. I know that’s where I read about it on Twitter.

You’d think Soulja Boy had been caught letting Kat Stacks stick two fingers in his ass or some shit. No one really described what happened in the video, I guess because you could see for yourself if you were at a computer or on a cell phone that plays videos from World Star – all I kept hearing was how devastating it was for him.

Turns out all he did was leave a gigantic pile of coke out, where Kat Stacks could have sniffed it, or stolen it, or sneezed on it, like Woody Allen that time he went out to LA, in the movie Annie Hall, (Cam’ron knows what I’m talking about), while he was in the shower thoroughly washing his junk, in case Kat Stacks had the clap or some shit.

I’ve heard that you can pretty much fuck without a rubber, as long as you thoroughly wash your junk both before and afterward. But I read that on Street Carnage, so I’m not sure if it’s definitely true or not. It seems like a reputable enough site (it’s taught me a lot of things over the years), it’s just that I’ve yet to verify it on an actual medical site, or run it by a board certified physician like Dr. Drew Pinsky. I’d ask my primary care doctor, but my parents go to the same place. I can’t have them thinking I’m out here making bad decisions. Er, bad decisions that aren’t career-related.

It wouldn’t be the first time I found out that something I learned in 8th grade health class with Mr. Arico was some ol’ bullshit, but merely the latest in a long line of such revelations, including the fact that guys don’t really get AIDS from banging chicks via the main entry, and the fact that pulling out is more or less as effective a form of birth control as wearing a rubber. In retrospect, the dead giveaway should have been the fact that the curriculum was based primarily around the ’80s version of Degrassi Jr. High (before there was a such thing as a Drake).

Similarly, I suspect that most of what we know about cocaine is wrong. I’ve never had a positive experience with it a day in my life, but that’s probably because I was getting bad shit. I’ve heard that half the time it’s just meth cut with Johnson’s Baby Powder or some shit. (God forbid it was all meth). I wouldn’t be surprised, given some of the white people I’ve worked with over the years. That’s probably what took out the late, great (actually dead) Jay Reatard. But then you have guys like Mick Fleetwood, who once claimed to have spent $8 million on coke over the course of his lifetime. I don’t think he was bragging. It sounded like he had his accountant go in and figure out just how much he’d spent on coke over the years.

I read somewhere recently, possibly in reference to Eminem, who’s had his problems with prescription drugs over the years, that if you only fuck with natural drugs, as opposed to shit like vicodin, the effect on your body is relatively minimal and reversible: you kick it for 10 months or whatever, and you liver regenerates itself. That’s how Keef Richards has been on heroin since the ’60s and he’s yet to drop dead. But if you get hooked on some of this shit the Illuminati put together in a laboratory, it somehow rewires your brain. This can be proved at least anecdotally by going to a certain kind of party. People on cocaine look mad healthy, if a bit fidgety. Lindsay Lohan never looked so good as when she got locked up recently for violating the terms of her probation. Those pictures she did for Complex gave me an instant semi- – which doesn’t happen as often these days. It has to be a very special women. I haven’t seen any pictures of her lately, though I’m sure she only did like three days or some shit, but I doubt she looked any better when she got out.

I’d write a letter to my congressman, if I thought the government was actually concerned with making people healthier. If they were, they’d send us all vouchers to get into strip clubs for free. Strip clubs have been proven scientifically to make men healthy. Visit to download a copy of the report, as well a pass for one complimentary admission. Nhjic.

The government might also educate black people on the benefits of sniffing cocaine, at least relative to half of the other shit black people do on the reg. Not only is the sentencing for possession way more lenient than crack, but it’s probably not nearly as bad for you as you’d think, to hear how surprised Kat Stacks was to find it in Soulja Boy’s hotel room. Amazingly (given these guys’ income), that must have been the first time she found coke in a rapper’s hotel room. It must be one of those things, like swimming, where black people haven’t been into it historically, so every now and then it costs one of us our lives. It used to be that it was prohibitively expensive, but black people are a lot more well off than we used to be. If black women spent half what they spent on hair weave on cocaine, who knows, they might slim down some.

Priorities, people!

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