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Should 50 Cent give up on acting?

I thought the whole point of 50 Cent making all of these movies is that you can make a shedload of money making movies?

Fiddy went through all of that trouble slimming down to crackhead weight, like Donnie Wahlberg in the Sixth Sense (the one from New Kids on the Block, not the one from the underwear commercials), just to come in #14 on Forbes’ annual list of hip-hop’s Cash Kings, down there with the likes of T-Pain (who can now claim to be on an album that got five mics in the Source) and Soulja Boy. Jay-Z hasn’t acted in shit, unless you count that extended version of the video for “Streets Is Watching” with all of the gratuitous nudity, which came out way back when Jay-Z’s current fans were still into Boyz II Men and/or the Teletubbies. I copped that shit from Best Buy for like $8. I didn’t even know there was gonna be all that nudity in it. I just liked the song. Bonus!

It was only last year or the year before (note my dedication to accuracy) when Fiddy made anywhere between $100 million and $400 million, depending on who you believe. How in the fuck could his income decrease so precipitously? He had been making way more than Jay-Z – now Jay-Z is making something like 8x more than he does. And it’s not like Jay-Z has received a substantial pay raise. He probably lost a shedload of money from those Stringer Bell-style real estate deals I tried to warn him about, it’s just he made so much from touring. Can’t you make like $200 million a year from touring? I remember reading in Rolling Stone, when I was waiting to pick my mom up from the dentist, that Madonna made something ridonkulous like $400 million. Not in her life, mind you. I mean last year. I was also surprised to read that that song “Hung Up” is her most popular song evar, and that’s why it’s the first song on her greatest hits album. Literally no one here in the US likes it, but it’s very popular in the rest of the world, where people don’t have as good taste in music.

But I digress.

It seems like 50 Cent is working entirely too hard to be making as little as he makes. I could see if he hadn’t been doing shit, but he’s been in a shedload of bad movies these past few years. I know at least one of thme he also wrote and directed. I saw the trailer, and it seemed bad enough that he wasn’t lying about it. His Hollywood productions haven’t been much better. He’s building a veritable cottage industry around playing the black heavy in movies starring white actors on;y dumb people still respect at this point, like Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. I remember it was a big deal when they were in that movie Heat together, even though it was hard to tell if they didn’t just use CGI to make it look like they were sitting across the table from each other. The technology had been around at least since that movie where Jean Claude Van Damme played his own evil twin. They may have been too conceited to be in the same room together. (You’ll recall that they were also both in the Godfather Part II, but they didn’t have any scenes together.) No one seemed to give a shit that Pacino and De Niro were in Righteous Kill together, perhaps because of how much bullshit they put out in the interim.

This probably didn’t occur to him before he set out on the path that he’s on, but if I made somewhere in between $100 and $400 million last year, and this year I had the choice to either make umpteen movies with white guys who used to be pretty good actors, but then they put on 30 pounds that they apparently can’t lose (I’ve lost 30 pounds in a good BM), and now they can’t get a job in a movie that’s actually released in theaters, like Val Kilmer and Ray Liotta, and make $8 million dollars, or sit around all day talking shit about Rawse, and not make shit, I’d opt for the latter. I happen to enjoy sitting around all day talking shit about Rawse anyway, so for me it’s a no brainer. And I make something pretty close to jack schitt – once you subtract what it costs for necessities like food, clothing and shelter, plus the alcohol regimen I’m on, it pretty much is jack schitt. It’s not as bad as you’d think. The key is to not want anything. Or in other words, to lack ambition. Fiddy is at least famous enough that chicks will bang him just to say they did it. (That’s where I’m trying too get to.) What else does he need?

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