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Rock the boat

There was a lot of things I didn’t get to comment on last week, while I was out working on a comparative analysis of various different kinds of strip clubs, and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot interesting going on today, so I figured what the fuck. Let’s take a look at the fact that Timbaland supposedly tried to kill himself.

I saw that shit trending on Twitter one day last week, right when I was about to go and find out whether or not truffle fries were worth MIA’s “brand.” (I don’t get the fascination, but then again I grew up on McDonalds).. For a minute there, I thought he’d actually taken the easy way out. But once I realized that what he did hardly qualified as an attempt, I was like, fuck that shit.

All he did was take off for a ride in his not particularly new Escalade (weak) and not answer a few phone calls. Maybe he went to a Borders, bought a few early ’80s-era AOR albums from the bargain bin, and rode around aimlessly listening to them for like four hours, like I used to do back when I was in high school. It’s not as bad of a time as it sounds. As Brian Adams might put it, those were the best days of my life, with the caveat that there were very few good days overall.

I wonder how his mother in law even decided that he may have been contemplating suicide. Did he storm out of the front door shouting, “Fuck this shit, I’m about to go kill myself?” I could see how she may have taken that as a clue. Otherwise, he may have just been trying to get some time to himself. I wouldn’t even feel right fapping, knowing my mother in law was in the same building, even if it were a particularly large building. Why was she even there. If she were really concerned with his mental health, she would try to have as little contact with him as possible.

It could be that he has kids, and he doesn’t have time to take care of them himself, while he’s in the studio doing funny dances and gorging himself on orange juice, and his wife is probably out doing drugs and plotting on ways to steal his money, like Sharon Stone in Casino. (I can’t believe T.I. actually got married). You’ll recall that that was the reason given for Obama’s mother in law living in the White House, even though I heard she spends every night of the week out at the club. You could probably find a picture of her on

Pro tip, for black people who have the means but not necessarily the time to take care of their kids, because I understand that we might not realize as a culture that there’s options other than having your senile, older relatives move in with you, as if this were India: White people just hire hispanic people to take care of their kids. I’m sure it’s a much better option, because white people generally make better decisions than black people. It seems like it would be anyway: not only do you not have to worry about any family secrets that might emerge once Alzheimer’s makes your grandma glib, but hispanic people excel at cleaning shit. (Hey, it’s true). You could kill two birds with one stone.

But I digress.

While TMZ suggested that TImbaland was distraught that one of his watches had been stolen, probably by his mother in law, a few people I follow on Twitter seemed convinced that it had to do with the anniversary of Aaliyah’s death, back when I was a junior in college, which people still commemorate, as if she were a serious musician. It may have been the exact same day, though it’s impossible to say without looking it up. Of course they criticized TMZ for failing to draw this connection. You know how random-ass people on Twitter think they know better than people who work for actual media organization. It’s like these clowns in the comments section here constantly critiquing my writing, pointing out typos and shit, as if I spell check this shit before I post it. Years ago, before there was a such thing as a XXL website, the late, great kris ex told me he never spell checks anything he writes for XXL – they have someone whose job it is to do that. I’d try to get them to spell check my shit, but I’m not sure if they’d get a lot of the references.

I hope they take that in the spirit in which it was intended, i.e. pure explanation.

Anyway, I could see how Aaliyah’s death may have played a role in Timbaland wanting to kill himself. You would want to kill yourself too, if you used to work with a smoking hot, barely legal girl, and you thought there may have been a chance of the two of you getting it on, because she’d been known to get it on with people she worked with (I’m just saying), and she’d hardly have a career, if it weren’t for you, and then she just up and died, before you had a chance at it. As guys, we all have that list of girls we wanted to bang, back in the day, but we never did. They often serve as our go-to, when we have to rub one out, in order to brace ourselves for a stressful event, like going to work, and we don’t have several hours to dig through the veritable wonderland that is Tumblr. Imagine if you actually had a chance to bang them, but then they died in a tragic plane crash. I’m sure it would be devastating.

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