Rock the boat

There was a lot of things I didn’t get to comment on last week, while I was out working on a comparative analysis of various different kinds of strip clubs, and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot interesting going on today, so I figured what the fuck. Let’s take a look at the fact that Timbaland supposedly tried to kill himself.

I saw that shit trending on Twitter one day last week, right when I was about to go and find out whether or not truffle fries were worth MIA’s “brand.” (I don’t get the fascination, but then again I grew up on McDonalds).. For a minute there, I thought he’d actually taken the easy way out. But once I realized that what he did hardly qualified as an attempt, I was like, fuck that shit.

All he did was take off for a ride in his not particularly new Escalade (weak) and not answer a few phone calls. Maybe he went to a Borders, bought a few early ’80s-era AOR albums from the bargain bin, and rode around aimlessly listening to them for like four hours, like I used to do back when I was in high school. It’s not as bad of a time as it sounds. As Brian Adams might put it, those were the best days of my life, with the caveat that there were very few good days overall.

I wonder how his mother in law even decided that he may have been contemplating suicide. Did he storm out of the front door shouting, “Fuck this shit, I’m about to go kill myself?” I could see how she may have taken that as a clue. Otherwise, he may have just been trying to get some time to himself. I wouldn’t even feel right fapping, knowing my mother in law was in the same building, even if it were a particularly large building. Why was she even there. If she were really concerned with his mental health, she would try to have as little contact with him as possible.

It could be that he has kids, and he doesn’t have time to take care of them himself, while he’s in the studio doing funny dances and gorging himself on orange juice, and his wife is probably out doing drugs and plotting on ways to steal his money, like Sharon Stone in Casino. (I can’t believe T.I. actually got married). You’ll recall that that was the reason given for Obama’s mother in law living in the White House, even though I heard she spends every night of the week out at the club. You could probably find a picture of her on

Pro tip, for black people who have the means but not necessarily the time to take care of their kids, because I understand that we might not realize as a culture that there’s options other than having your senile, older relatives move in with you, as if this were India: White people just hire hispanic people to take care of their kids. I’m sure it’s a much better option, because white people generally make better decisions than black people. It seems like it would be anyway: not only do you not have to worry about any family secrets that might emerge once Alzheimer’s makes your grandma glib, but hispanic people excel at cleaning shit. (Hey, it’s true). You could kill two birds with one stone.

But I digress.

While TMZ suggested that TImbaland was distraught that one of his watches had been stolen, probably by his mother in law, a few people I follow on Twitter seemed convinced that it had to do with the anniversary of Aaliyah’s death, back when I was a junior in college, which people still commemorate, as if she were a serious musician. It may have been the exact same day, though it’s impossible to say without looking it up. Of course they criticized TMZ for failing to draw this connection. You know how random-ass people on Twitter think they know better than people who work for actual media organization. It’s like these clowns in the comments section here constantly critiquing my writing, pointing out typos and shit, as if I spell check this shit before I post it. Years ago, before there was a such thing as a XXL website, the late, great kris ex told me he never spell checks anything he writes for XXL – they have someone whose job it is to do that. I’d try to get them to spell check my shit, but I’m not sure if they’d get a lot of the references.

I hope they take that in the spirit in which it was intended, i.e. pure explanation.

Anyway, I could see how Aaliyah’s death may have played a role in Timbaland wanting to kill himself. You would want to kill yourself too, if you used to work with a smoking hot, barely legal girl, and you thought there may have been a chance of the two of you getting it on, because she’d been known to get it on with people she worked with (I’m just saying), and she’d hardly have a career, if it weren’t for you, and then she just up and died, before you had a chance at it. As guys, we all have that list of girls we wanted to bang, back in the day, but we never did. They often serve as our go-to, when we have to rub one out, in order to brace ourselves for a stressful event, like going to work, and we don’t have several hours to dig through the veritable wonderland that is Tumblr. Imagine if you actually had a chance to bang them, but then they died in a tragic plane crash. I’m sure it would be devastating.

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  • sealsaa

    “the anniversary of Aaliyah’s death, back when I was a junior in college, which people still commemorate, as if she were a serious musician.”

    ^^Someone had to say it.

  • c.P

    That was foul……u suck

  • Simple like ABC, 123

    “It’s like these clowns in the comments section here constantly critiquing my writing,…”



    & yes Lil’ Wayne (auto-tune) >>>>> Aaliyah

  • Tyler

    Bol, didn’t U hear the audio of Tim’s Mother-in-law snitching 2 the cops on Tim? Do your homework once in awhile homie. U said it was a slow day.

    He was trying 2 kill himself, in a very bitch like way but still he was trying 2 cause U can hear the guy in the background of the Audio feeding all the information 2 the Mother-in-law. She tried 2 put Tim’s wife on the phone but she wouldn’t get on, hmmm, wonder why? Maybe she didn’t want the cops 2 save Tim’s phoney miserable ass. But yea’ they thought he was trying 2 kill himself cause he told them as much, Duhhh. He texted them that he was going 2 kill himself & the guy in the background i.e. the Brother-in-Law was talking 2 Tim on the phone which is how they knew where he was. Again, Duhhh. But Tim is such a snakeass crab bitch nigga that he didn’t even have the balls 2 murk himself. Had nothing 2 do with Aaliyah, God rest her beautiful pee stained soul. Tim didn’t give 2 shit about that chick other than the fact she had millions of fans already when he started working with her. He wasn’t checking 4 that chick when I locked down the project 4 him as his manager at the time. Ohhh shit! Did I just say that I am the 1 that put Tim on? Interesting.

    I was in the studio with that prick at the time they worked together. He was a suck up & if U were Aaliyah would U have been trying 2 fuck Tim’s fat ass? Hey Tim, be a real man & finish what U started U backstabbing cuntface faggot! Go ahead & Murk yourself & I will give your family your watch back 4 them 2 bury U wit it & a KFC bucket.

    • that nigga

      Ohh shit!!!!!!! Tyler, tell em why you mad, son!!

  • Don mcCaine

    “because white people generally make better decisions than black people.”

    ^ wow

    No condom either…

  • white jesus


  • Phillmatic

    Last paragraph is a classic.

  • Sha

    Co-sign Don mcCaine…..

    Damn Bol…. Talk about self-hate.



    XXL please fire this idiot!

  • bolisaselfhater

    wow man you went from writing really funny shit about diff. races to being a straight up self hater. Wtf man.XXL fire this bastard foreal

  • harmen

    wow lol bol is becoming more and more like rozay
    “i’m that fat mothafucka, young entrepreneur…most controversial and the mothafuckin truest” hahahahah thats some funny shit it feels like after sitting in strib clubs watching 70% black chicks u’ve been hating even harder on niggas cus ur desensitized ha still entertaining post good job b its proper

    …and tyler STFU ahaha u lying bitch
    btw nicki minaj ruined that monster track with ye’ *ducks for cover*

  • dee

    Hahahaha…I had to look up the whole truffle fry incedent & ymic.som. Hilarious post.

  • dee

    * incident
    No homo,no spellcheck.

  • thisdudeShaisabitch

    Da fuck you gun do about it nyegguhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  • Otto

    btw nicki minaj ruined that monster track with ye’ [2]

    TBH, I thought Timbaland died in 2000 or some shit? o_O

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