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Put down the candy and let the little boy go

Who else was disappointed to realize that Kanye West’s remix of Justin Bieber’s “Runaway Love,” featuring Raekwon, almost certainly didn’t involve Justin Bieber going into the studio with the two rappers, getting a contact high from Raekwon’s PCP-laced blunt, if not a full-on drag, and talking about women with especially large cans with Kanye West?

They could have shared some stories about Kim Kardashian. Bieber could have asked Kanye if he hit that (yet), and Kanye could have asked Bieber if he at least motorboated her. If not, Kanye could have given him some advice on how to turn that dream into reality – the same advice I was trying to give him on Twitter the other day.

Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian have been spotted in public together on a number of occasions. It’s obvious the only reason she hangs around him is for the free publicity. I’m sure it’s cool with him, regardless of the reason why she comes around, because who would complain about any attention at all from a woman built like a Sherman tank, let alone one who’s been known to get around. Those are pretty much the two main things I look for in a woman. But what does Bieber really get from this arrangement, if an actual boink is probably out of the question? (I read somewhere the other day where she said that she definitely would date him, if he were 18. Which I took to mean that she’s got a lot out of hanging around him, it’s too bad she can’t actually fuck him, legally).

I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard that Kim Kardashian makes as much as $40 million a year, just from going around and letting people take pictures of her huge ass. Or is that how much she’s made overall? Either way, it’s not like she actually did anything, other than keep her name in the papers. Hence pretending to be friends with Justin Bieber. If I were him, I’d demand to shove my head between her huge cans and oscillate my head back and forth until I had a mild concussion, or else she can find someone else as popular as he is at this point to pretend to be friends with. (Good luck). I’m surprised he hasn’t already thought of that himself. He’s 16 years old, not 9. I thought teenage boys were supposed to be obsessed with cans? His management might be putting something in his water supply, to keep him from accidentally raping one of his fans. I know if girls were sweating me like that when I was that age, there probably would have been “an incident.”

I thought Justin Bieber and Kanye were cool, because I saw on Twitter where Bieber mentioned on Twitter that he was born in 1994, and Kanye replied that he started banging chicks in 1994, and so of course I joked that Kanye might be Justin Bieber’s father. But come to think of it, I don’t know if Justin Bieber has ever @replied to Kanye. You can send an @reply to anyone with a public profile on Twitter, provided they haven’t blocked you. I take advantage of this of this capability all the time to share my thoughts with celebrities (for example, Bieber and I have “discussed” a number of things) and my favorite pr0n chicks. That doesn’t mean Justin Bieber actually is cool with Kanye. Justin Bieber is the only person Kanye follows on Twitter, but before that he was following some other random young white dude (hmm…), who had to tell Kanye to fuck off.

As is the case with Kim Kardashian, it’s obvious that Kanye is only interested in Justin Bieber due to his ridonkulous popularity. Bieber is fucking huge on Twitter, in particular. Pretty much the only time there isn’t a Bieber-related trending topic is at night, when white people go to sleep, because they have to go to work or school in the morning, or if something genuinely important happened. We’ve discussed here before how desperate Kanye is to get his career back in order, post-the scene he caused at last year’s VMAs, and post-running out of good ideas circa ’07. It used to be he would go on his website, in ALL CAPS, to explain how he was too good for Twitter – now he’s all over it. He’s even got a program where he’s leaking a new song to the Internets every Friday until the end of the year. Before our eyes, Kanye is gradually morphing into one of these bums who records his own, worse version of every popular new song and emails it to one of the Canadian kids who update Nah Right these days.

If I were Bieber, I’d seriously consider having the TIs put the kibosh on this remix. Not that any of his other songs are any good, but this remix fucking sucks balls, even though it’s based on the almighty “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nothing to Fuck With.” And what does Justin Bieber even need with Kanye. Justin Bieber has just shy of five million followers on Twitter. Kanye hasn’t even hit a million yet, and he’s been on there for like a month. I’m pretty sure that fake Kanye Twitter, from back when he ruined Bonaroo, had more than a million followers. Kanye just isn’t worth a shit anymore. At least Bieber can awkwardly glance at Kim Kardashian”s cleavage every 30 seconds or so, like I would. I don’t think Kanye really knows that chick from the UK with the watermelon-sized juggs. It seems like we would have seen more of her by now. Kanye’s been keeping a high profile lately. He has to, if he’s gonna sell any records.

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