If Wyclef Jean were president

The best/worst thing about Wyclef Jean running for president of Haiti is that he could actually win.

I mean, it’d be one thing if this was just some shit he was doing to keep his name hot in the streets between albums, like that time when Gary Coleman, pr0n star Mary Carey and Arnold Schwarzenegger ran for governor of California. There must have been some rule that anyone and everyone who wanted to run that year could get their name on the ballot, because it was a special recall election. If I lived in California, I might have run myself. Gary Coleman only got 10,000 votes or some shit, and he came in like fifth. With my Internets fame, it’s possible that I could have finished in the top 10 and forced a special runoff election, Jello Biafra-style. I’d have to check the actual rules. I’d pull some shit like that here in St. Louis, but there’s the possibility I might actually win. Then I’d have to show up to work every day (if that’s required of elected officials) and pretend to give a shit.

Arnold Schwarzenegger actually won that election, but, as is the case with most elections, it probably mostly had to do with race. At least a couple of front runners in that race were hispanic. I know the late, great Peter Camejo was running as the Green Party candidate, and I believe the main Democratic candidate may have been hispanic as well. If either of them won, they may have opened the border up. Fortunately, California as a state is still non-hispanic enough to protect it from such a fate. (Not that there’s anything wrong with hispanic people. It’s just, they’ve got their own country.) Hispanics in Los Angeles have won the Jim Morrison-style battle of demographics, and hence its mayor is this fake hispanic guy (a sort of Mexican Rick Ross) who’s so dumb he took the bar exam and failed it like five times, even though I’m pretty sure he’s native English speaker, and it might be multiple choice, so if you already failed it four times, the answer should be obvious, via the process of elimination. You probably shouldn’t be allowed to take it that many times.

I know all of this not because I give a shit what goes on out in California because I heard about it on the Adam Carolla Show, which is what I do while the rest of you fruits finish up at your jobs that pay enough that it’s not all but guaranteed that something very bad is going to happen to you, it’s just a matter of what. It’ll be interesting to hear what he has to say about Wyclef Jean running for president of Haiti. You might recall that he got into a bit of trouble earlier this year for talking shit about the Philippines, where the boxer Manny Pacquiao is either running for office, or might actually be some sort of elected official. This despite the fact that he’s a motherfucking prize fighter, beating up Mexicans over here in the US, and my father says he might be on steroids, which would make him a cheater, which is no kind of behavior for an elected official. Filipino people were pissed. Way more pissed than I’d be, if someone from Canada tried to get on me for Arnold Schwarzenegger being the governor of California. (Though I’d take some time to explain to him the unique racial dynamic in that election.) I’m not sure how you’d go about measuring this, but Filipinos might be the most proud people in the world, despite themselves. With all due respect to Puerto Ricans.

Running for president of an entire country is obviously a much more significant feat than running for congress or some shit in the Philippines. Congress isn’t even that big a deal here in the US, where we have decent building codes. It’s not like you have to govern anything. You just have to win an election. Then you could stay in office for like 50 years, as long as you don’t get caught fucking another guy. A couple of people from ’90s-era seasons of the Real World are running in elections this fall. (Alas, Syrus from the Boston season isn’t one of them.) But Haiti is a much more fucked up country than the Philippines. Lest we forget, Filipinos are part-Asian. It’s not like they don’t have the mental capacity. And the coastline of the Philippines is filled with ports, where sailors have sex with local prostitutes, which I’m sure contributes a lot to the economy. Haiti is surrounded by water on three sides, but who wants to have sex with a Haitian woman? Especially with the Dominican Republic so close by. The only Haitian woman who interests me is the chick from the Arcade Fire, and she’s already married to Win Butler. Any suggestion that the Haitian people would definitely know better than to elect Wyclef Jean president is rendered moot by the fact that 300,000 of them died in an earthquake that may not have awoken me, if it happened before 10:00 a.m., especially if I’d been drinking the night before. Clearly, there’s been an ability deficit in crucial leadership positions in Haiti before, and there might be again.

  • fastflipper

    1 word

    classic

  • Ay 2 Z

    Anybody remember that song wyclef sang on chapelles show?
    “if i were president, I’d be elected on friday, sell out on saturday, assinated on sunday LOL

  • Fl@8ushHaitian

    Hey @sshole, Ya pops should a had sex with a Haitian woman, than ya dumbass wldn’t've been Born!!!! @ fastflipper, what’s so “classic” about this bs?

  • http://yclephswebsight.com Wyclef Jean

    Why you gah be hyettin on meh na? Myeh nyem Wyclef Jean un me wahn beh yare new pres ya hear meh na?

  • OJ DA JUICE MAN

    It’s young Juice!
    Been sellin’ babies!
    Cop a couple chickens!
    Turn ‘em into pastry!
    Aye!
    Aye!
    Aye!
    Okay!
    Aye!
    Aye!
    Aye!
    Okay!
    Polar bear on my right wrist!
    Penguin on my left!
    The North Pole up on my neck!
    Motherfuck Wyclef!
    Aye!

    • lauren hill

      dont talk about my baby like that
      now wheres my crackpipe at
      killin me softlyyyyyyyy
      with his rockssssss
      smokin my whole liiiiife
      ~_^

      • OJ DA JUICE MAN

        Lookin’ at this hoe here!
        ‘Bout to get slapped up!
        Foot off in yo ass, hoe!
        Nothin’ but a damn slut!
        Aye!
        Aye!
        Aye!
        Okay!
        Aye!
        Aye!
        Aye!
        Okay!
        Lauren you done fell off!
        Ugly as some dog shit!
        Crazy out yo fuckin’ mind!
        Get up on some meds, bitch!
        Aye!

  • ri067953

    hahahaha, Syrus…I saw that dude out at Venice Beach sharing a salad and drinking water with some hippie chick.

    Something tells me his stint on the Real World didn’t translate into him making any money.

  • Da Real Grizz

    Lol@ Villaragoisa failing a multiple choice test 5 times.

  • cmoney91

    good post Bol

  • sharq

    bol, when are you gonna be on the ace mans show? you gotta be higher profile than some of the guests he gets.

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  • screagle

    “The only Haitian woman who interests me is the chick from the Arcade Fire”
    what about Garcelle Beauvais?

    • jeff

      Yeah…Garcelle Beauvais is dope on all levels.

      • DV8

        didnt know she was haitian…..definetly a 10

  • http://alexandrocolorado.com JZA

    What you dont understand is that the current president was put by Clinton after the Rice pressure put by Bush senior in the 90′s. After the coop that happened. You have to wonder yourself, if there was a coop and an overthrown how prepare is the next president of that country.

    Comparing an enterntainer to a Guerrilla general, is interesting, however if I was rulled by someone, I would go with the entertainer.

    Remember Ronald Reygan was an entertainer as well.

    • http://www.bboycult.com $yk

      After the coopCOUP

      ^ fixed

      and c/s Zulu

      And as for ‘Clef, IDK homie. Hope he knows what he’s getting into. Will he be for Haiti, or will he be another American liaison…

  • Zulu1925

    @ JZA

    Ronald Reagan was involved in labor unions and politics for almost 40 years before he became President of the United States. Don’t let folks fool you into thinking that he walked off a movie set and into the White House.

  • caino

    Hopefully is he gets elected he rules for the people, hopefully he realises he has enough money himself and wont become corrupt like most politicians and he fights for his peoples rights…..but who knows.

    Absolute power corrupts..absolutely!!!

  • ChinCheka

    Just look at his corrupt a$$ charity. How can him being president of Haiti be a good thing? I hate to break it to yous but nothing good is going to happen from this. Haiti is still going to be poor as F— the Hatian goverment is going to be corrupt at F– and Wyclef is still going to be rich or at least richer than me or anyone in Haiti. There is noting good for Haiti from this deal but at least its better than what they have now.

  • Vee

    Stopped reading after “Internets fame”. I could be damned, you learn something new everyday, internets????

  • Anonymous

    “Hispanics in Los Angeles have won the Jim Morrison-style battle of demographics, and hence its mayor is this fake hispanic guy (a sort of Mexican Rick Ross) who’s so dumb he took the bar exam and failed it like five times, even though I’m pretty sure he’s native English speaker, and it might be multiple choice, so if you already failed it four times, the answer should be obvious, via the process of elimination.”
    Probably the best sentence I’ve ever read on the Internet.

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  • geico lizard

    “If either of them won, they may have opened the border up. Fortunately, California as a state is still non-hispanic enough to protect it from such a fate. (Not that there’s anything wrong with hispanic people. It’s just, they’ve got their own country.)”

    ^^^^
    Cali is full of more mexicans than any other race but they arent legal so they cant vote. I knew the mayor of LA was a lame when he got on that giant skateboard with Rob Dyrdek on MTV.

    Manny Pacquiao is on steroids thats why Floyd Mayweather is afraid to fight him. You dont want your first career loss to be to a roid rage guy.

    I dont know what to say about the haitian women and Aids. Those stats for Jamaica and Haiti could be made up like they make up the Hiv Aids stats for blacks in this country. I wont fuck any island women just in case. Garcelle Beauvuis from the jamie foxx show is haitian and her white husband is about to stick her for child support and alimony even though he is the one who was busted cheating so maybe you are right about the intelligence levels of haitian women. She made a big speech before the marriage about how she was with a white guy now and her life would be so perfect, so everybody saw her having to eat those words in the future.

    • geico lizard

      Most of the people in america with aids hiv got it through drug needles and the direct blood contact when you share them and not through sex.

  • Anonymous

    bryon from the bottom of my heart go kill yourself

    • BoI

      From the bottom of my balls, lick up this sweat you bum ass nigga.

  • dizzy

    Prolly would be a better bet for ‘Clef to back a candidate in the election as opposed to running himself. That way he could play the role of Geppetto instead of Pinocchio…

  • clef runnin game on haiti

    fuck clef, he’s running for prez, and his own damn uncle raymond joseph is running too.

    this is like bush kerry skull n bone azz running for prez

  • Man, fuck everybody..

    Matter of fact, fuck you!

  • Benzino

    B
    Double
    O
    Double
    T
    Double
    E
    NIGGA!