King of the beach

“If christina milian, halle berry etc are getting cheated on, there’s no hope for the rest of us” — Julia Beverly, who might be selling herself short

You know I don’t do this, but… props to The-Dream for not letting his unfortunate physique stand in the way of his ability to frolic on the beach with what looks like either a very light skinted black chick, or a white chick with a surprisingly decent ass, the fact that she’s carrying a little superfluous body weight herself notwithstanding.

He truly is an inspiration to a brother such as myself.

Now, if only I could talk Julia Beverly into taking an island vacation which she would of course have to pay for with the million dollars a year she makes from Ozone magazine lol jk.

This morning, paparazzi photos surfaced of The-Dream on a beach somewhere with his “personal assistant” Melissa Santiago. In one of the pictures, he’s got his hands all over her comfy-looking mudflaps, just like mine would be, if I were The-Dream. She seems altogether unconcerned with the fact that he looks older than a motherfucker (not to mention kinda retarded in the face), despite the fact that, according to the world’s most accurate encyclopedia, he’s a few months younger than I am.

It’s no wonder this guy’s new album only sold 60,000 copies its first week out, even though he’s supposedly the genius behind Rihanna’s ur-popular “Umb-a-rellla,” and a number of other R&B songs I could give a rat’s ass about. What does he do in his videos? Sit behind a piano with a leather coat on, like D’Angelo before he went on the most effective diet known to man, i.e. crack? I remember a while back he was complaining about how he was gonna stop putting out albums, because people don’t appreciate him as an artist. I’d say that’s probably for the best.

The bored hoodrat blogosphere seems to think these photos were staged, and I’m tempted to believe that’s true, if only because I know they spend a lot of time sitting around looking at pictures of celebrities. (True, I spend a lot of time sitting around looking at pictures of women myself, but a lot of the women featured on my world renown Tumblr aren’t famous, though they should be.) There isn’t anything about the pictures to suggest that The-Dream and his “personal assistant” were caught off guard, like if there had been a picture of The-Dream “checking the oil,” so to speak.

Let me guess – the whole purpose of this photoshoot was to get The-Dream’s career back in order by making him the talk of Black People Twitter, which he currently is. Unemployed black women the world over and also my fantasy girlfriend Julia Beverly are pissed, because The-Dream recently married and had a kid with obscure early to mid ’00s-era R&B singer Christina Milian, and now here he is off on the beach somewhere with his personal assistant. The fact that his jumpoff is a glorified maid or some such is key, as if it matters if she has anything worthwhile to contribute to society, when I’m sure the two of them could live forever off the proceeds from “Umb-a-rella.” I know the fact that Elin Nordegren was Tiger Woods’ nanny was one of the main talking points in Calypso Louis Farrakhan’s epic speech about who really runs the entertainment industry.

Untalented women >

This may have even been planned, back when The-Dream married Christina Milian. Think about it. If you wrote songs on half the R&B albums to come out the past few years, what would you need with Christina Milian? Even if the goal was to marry an R&B chick, you’d get someone who isn’t kicking down 30′s door. Who knows what shape her vagina was in, by the time it belonged to The-Dream? I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it’s a real concern. Once a woman gets to a certain age, sex can be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Maybe he wanted to have a kid, and he figured if he got one of these R&B chicks, he wouldn’t have to spend a shedload of money just so the poor bastard could live in a decent neighborhood. You don’t want to end up like ODB, whose widow recently sold the rights to his last album for $10,000, which she’s already spent, presumably on hair weave and crack.

Then his album came out and no one gave a shit, and he figured now was as good a time as any to pull the plug. As far fetched as it sounds, I wouldn’t put it past him. Portly gentlemen such as myself and The-Dream put a lot of thought into  what you might call relationship strategy. We have to.

  • gaddic

    You can blog

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I’m glad you understand why this makes me special.

  • Cali Sun

    Dream is the spitting image (nullus) of King Hippo.

  • Sha

    I personally think The Dream was thinking with the wrong head… I always wondered…. Why did he marry Christina?

    But I figured it out…..

    FLAME THROWER 5.0…..

    The Dream suffers from what most typical R&B and Rap superstars suffer from. It’s called…..

    “I was ugly as fuck in high school and now that I have money I will finally use my pay to fuck above my grade.”

    Sounds like a mouthfull (No homo)…. But it’s the truth.

    Most of these cats realize that the majority of women fuck for money. And they capitalize on it.

    Yeah…. There are women that will say,

    “I don’t fuck for money.”

    Well shorty…. you are part of the small percentage.

    These were straight shitted on in high school. And if they didn’t have loot, they would still be getting shitted on. Money is power. Christina may be a decent chick. But she thought she was fucking ABOVE her pay-grade and ended up fucking WELL BELOW what she may or may not be worth.

    The Dream… Kanye West…. Three Six Mafia…. Rick Ross….. Jay-Z….. Fat Joe…. 50 Cent….. Eminem….

    Trust me… They all got shitted on in high school.

    Wake up people… Money rules the world…. And your bitch… and your chick…. and your respectable woman… and your Queen……

    Dolla Dolla Bill Yall.

    • SCARTOWN

      Truer words were never spoken!!!!!!!!!!

  • Escobar9300

    Normally I cant help but let out a drawn out sigh when Sha posts a long ass comment, but that one was on point. Props.

  • fastflipper

    a lot of the industry already bang her

    so i never saw the point of getting it on with millian

    is was a biiiig fail

    now she gonna ”kelis” his ass

  • http://j-mace.deviantart.com Shawty J

    Bol, what’s up? It seems your blogs have been getting more and more pointless. You made no actual point in this one though it was worth reading for the following: “Who knows what shape her vagina was in, by the time it belonged to The-Dream? I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it’s a real concern. Once a woman gets to a certain age, sex can be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

  • Byron Crawford is a dumb nigga

    Byron, “Bol” of shit, Crawford is a dumb nigga who has nothing better to do with his time than write about other people’s lives and eat his way to a potential heart attack. I’m not even gonna comment on this worthless piece of shit post because I don’t care. I just saw your video interview from a few years back and I gotta tell you that you sound like such a pussy. I bet you’re one of these loser niggas that talk shit but can’t back it up; all bark, no bite nigga. I’m surprised you’re ass hasn’t been shot or shot at yet. I’m surprised that you haven’t been knocked the fuck out yet. One of these days, you’re words are gonna comeback to haunt your little bitch ass and I’m gonna laugh my ass off when it actually happens.

    Nigga, you like brag about getting a degree from a school no one outside the state of Missouri’s ever heard of before, Truman State University, and yet, what have you done? All your lazy ass does is collect unemployment checks and revenue from ad space on your site. You’re a loser, for real. Don’t even get me started on the fat jokes, that shit’s too easy and beneath me. But, without question, the saddest part about all this is that you’re a self-hating negro. You’re like Bernie Mac’s character from Don’t Be A Menace (a.k.a. Mr. I Hate My Black Gums). Look nigga, I know you want to be white, but that shit’s never gonna happen. You’re never gonna have what I have, so just deal with it nigga.

    You write about other people because you’re jealous. You’re never gonna be multi-millionaire. You’re not smart enough to do anything outside of what you’re doing now and you’re pretty mediocre at that. You are a dumb nigga, remedial at best. You hate on the honeys because you can never get with any of them. You’re poor ass can’t buy a dime piece, you have to settle for a penny piece and you can barely afford that. I bet the only time I’ll ever see your faggot ass on TV will be on the news, dead in a drive by caused by some nigga you crossed. It’ll be fitting to say the least.

    Bye Byron (a.k.a. that twinkie-eating dumb nigga)

    • Cam’ron

      U mad.

      • Byron Crawford is a dumb nigga

        I’m as happy as can be player.

    • Selfish Gene

      Oi Dream, don’t let Bol get you mad.

      Roffle

  • ff1one@yahoo.com

    This was one of your best blogs. It was perfect timing and ur wit and humor came thru on this one.

    I agre with SHA, most ballers/hip hop/r&b stars were lame and are just getting hot or famous and it goes to their head.

    If u were really getting a$$ from back in the day, you know how to carry yourself.

    I can bet the dream was in the band and not a cool kid in band but prob a clarinet playa or punk drum major. Its sad cause the dream is talented. his last two albums were terrible. You can tell he let women over power his creative niche.

  • Pingback: Experience Nature During Leisure at RV Resorts « BeachOwl

  • Pingback: Russian pianist held in Thailand for child abuse | I Love Thailand

  • Pingback: IWC Corporate Movie Factory Manufacture Video – King Jewelers YouTube.com

  • Pingback: REBECCA JEWELERY AD CAMPAIGN 2009, Hot New video – King Jewelers YouTube.com

  • DV8

    “Once a woman gets to a certain age, sex can be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

    Funny line…..but age has nothing to do with it. Its more so about the times used (catch my drift) Ive banged women older then me and it was better then women my age.

    • SCARTOWN

      I’ve been with women 10 years older and younger than me (I’m 29),and the older ones r always better!

  • DV8

    Oh Yeah King of the Beach used to be the shit on Nintendo back in the day

  • Pingback: Beach – Ko Phi Phi Leh | I Love Thailand

  • Pingback: Chevy Cars New & Used RK Chevy, Virginia BeachShop Pay & Go! | Shop Pay & Go!

  • Cal

    “he’s got his hands all over her comfy-looking mudflaps, just like mine would be, if I were The-Dream”

    Black Jesus couldn’t have said it better.

  • D-Rock

    “Even if the goal was to marry an R&B chick, you’d get someone who isn’t kicking down 30’s door. Who knows what shape her vagina was in, by the time it belonged to The-Dream? I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it’s a real concern. Once a woman gets to a certain age, sex can be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”

    Nigga please. That is complete bullshit. Some of the best pussy I’ve ever had I’ve gotten from women in their 30′s. Women don’t even grow up and grow into their sexuality in a way that makes for real, REAL good fucking until they hit 30 (young chicks are annoying as shit really). And, if a woman in her 30′s stops having sex for however many months, then her vag will close back up just like a woman in her 20′s (bet you didn’t even know that BOL). So what the hell are you talking about?

  • Pingback: Phuket Beaches | I Love Thailand

  • Pingback: Red Beach Bar | I Love Thailand

  • Pingback: Beach Server | girls dress up games

  • eSco

    good blog Bol. keep it up.

  • Pingback: Rap Round Table, Week Ending 7/16/2010

  • Pingback: Spalding 72-083 Official Volleyball of King of the Beach and USA Beach Tour | Toy Reviews Online