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King of the beach

“If christina milian, halle berry etc are getting cheated on, there’s no hope for the rest of us” — Julia Beverly, who might be selling herself short

You know I don’t do this, but… props to The-Dream for not letting his unfortunate physique stand in the way of his ability to frolic on the beach with what looks like either a very light skinted black chick, or a white chick with a surprisingly decent ass, the fact that she’s carrying a little superfluous body weight herself notwithstanding.

He truly is an inspiration to a brother such as myself.

Now, if only I could talk Julia Beverly into taking an island vacation which she would of course have to pay for with the million dollars a year she makes from Ozone magazine lol jk.

This morning, paparazzi photos surfaced of The-Dream on a beach somewhere with his “personal assistant” Melissa Santiago. In one of the pictures, he’s got his hands all over her comfy-looking mudflaps, just like mine would be, if I were The-Dream. She seems altogether unconcerned with the fact that he looks older than a motherfucker (not to mention kinda retarded in the face), despite the fact that, according to the world’s most accurate encyclopedia, he’s a few months younger than I am.

It’s no wonder this guy’s new album only sold 60,000 copies its first week out, even though he’s supposedly the genius behind Rihanna’s ur-popular “Umb-a-rellla,” and a number of other R&B songs I could give a rat’s ass about. What does he do in his videos? Sit behind a piano with a leather coat on, like D’Angelo before he went on the most effective diet known to man, i.e. crack? I remember a while back he was complaining about how he was gonna stop putting out albums, because people don’t appreciate him as an artist. I’d say that’s probably for the best.

The bored hoodrat blogosphere seems to think these photos were staged, and I’m tempted to believe that’s true, if only because I know they spend a lot of time sitting around looking at pictures of celebrities. (True, I spend a lot of time sitting around looking at pictures of women myself, but a lot of the women featured on my world renown Tumblr aren’t famous, though they should be.) There isn’t anything about the pictures to suggest that The-Dream and his “personal assistant” were caught off guard, like if there had been a picture of The-Dream “checking the oil,” so to speak.

Let me guess – the whole purpose of this photoshoot was to get The-Dream’s career back in order by making him the talk of Black People Twitter, which he currently is. Unemployed black women the world over and also my fantasy girlfriend Julia Beverly are pissed, because The-Dream recently married and had a kid with obscure early to mid ’00s-era R&B singer Christina Milian, and now here he is off on the beach somewhere with his personal assistant. The fact that his jumpoff is a glorified maid or some such is key, as if it matters if she has anything worthwhile to contribute to society, when I’m sure the two of them could live forever off the proceeds from “Umb-a-rella.” I know the fact that Elin Nordegren was Tiger Woods’ nanny was one of the main talking points in Calypso Louis Farrakhan’s epic speech about who really runs the entertainment industry.

Untalented women >

This may have even been planned, back when The-Dream married Christina Milian. Think about it. If you wrote songs on half the R&B albums to come out the past few years, what would you need with Christina Milian? Even if the goal was to marry an R&B chick, you’d get someone who isn’t kicking down 30′s door. Who knows what shape her vagina was in, by the time it belonged to The-Dream? I know, that’s an awful thing to say, but it’s a real concern. Once a woman gets to a certain age, sex can be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Maybe he wanted to have a kid, and he figured if he got one of these R&B chicks, he wouldn’t have to spend a shedload of money just so the poor bastard could live in a decent neighborhood. You don’t want to end up like ODB, whose widow recently sold the rights to his last album for $10,000, which she’s already spent, presumably on hair weave and crack.

Then his album came out and no one gave a shit, and he figured now was as good a time as any to pull the plug. As far fetched as it sounds, I wouldn’t put it past him. Portly gentlemen such as myself and The-Dream put a lot of thought into  what you might call relationship strategy. We have to.

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