The cell phone stomp heard ’round the world
It’s always a trip to watch a teh ghey guy flip out on a woman in a way you or I could never get away with.
Over the years, I’ve worked with teh ghey guys who would just say any ol’ shit to a woman, and more or less get away with it.
Woman: Why is your work station such a mess?
Teh ghey guy: Bitch, shut the fuck up!
Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but that really is the gist of it. Teh ghey guys are afforded the privilege of interacting with women the way women interact with themselves (not to mention the rest of the world), i.e. with complete and utter disrespect. They get away with saying shit a guy wouldn’t even say to another guy, just out of respect.
As a black man of a certain size, you’re always wary about raising your voice, or appearing to be too aggressive, like you might break some shit. Even if it’s warranted. Chances are you work in a place with a lot of women and older white people. The only places where you can work side by side with a lot of black people are either places that are located in dangerous areas, or places that aren’t as good about making sure you get paid – even if they’re ultimately owned and controlled by white people, I notice. You don’t want to fuck around and scare somebody.
The president can get away with it to a certain degree, because he’s mad svelte and light skinted, and even though he’s learned to speak with a hint of a blaccent (which I suspect white people appreciate more than black people), there’s a sense that he couldn’t do any real damage. Michelle Obama probably walks all over him, in their private life. That’s why he plays so much basketball – to get that aggression out. A lot of these calls for him to appear more angry about the BP oil spill are obviously just to see what he might say, out of morbid curiosity. What difference does it make how angry he sounds? He’s not gonna take any real, meaningful steps towards weaning us off oil. That’s why the Bilderberg Group selected him.
Without knowing too much about this incident in which Kid Cudi was arrested this past weekend, I’m gonna assume it started with the kind of conversation I’d occasionally have with women, if I weren’t afraid it might land me in jail. All we know, from the various reports I read yesterday and just now, is that Kid Cudi got arrested for smashing a woman’s cell phone and trying to rip her door off its hinges, and that 5-0 found on him a glass bottle containing an unknown controlled substance. I read later, on Twitter, that the unknown controlled substance was some shit called liquid cocaine, which I’m altogether unfamiliar with, except I seem to vaguely recall that that was what John Forte got busted with, when he did like a decade behind bars for epic, Rick Ross-style drug distribution, before he being pardoned by George W. Bush, with help from Carly Simon and Orrin Hatch. Or am I just imagining that entire ordeal? Could it be that everything that’s happened since the year 2000 is just some (extremely) bad dream? Nah, right?
The fact that Kid Cudi, of all people, tried to rip a woman’s door off its hinges, Ultimate Hulk-style, and the fact that 5-0 had no idea what was in that bottle (they just knew it was drugs, presumably because it was in a black man’s pocket) have me wondering about this liquid cocaine. You guys know I don”t advocate drug use, both because technically I’m probably not supposed to and because it’s bad for you, but I might have to look into this shit. It’s already got two things over regular cocaine, in that (a) you don’t have to worry about your nose getting all fucked the fuck up, and (b) if it took 5-0 in New York a day or so to figure out what it was, that means it’s probably impossible to get arrested for it here in the Midwest. Just ditch that glass bottle and put it in a Visine bottle or some shit, and make sure you don’t have any weed on you – because who even buys Visine, except for people who smoke weed and still live at home with their parents (to the extent that those two groups don’t completely overlap)? Don’t let me find out that liquid cocaine also alleviates the concern of having to wonder if the shit you just bought even has any cocaine in it. From what I understand, it’s the shit they use to stomp that causes you to throw up like four minutes later, thus ruining your evening (not to mention your shirt) and defeating its own purpose. That’s probably what happened to Jay Reatard.
But I digress.
Smashing a woman’s cell phone doesn’t seem like the kind of thing a straight guy would do, if only because why ruin a perfectly good cell phone? It’s not like the cell phone is the one in need of an attitude adjustment. In general, I don’t think it’s in a man’s nature to lash out against someone by destroying their property. Fucking with someone’s car, trying to set someone’s house on fire (man, do I have a story about that) – that’s the kind of shit a woman does. The same thing goes with trying to rip someone’s door from its hinges. Most straight guys would probably call it an evening, once a woman is behind a door that’s locked. Even if you succeed in getting the door open (why didn’t he just use his foot? or a fire extinguisher?), it’s not like you’re going to get any (consensual) stank. And why else would a straight man be interacting with a woman in the first place, unless he just had to, for business purposes? I’m not saying a straight man can’t be friends with a woman. I’m just saying. When I think of a friend, I think of someone I can turn to when I’m in need of a favor.
Let me guess – Kid Cudi and this woman were in an argument very similar to the argument between Stephen and Irene on the Seattle season of the Real World, arguably the best Real World season of all time. Of ALL TIME. This woman was concerned about the effect liquid cocaine is having on Kid Cudi. If it caused him to try to rip a door off its hinges, who knows what else it’s done? It seems like it might be way better than regular cocaine, but like I recommend with all drugs, it’s probably best to let several white people try it first, to make sure it doesn’t eat huge, gaping holes in your brain. (The more you know…) As I’m sure is obvious to anyone who watched him read (as opposed to snort) lines on the first season of HBO’s dreadful How to Make It in America, Kid Cudi is a closet case. Liquid cocaine must be his way of dealing with the psychological turmoil of living a secret life. If only he’d reveal what everyone already knows, he could go back to weed, which just makes him boring and retarded. This woman tried to explain that to him, and his response was to stomp her cell phone, similar to how Stephen threw Irene’s teddy bear in the harbor. Then, when he saw that this had no real effect on her, he tried to slap the shit out of her, but he couldn’t, because the door was closed and locked. There’s even a parallel to that in the infamous Slap Heard ‘Round the World. I’m pretty sure Irene was already in the cab at that point, and Stephen had to open the door to slap her. Women are pretty good about hiding behind shit. It must have something to do with evolution.