It’s obvious that Beanie Sigel singled out Drake to dis on some hood DVD not just because he’s phenomenally popular - the new face of hip-hop, to hear the New York Times tell it, though Thank Me Later fell way the fuck short of its projected (by people who tend to pull things out of their asses) two million in first-week sales – but because he knew it’d be easy to get away with it. Even if Drake did try to retaliate, it’d be nothing to put him in his place, both on the mic and using his fists.
The question is not so much why Beanie Sigel threatened to smack the shit out of Drake on the new Halfway House DVD (whatever that is) as it is how he realized it was such a good idea.
Did he see how Drake let Lil Kim get away with talking mad shit about him, essentially inviting him to strike back with what could have been the cruelest dis track evar, taking her to task for her age, her numerous botched plastic surgeries, the fact that Biggie wrote the only good rhymes she ever spit, so on and so forth, and perhaps referencing her portrayal in the godawful Biggie Smalls biopic, especially those ridonkulous sex scenes? (Lil Kim wishes her cans jiggled like that. Nhjic.)
The song pretty much writes itself. If only Drake had the balls.
Or could it be that Beanie Sigel is actually aware that Drake played a character named Wheelchair Jimmy on the Nickelodeon version of Degrassi Jr. High? He can’t be on the Internets much, if he isn’t aware of that video in which he shoved his tongue down Peedi Crakk’s ear damn near far enough to taste his brain, which he must not remember, because he was so high on sizzurp and what have you (yet another reason I don’t fuck with drugs, for the most part), so he probably hasn’t seen that Drake motivational poster I made a year or so ago, or the Wheelchair Jimmy version of Nas’ Illmatic cover some young guy put together, or the episode of MTV Cribs where Drake’s grandma spit a hot 16, but he does do a lot of drugs, which means he spends a lot of time glued to a couch, so I wouldn’t put it past him.
I read somewhere that Drake recently had to put his grandma in a nursing home. I think he raps about it on Thank Me Later, which I’m sure is yet another historic first for hip-hop, along with his fondness for a tuna fish on a bagel sandwich. (Admittedly, I’ve been meaning to try one of them ever since I heard about it the other day.) I wonder if that episode of Cribs, and perhaps its surfacing on World Star (and hence in a post here) was the impetus. He may have stuck his grandma in the kind of place they stuck my grandpa, after the “incident” in the first place he was in. (This place once famously left an old guy sitting out front, in the rain, where he eventually died. Roffle.) But at least that was because that was the only place Medicare would pay for, and he wasn’t really my grandpa anyway but rather my father’s stepfather. Drake can obviously afford much better.
If it weren’t for Drake’s bum knee, which must be genetic on his mother’s side of the family, it’s not inconceivable that he could kick the crap out of Beanie Sigel, if Beanie Sigel didn’t shoot him first. In that video where Drake’s mother failed to bring him a tuna fish on a bagel sandwich (she must have seen a black dude at Panera and got distracted), he towers over her like a half-Jewish Manute Bol. That could be because he’s roughly the size of one of the hobbits from those Lord of the Rings movies, with looks to match, but he seems like he might be a bigger guy than you’d think, to listen to his songs about how Rihanna used him for a photo, because he’s somehow even more lighter skinted than Chris Brown, and how his rappin’ granny can’t help but piss and shit herself. Lest we forget, Wheelchair Jimmy was the captain of the basketball team, before he got shot by some crazy white kid.
It might still be a fair fight. Beanie Sigel is an old-ass man, and it’s a well known fact that any man over the age of 40, regardless of how badass he seems otherwise, can be easily taken out at the knees. I don’t care if it’s a 40 year-old Kimbo Slice (who’s apparently a pussy anyway). I’m not sure if Beanie Sigel is quite as old as his former best friend forever Jay-Z, but he can’t be that much younger, and he looks even older (okay maybe not that old), perhaps due to his heroic drug intake and his numerous stints in the pokey. (Nullus?) Drake is supposedly back up and at ‘em, after that hilarious video where he tried to dance or some shit and ended up busting his ass, but I saw on Vlad TV yesterday where there was a video of him walking around with a stroke cane. He had a bunch of people walking around him, to try to block out the cameras, but it was obvious just from the way he was walking. God forbid some of those Hanson fans took off after him. He’d be screwed. Even I could take him in a foot race, though I might drop dead at the finish line.