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How I know Lil B is teh ghey

It’s a known fact that teh ghey people don’t just step right out of the closet. First they do a lot of suspect shit to test the waters, to see what life might be like in a world where they’re no longer pretending to be straight.

They might buy a pair of pants a couple of sizes too small, like a woman would wear, if she were trying to get fucked in a bar (perhaps by Big Ben Roethlisberger), or they might start randomly inserting a lot of gay shit into the conversation, mentioning their cock and balls every five minutes, for no apparent reason, referring to their ass as their “booty,” and what have you.

It might be as subtle as that one guy who wants to play ball tag all the time, even when the situation doesn’t call for it. Like, at a party with chicks in it. I don’t need a woman seeing another guy putting the back of his hand on my “privacy” and me not responding by beating him to within an inch of his life. She might get the wrong idea about me. Even though there’s nothing particularly sexual about a game of ball tag, as long as you’re sure that all the participants are straight.

This interview Lil B just did with Complex is obviously his first baby step out of the closet, along with that video in which he got cold cocked by a guy who looks like he could have been the star pupil at the Sickamore School of Lip Moisture Management, and the bulk of his catalog, apparently, including songs like “Pretty Bitch” and “I’m a Faggot.” (No subtlety there!) Even that song “Look Like Jesus,” or whatever it’s called, probably the only Lil B song I’ve ever heard, except for that EP he did with the Pack, which I reviewed on my own site back in the dark ages (as I recall, it wasn’t half that bad), includes an unnecessary reference to his junk. Clearly, he’s trying to tell us something.

You can tell Lil B has already had his share of teh ghey experiences, because he tries to prove that he’s not teh ghey by citing experiences that would never happen to straight people. For example, he talks about how some guys, when they’re stroking it to pr0n, will flip out when some teh ghey shit pops up, while he’ll keep on pulling his pud, confident in his lack of teh gheyness, when obviously the only time a straight guy would jerk off in a room with another guy is as part of a competition to see who takes the longest to blow his load, and hence has to eat a cookie with said load all over it – unless he realizes he’s gonna lose and pretends he just can’t finish the act. Nope, dry as a bone! I wouldn’t have any way of knowing how a guy would react, if he were stroking it to pr0n and some teh ghey shit popped up. Also, I’ve seen enough pr0n to know that teh ghey shit doesn’t just pop up in straight pr0n. Even if you get all of your pr0n from these tube sites that feature straight and teh ghey pr0n, they’re very good about keeping ’em separated, Offspring-style. They must realize that straight dudes have zero tolerance for that shit. Pr0nHub has one time to show me a guy blowing another guy, and that’s it.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just don’t want to see it.

Of course Lil B tries to pull that move where he claims that he can say and do all of the teh ghey shit he wants, but everything that dribbles from between his two lips has to be taken with a grain of salt anyway (nullus), because it’s so obvious he’s straight, because he’s so disingenuous about other aspects of his life. I should have known, from the fact that Lil B is from Berkeley, CA, that he was the victim of a childhood similar to my own, i.e. a life of material comfort and safety. I knew I’d never heard of any crime taking place in Berkeley, except for that time that guy stole his mother’s car, in the movie Youth in Revolt, but I figured Lil B must have had a hard time growing up, just from how damaged he looks. It sounds like he may have pulled some shit similar to Nick Twisp and/or his French alter ego. It says in the Complex interview that he once stole a Lexus. Let me guess – that was his mother’s Lexus. He didn’t really steal it, he just borrowed it, after she told him he couldn’t. He probably also broke into his own house, like in the movie Bottle Rocket.

Similarly, I suspect there’s a lot more to his relationship with the guy who cold cocked him than he let on in the interview. First he claimed to have never met the guy, but apparently there’s a video somewhere of the two of them doing a dance together, so he admitted that the two of them went to the same high school, as if going to high school with another guy is an excuse for there to be a video of the two of you doing a dance together. Then he claims to not have any memories of the guy from high school, because the guy is way younger than him, even though there’s no such thing as someone who’s way younger than you when you’re 20 years old, let alone someone you went to school with. How are you gonna forget some shit that happened two years ago? That’s not how drugs work. You might forget things you need to know right this moment, like where you left your car, or what day it is, but if anything, your memory of high school gets that much stronger. I’m mostly sober, and I can’t remember shit from high school, but I stay running into tweakers who claim we went to school together. Or is that just how white people look when they’re 30?

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