How I know Lil B is teh ghey

It’s a known fact that teh ghey people don’t just step right out of the closet. First they do a lot of suspect shit to test the waters, to see what life might be like in a world where they’re no longer pretending to be straight.

They might buy a pair of pants a couple of sizes too small, like a woman would wear, if she were trying to get fucked in a bar (perhaps by Big Ben Roethlisberger), or they might start randomly inserting a lot of gay shit into the conversation, mentioning their cock and balls every five minutes, for no apparent reason, referring to their ass as their “booty,” and what have you.

It might be as subtle as that one guy who wants to play ball tag all the time, even when the situation doesn’t call for it. Like, at a party with chicks in it. I don’t need a woman seeing another guy putting the back of his hand on my “privacy” and me not responding by beating him to within an inch of his life. She might get the wrong idea about me. Even though there’s nothing particularly sexual about a game of ball tag, as long as you’re sure that all the participants are straight.

This interview Lil B just did with Complex is obviously his first baby step out of the closet, along with that video in which he got cold cocked by a guy who looks like he could have been the star pupil at the Sickamore School of Lip Moisture Management, and the bulk of his catalog, apparently, including songs like “Pretty Bitch” and “I’m a Faggot.” (No subtlety there!) Even that song “Look Like Jesus,” or whatever it’s called, probably the only Lil B song I’ve ever heard, except for that EP he did with the Pack, which I reviewed on my own site back in the dark ages (as I recall, it wasn’t half that bad), includes an unnecessary reference to his junk. Clearly, he’s trying to tell us something.

You can tell Lil B has already had his share of teh ghey experiences, because he tries to prove that he’s not teh ghey by citing experiences that would never happen to straight people. For example, he talks about how some guys, when they’re stroking it to pr0n, will flip out when some teh ghey shit pops up, while he’ll keep on pulling his pud, confident in his lack of teh gheyness, when obviously the only time a straight guy would jerk off in a room with another guy is as part of a competition to see who takes the longest to blow his load, and hence has to eat a cookie with said load all over it – unless he realizes he’s gonna lose and pretends he just can’t finish the act. Nope, dry as a bone! I wouldn’t have any way of knowing how a guy would react, if he were stroking it to pr0n and some teh ghey shit popped up. Also, I’ve seen enough pr0n to know that teh ghey shit doesn’t just pop up in straight pr0n. Even if you get all of your pr0n from these tube sites that feature straight and teh ghey pr0n, they’re very good about keeping ‘em separated, Offspring-style. They must realize that straight dudes have zero tolerance for that shit. Pr0nHub has one time to show me a guy blowing another guy, and that’s it.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just don’t want to see it.

Of course Lil B tries to pull that move where he claims that he can say and do all of the teh ghey shit he wants, but everything that dribbles from between his two lips has to be taken with a grain of salt anyway (nullus), because it’s so obvious he’s straight, because he’s so disingenuous about other aspects of his life. I should have known, from the fact that Lil B is from Berkeley, CA, that he was the victim of a childhood similar to my own, i.e. a life of material comfort and safety. I knew I’d never heard of any crime taking place in Berkeley, except for that time that guy stole his mother’s car, in the movie Youth in Revolt, but I figured Lil B must have had a hard time growing up, just from how damaged he looks. It sounds like he may have pulled some shit similar to Nick Twisp and/or his French alter ego. It says in the Complex interview that he once stole a Lexus. Let me guess – that was his mother’s Lexus. He didn’t really steal it, he just borrowed it, after she told him he couldn’t. He probably also broke into his own house, like in the movie Bottle Rocket.

Similarly, I suspect there’s a lot more to his relationship with the guy who cold cocked him than he let on in the interview. First he claimed to have never met the guy, but apparently there’s a video somewhere of the two of them doing a dance together, so he admitted that the two of them went to the same high school, as if going to high school with another guy is an excuse for there to be a video of the two of you doing a dance together. Then he claims to not have any memories of the guy from high school, because the guy is way younger than him, even though there’s no such thing as someone who’s way younger than you when you’re 20 years old, let alone someone you went to school with. How are you gonna forget some shit that happened two years ago? That’s not how drugs work. You might forget things you need to know right this moment, like where you left your car, or what day it is, but if anything, your memory of high school gets that much stronger. I’m mostly sober, and I can’t remember shit from high school, but I stay running into tweakers who claim we went to school together. Or is that just how white people look when they’re 30?

  • these posts are racist

    Why are you such a homophobe? As an obese black man one would thing you would know better?

    • k

      u dumb honky, why do u keep comin back when u know what this shit is gonna be like? spend more time catchin hiv or somethin homo

      • bk

        stop busting his ballz. u have 2 b gentle with them.

      • alicia

        Susan recommended me a nice community , ______ B l a c k W h i t e C u p i d * C o m ______ where black & white singles are looking for lovers to share interracial lifestyle with…. :D

    • Lloyd Sprayweather

      maybe you’re just heterophobic

  • http://- Steve

    Yeah, this is some really hateful, homophobic shit. Like, incredibly disgusting.

    How can you publish this?

    “beating (a gay man) to within an inch of his life”?

    Calling gay sexual practices “suspect shit”? Saying that “it’s a well-known fact” that homosexuals don’t know they’re gay until late in life? Saying gay men start “mentioning their cock and balls every five minutes, for no apparent reason” and “referring to their ass as their “booty’”?

    How can a man whose descendents underwent slavery, every kind of exclusion and degradation, and still feels the effects of racism today do the same thing to another human being.

    Byron Crawford, you aren’t just being controversial. You are being hateful, cruel, closed-minded, and ugly-hearted.

    Disgusting.

    • geico lizard

      “It’s a known fact that teh ghey people don’t just step right out of the closet. First they do a lot of suspect shit to test the waters, to see what life might be like in a world where they’re no longer pretending to be straight”
      ^^^
      Queen Latifah? Latifah leaked that story about getting sexually abused as a kid and the next step is to come out of the closet. Latifah looks like Charles Barkley in a wig so no straight man cares if she is a lesbian anyway.

  • http://www.bboycult.com $yk

    “How I know Lil B is teh ghey”

    ^ How did you find out Bol???

  • ri067953

    Don’t listen to these guys calling you a homophobe. They are all gay and it doesn’t matter what they think.

    Btw, you homo’s are reading into his assertion of beating somebody within an inch of their life, he never said that they had to be “gay” but I know any dude that touches my shit, regardless, will get an beating worse than Precious got by her momma!

    • these posts are racist

      Most people who talk about hard they are on the internet are usually the opposite. And fyi, you’re a bigot, no different than a KKK member burning a cross in front of a black man’s home.

      • yeah man

        all people who think it matters that they act intelligent on the internet are the opposite.
        And FYI, the people who try to use the gay experience to feign outrage with Black folk are white folk who’ve been dying for the chance to talk from a condescending vantage of moral superiority, no better than the college kid who wants Black friends so he can say ‘nigger’.

        • d

          You know you can be black and gay

    • http://www.bboycult.com $yk

      @ ri

      The object of the game of darts is to try to hit the target, not throw them anywhere on the board.

      1

  • ChinCheka

    The B stands for bi*ch… His name is lil bitch… damn homie even your name plays you.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=82163 jay

    lmaoo this post is fuckin hilarious…
    all u commentors are overly sensitive..(gay)..tpar.. just shut up please. and for the other guy.. he didnt say hed hit a gay guy.. if u can read he said if hes at a party w girls and ur boy hits ur balls the girl would expect u to hit him..wow

    hilarious post

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=82163 jay

    lmaoo this post is fuckin hilarious…
    all u commentors are overly sensitive..(gay)..tpar.. just shut up please. and for the other guy.. he didnt say hed hit a gay guy.. if u can read he said if hes at a party w girls and ur boy hits ur balls the girl would expect u to hit him..wow

    hilarious post

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=82163 jay

    lmaoo this post is fuckin hilarious…
    all u commentors are overly sensitive..(gay)..tpar.. just shut up please. and for the other guy.. he didnt say hed hit a gay guy.. if u can read he said if hes at a party w girls and ur boy hits ur balls the girl would expect u to hit him..wow

    hilarious post

  • http://www.xxlmag.com/?p=82163 jay

    i was just playin with the over sensitive gay thing..but on second read..steve.. ur DEF a homo, no question lol no straight person would everrrr get that pissed about segments and break it down lol..oh yeah ur a fag

    • http://twitter.com/Azrael_Haze Azrael

      So, I guess anyone that was heavily critical of homophobia has to, in fact, be a homosexual?

      Hilarious.

  • ILLWILL

    WHO THE FUCK IS LIL B?

  • dat k00n nigga

    if you want to talk with hip hop as homos and broke ass straight nigga plus phat ass nubian hookers call 718 280 7765 there is a lot of bitch ass niggaz like lil homo

  • dat k00n nigga

    press 7 to talk with broke niggas when you get ion the chatline

  • bk

    By reading this post the only thing I’ve learned is that Bol has the maturity of an 8 year old. Does XXL have actual content anymore?

    No wonder you spend so much time stroking it solo to photos of naked white women. Keep doing you (nullus).

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Who the fuck is Lil B?

    • Maddox

      That’s what I said. U crazy as hell, Mr. Crawford…

  • avenger xl

    Yeah who is lil B and what how exactly does he even matter to hip hop?

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    a lil bit of truth & a lot of humor, is usually what i read Bol’s blogs for. this is his shtick, he’s a shock blogger & he is good at it. i doubt he is actually (as a person) the way a lot of readers perceive him.

    & its the same w/ Lil B (except he sucks).

  • k

    Bol is tha shiznit, but this comment section stay losin. Its been fucked up by a gang of gay ass crackaz.

    • http://www.bboycult.com $ykotic Don McCaine

      Naw it’s fukkaz like u who come here spitting that feeble minded sh^t like you know each and everyone’s profile that comments.

      Show and prove I’ma honky azz gay craka. I’ma prove you wrong all day yo.

      Y’all some funny style azz mufukkaz, for real.

  • http://- Steve

    ri,

    Why are we “homos” for asking for sexual equality? Is that not just as warranted as racial equality?

    Example: You say it’s cool to beat a man up within an inch of his life if he touches you, right? Why, because you are straight? If a gay man came on to you too strong for some reason, you tell him you’re not interested, as you would a woman – you don’t almost kill him.

    By the way, Byron didn’t “assert of” anything, he “asserted that” he would do something. Also, no need for an apostrophe in “homos” – that would imply ownership of something, or be short for “homo is.”

    Ignorant, macho, AND bad grammer. You fail, buddy.

    • http://- Steve

      K,

      Who says I’m white? Who says I’m gay?

      Y’all don’t know me!

      Holding. Hip. Hop. Back.

      That’s what you’re doing.

    • ri067953

      You’re gay for correcting my grammer.

  • blackaveli

    damn all you homos get the fuck out of hip hop…or at least the comment section

  • ?

    How is this even remotely funny? Your a fucking failure. You don’t get paid for this so I wonder what your motivation is?

    • ?

      Okay but whyyyyy are you stealing my name? Please get a new one.

  • http://www.bboycult.com $yk

    R.J.Orion Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Thank Me Later > Supreme Clientele

    TML > Illmatic

    TML > Thriller (THIS SHOULD WARRANT A DRIVE-BY)

    ^ this is how you know cats are followers. Media told cats Wheelchair Aubrey is the king, and cats believe it to the point they can’t even recognize blasphemy anymore.

    • these posts are racist

      CO-SIGN.

  • 3rd eye clear

    Syk,
    I been gobbling up the pages of your blog!! Them essays!!!

    I am not sure whats happening over here!!

    front sight, sight alignment, trigger squeeze!
    Bang!

    • http://www.bboycult.com $yk

      LOLZ!

      Whaddup fams?

      “My 3rd eye makes me shine like jewelry…”-Rakim

  • Mark Waldo Ward

    He does get paid for it. It drums up interest in his site(which is more hil-ar-ious than Nick Cannon)and he gets doe for site traffic.

    • ?

      hahhaha yeah right. if you think his site generates any money in ad revenue, your a fucking idiot too.

      • ?

        omg get a new name!

        • Mark Waldo Ward

          OMG like I totally use my real name on the internet LOL, is that like so not cool?

  • Brooklyn

    i’m probably like the 8th nigga to ask this question, but who the fuck is lil b and why should i care if he likes to play hide the salami?

  • Mad Rocks

    Wait just a sec…..aint Lil B the same nickname for Ray J’s godsister????

    yep, dude is ghey

  • based god

    i aint gay niggas. fuck yall sensitive dumb bitches. i make the song ima faggot to make a point bout how i show love to all. fuck u white boys talking bout equality. thats y i like dancehall. kill fags

  • pedro

    bottle rocket reference FTW!!!! u my nigga bol

  • TownBizz

    That was pretty funny. But I have to correct you a couple things. Although isn’t Oakland, CA or Richmond, CA (California’s most dangerous city 07-09), Berkeley isn’t exactly the safest place on earth. Mainly because its sit between two of California’s roughest cites Oakland and Richmond. Berkeley is mostly a college town. In the hills you will find nothing but multi million dollar homes. Homes that would run for 350-500k in Texas and 250k-350k in Missouri but because the Bay Area is the most affluent place in the nation those same homes will run you over a meal-ticket. But in the flats, the SSB (South Side Berkeley) to be exact, you will find a normal ghetto. With all of familiar attributes; Liquors stores, Barbershops, crackheads, cat hanging out all night, Car washes, etc. You must not forget that the SSB borders the OAK. It’s pretty hard to know where one stops and the other begins. I’m not from Berkeley but this past year two of my friends were killed in Berkeley. With that being said…when you hear someone shout out Berkeley it doesn’t hold much water in the Bay. But its not because the SSB is soft it because Oakland and Richmond are so bad. If Berkeley, Richmond and Oakland were cars. Oakland = 1971 Chevelle SS royal blue candy paint w/ racing stripes, 24″, cream guts, with 4 15′s in back, flowmaster, headers, psi, 4 TV’s fly but fast. Richmond = 1972 Olds 442 burnt orange, peanut butter guts, 22″ d’s with the vogues, guts blew (sun roof, 4 12′s in a bandpass, 2 TV’s. Berkeley = 2007 V6 Dodge Charger on 24′s but everything else is stock.

  • Pingback: lil b is gay | Taylor Gang or Die

  • Noah Frebbie

    Even as poor of points you make, the fact that xxlmag would publish this pathetic piece of writing is hilarious. This is the least funny, most moronic thing I’ve ever read. Way to go, your points are poor, your examples worse, and none of this is funny. If you’re just trying to hate on lil b because you think he’s gay do it somewhere else.

  • woodpecker

    ive been to state for many years in the california jail systems and let me tell you after many years behind bars many blacks seem very homophobic but are the most common to pick up trannys and have a code that it is “no homo” unless they are taking it, the ones who are most scarred of these homo’s usually have something to hide. in matter of fact that applies for all races if your are really straight then worry about yourself