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Drake: The softest rapper of all time

Playing Wheelchair Jimmy on the Nickelodeon version of Degrassi is one thing, but what kind of fruit writes a sad song about how one of his jumpoffs decided to get an abortion? A rap song, I mean. No shots at Ben Folds.

Even Charles Hamilton, who’s on drugs, had the sense to realize that talking a chick you knocked up into having an abortion is a sort of victory, impressive enough to brag about in an impromptu freestyle battle with said chick. That line may have gotten him punched in the chin, but it was still a relatively small price to pay.

I did listen to Drake’s Thank Me Later once, the other day, when my “review copy” arrived, but I must have missed the part with the abortion. I only read about it just now, in a story in the New York Times about how Drake is the new face of hip-hop. Step aside, Jay-Z. No, really. It’s fawning to the point that it really does do itself a disservice. Even if I didn’t know jack schitt about rap music, I’m not sure if I could believe that Drake is nearly as good as they make him out to be. They even go so far as to call him the most important and innovative new figure in hip-hop. Seriously? What about Lil B?

The part about the abortion doesn’t come until near the very end, which is chock-full of information about Drake that I hadn’t been aware of. I guess because I have no interest in the guy’s music, I’d read very little about him up until that point. All I knew was the video for “Best I Ever Had,” which I know like the back of my hand. It’s a good thing I forced myself to read that bullshit article through to the very end, because I figure if I’m gonna make fun of something, I should probably know something about it. Otherwise, I’d still be in the dark about the abortion faux pas, and a number of other things.

For example, I feel like I should have been out ahead of this story having to do with his brief relationship with Rihanna – also mentioned towards the end of the article. In fact, I’m pretty sure you could dig through the archives of either this site or my own site and find where I called their dalliance for the PR stunt that it was. She’d gotten herself beaten up by Chris Brown, and so she was trying to rebound with someone who was similarly light skinted, but clearly soft and harmless. For a minute there, she was letting the Mexican dude from That ’70s Show hit it, which I of course took as proof that they were trying to wean her off of black men altogether, but slowly and gradually.

I was approaching the narrative from the perspective of Drake being a more articulate, less incident prone Lil Wayne, a sort of Pat Boone to Lil Wayne’s Little Richard (I believe I also did a post on this), and of course as part of my continuing (in perpetuity) coverage of the Rumble in the Lambo. Drake himself hardly entered into it. And so it hadn’t occurred to me that Drake had no idea that his relationship with Rihanna wasn’t genuine in the least bit. Like Slim Thug’s jumpoffs’ financial woes, it’s one of those things that were inconceivable to me as recently as the other day. I was able to call that shit from the curb, and I live in motherfucking Missouri. And yet, there Drake is in the Times, seemingly shocked by the entire ordeal. (Apparently, there’s also a reference to this on the album.)

When you’re that naive, it’s only a matter of time before you get taken advantage of. My guess is that Drake is gonna somehow manage to get robbed by a woman. Already’s there’s rumors that he may have knocked up one of these video hoes. (No mention of this in the New York TImes.) He may have started that rumor himself, to spread the idea that he gets it on with a lot of black chicks, for branding purposes, but that could just have the effect of giving one of these hoo-ers an idea. And you know one of these video hoes is not about to get an abortion. With Drake’s baby? That baby could be even more fucked up than Sarah Palin’s baby – drooling all over itself, playing with itself at inappropriate times. That just means it’s gonna cost that much more to take care of.

His best move might be to steer clear of black chicks altogether. Word to Slim Thug. Alas, his audience might not like the idea of him getting it on with white chicks. If he does, he might have to keep that shit on the low, like Lil Wayne’s Asian fetish. He’s got a lot of singing on his album. He needs the hoodrat demographic to turn out in full force next Tuesday. And who knows? He might actually like black chicks. His white half is Jewish, and it’s a well known fact that Jewish men hate Jewish women way worse than black men hate black women. Why, I’m not sure. I kinda like ‘em, despite their personality. They’re like regular white women, except, at their best, they’re only about 75% as attractive. But that just makes them that much more approachable. Black men should be so lucky. I’m sure Drake’s father would cosign, if he weren’t in jail.

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