Suge Knight… Damn, Homie

Even though Marion “Suge” Knight is years removed from his Freddy Krueger-like urban legend tales of funding Death Row Records by (allegedly) dangling Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a hotel room balcony, (allegedly) setting up multiple beatings of anybody who dared breathe in his direction the wrong way and (allegedly) running with the Bloods, it’s still going to be hard-pressed for anybody of the Internets community to actually try to step to him today since most of this site’s visitors prefer Street Fighter to street fighting. However, eventually Suge had to get some sort of comeuppance, and it’s seemed that karmically he’s been catching wreck in spades. Some would even say he’s long overdue for it as well.

I don’t think anybody envisioned this kind of getback, however. Having your underwear of all things sold at a public auction is embarrassing enough, but getting robbed and shot at a Kanye West (I know, right?) after party, having the label your created, Death Row Records, taken out from under him, then punched out in the middle of the street… twice – once by a barber, the other by Akon’s weed carrier – is just something else. That’s not to mention the many lawsuits and bankruptcy filings he’s had to face.

Thing is, in spite of his current losing streak, Suge is still doing the things that got him caught up in the first place. I don’t ever support throwing hands at a woman unless it’s in the name of self-defense, yet he caught a charge for beating his girlfriend, and blamed of robbing both Luniz member Yukmouth for his jewels and – perhaps in retaliation for getting his face crushed in – another weed carrier of Akon. You would think that he’d learn from the past and, at the very least, “soften” up his style in a similar, quasi-homosexual manner Master P did when he turned No Limit into a child-friendly, curse-free endeavor, especially as a 45-year-old man who hasn’t been musically relevant in over a decade.

Of course, I’d only recommend this to him from a safe distance. While things haven’t been exactly chipper for him, Lord knows I’m still not trying to be on the receiving end of a Suge Knight special. Look at what happened to Yukmouth. And his girlfriend. And Orlando Anderson. And that guy he had jumped half to death at Long Beach’s Lakewood Mall back in the 90s. I mean I could sue him afterwards, but what good would that do when the guy had his draws repossessed? That turnip was squeezed dry a long time ago.

Suge should at least take pride in the fact he helped usher in a new era of music and business management. However, if I could give him a word of advice I’d recommend he should have ridden off into the sunset years ago as the feared mogul you once were, as trying to cement your legacy as a 45-year-old stick up kid just really isn’t working at this point. It didn’t for OJ Simpson. But then again, I like retaining the ability to reproduce children and walk without mechanical assistance, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.