Someone cue up “Forever My Lady”

Props to Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys for going half on a baby.

It was announced just now that the two of them are expecting. You can read all about it in this site’s News section. Rumors had been swirling for the past few weeks that Alicia Keys is “in a family way,” after she was photographed looking even more chubby than usual. Last night her handlers confirmed to the press that she is indeed pregnant with Swizz Beatz’ baby, and the two of them plan to get married later this year in a private ceremony, Jay and Beyonce-style. Aww, how sweet! (I guess they didn’t want people worrying that she has self control issues, presumably from the black side of her family.)

This should work out well for Swizz Beatz, if only because Alicia Keys has enough money that he shouldn’t have to worry about going broke, if their marriage somehow doesn’t work out. Alicia Keys, who had her debut a good five years before people stopped buying CDs, and who remains remarkably popular despite being a laughable songwriter, must have a veritable fuckton of money. If she and Swizz Beatz split up, it’s not like she needs anything with his money. If anything, she’d be more concerned with keeping her own money. Which wouldn’t matter to Swizz Beatz, since I’m sure he’s got plenty of money of his own.

Swizz Beatz has been in the game for a long time, and most of that time was back when there was still money to be made. Even though we’re roughly the same age, Swizz Beatz had hit records back when I was in high school, I remember hearing that he was only like 19 at the time – but this was a while still before there was a such thing as the world’s most accurate encyclopedia, so you just had to go off of what you heard. Regardless, it was an impressive run. It would have been even more impressive, if those songs weren’t fucking retarded. Man, I couldn’t stand that early Swizz Beatz shit.

Oddly enough, Swizz Beatz has gradually become a genuinely talented producer. He’s gone from being merely adept with a keyboard, i.e. the equivalent of a Mannie Fresh or somebody, to being a real musician. Or maybe he’s just become that much more reliant on samples. Roffle. No but really, quiet as it’s kept, he might be the best producer working today, on a mainstream level, for what it’s worth. I find myself cranking his shit (nullus) whenever it comes on the satellite radio in my van. Even “On to the Next One.”

Normally, this is the part where I’d question whether or not Swizz Beatz had the sense to get a pre-nup, but I’m assuming he did. Not because I believe his genius extends to anything other than producing rap songs, but because he’s already been taken to the cleaners once, by that first woman he was married to, the video ho. Or was she supposed to be a singer? All I know is I once saw a picture of her, and that bitch was smokin’. If she was a singer, I’m surprised her career didn’t go anywhere. She was the kind of broad a brother such as myself refers to when he says it’s not like he wouldn’t get with any black woman. At least in terms of her appearance.

But apparently she’ll try to destroy you financially. It just goes to show the danger of getting with these video hoes. Or, very well-endowed singers. Whatever the case may be.

Speaking of which, I read somewhere the other day that Joe Budden is currently banging Esther Baxter (literally, as we speak), and I’m not gonna lie – I was as jealous of Joe Budden as I ever have been. Which is to say, kinda. I could give a rat’s ass about Taheezo, who looks like an elementary school bus driver, and some of these other hoo-ers he’s been with, but Esther Baxter really is the GOAT video ho. Even if all she ever did was that “Freek-A-Leek” video, you could probably make that case. That shit was mad jiggly. Alas, that was back when I was still in college. She was always half a bag of Funyuns away from looking like someone’s mother, and now she actually is someone’s mother. Still, something tells me I’ll always hold a candle for Esther Baxter. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a tendency to develop attachments to things and hold onto them forever and ever. I even almost reflexively fapped that time Foxy Brown was on the Mo’nique show.

The fact that Joe Budden is now living my mid ’00s-era dream suggests to me that, for a rapper, getting with one of these videos hoes can’t be any more difficult than contacting her suitcase pimp and expressing an interest. If c-list rappers like Joe Budden and Red Cafe can get with some of the most legendary video hoes, I’m sure Swizz Beatz could get one for every day of the week. The problem is, you’d always have to worry about them taking shit from your house, or worse, getting knocked up. In which case you might get screwed even with a pre-nup, since it’s not like she can afford a decent place of her own. If you’re a rapper on a par with a Swizz Beatz or a Jay-Z, and you’re the kind of codependent emotional cripple who would want to get married, in 2K10, you’re probably best off finding yourself one of these R&B chicks.

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    Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.

  • Mike Streezy

    LOL @ I even almost reflexively fapped that time Foxy Brown was on the Mo’nique show.

    Swizz is winnin on this one. Definitely.

  • thehoodnerd

    Foxy’s knockers >

  • jim

    I ain’t mad at Swizz

  • $yk

    “Like Sheeeiiittttt”-Cam’Ron f/Vado

  • Pierzy

    I just hope he doesn’t call himself “Swizz Beatz The Monster” when they’re alone

    • yoprince


    • eesco


  • sealsaa

    “Alicia Keys is “in a family way,” after she was photographed looking even more chubby than usual.”

    I once made the mistake of saying that she was shaped funny over at Nah Right, and a few thirsty black dudes got more than a little offended. I knew it wasn’t just me.

    And yeah, Foxy’s tits>>

  • MindState

    I know that lil nigga gon’ be light-skintted den a muhfucka mane..

  • yoprince

    alicia keys has always been ehh to me in every way, from talent to looks.

    and i remain unconvinced that she’s not as dikey as a female bulldog.

    but congrats to them.

  • da Best Ofs

    I wonder if Kat Stacks had to pay at the bar after she got smacked…if so double loss….

  • Harmen

    alicia keys has been fiiine since the no one video i wasnt digging the braids
    yeah foxy’s got some solid buzzamba’s too

  • geico lizard

    “and you’re the kind of codependent emotional cripple who would want to get married”

    Thats some cold sh*t to say Bol but the way everybody is cheating these days you have to be crazy to marry someone and think they will be faithful FOREVER.

    Swizz Beats started young because the Ruff Ryders owners are his uncles. Just like Jermaine Dupri you can start young when you have a relative high up in the music business.


    Props to swizz for getting the keys to that. She really has stepped it up in the looks department over the last two years. An r&b chick is one thing but its better to go for a ceo chick.

  • John H. Lawson

    OK! now BOL you redeem yourself, this one’s better than your african-nas blog! this is the Bol I like to read!!!!
    You even admitted a knack for black board…the end of the world is soon to come!

    Thumbs up

  • P. Harris

    I’m still kind of like… I mean, I’m not hating… but? how da fuck did this happen again????

    oh yeah… Foxy’s Tits >>

  • Anonymous

    You always find a way to take a digg at joey. He must of punked you in middle school or something or banged your ol lady

  • UncleTom

    Swizzy gets nothing but props on that one. I always thought she was dykeing it. You aint neva heard of nobody smashing that I think he won on this one. On Buddens man I dont like that cat but i cant do nothing but respect his G. He had chicks going at each other for dude smh btw Good post