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Someone cue up “Forever My Lady”

Props to Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys for going half on a baby.

It was announced just now that the two of them are expecting. You can read all about it in this site’s News section. Rumors had been swirling for the past few weeks that Alicia Keys is “in a family way,” after she was photographed looking even more chubby than usual. Last night her handlers confirmed to the press that she is indeed pregnant with Swizz Beatz’ baby, and the two of them plan to get married later this year in a private ceremony, Jay and Beyonce-style. Aww, how sweet! (I guess they didn’t want people worrying that she has self control issues, presumably from the black side of her family.)

This should work out well for Swizz Beatz, if only because Alicia Keys has enough money that he shouldn’t have to worry about going broke, if their marriage somehow doesn’t work out. Alicia Keys, who had her debut a good five years before people stopped buying CDs, and who remains remarkably popular despite being a laughable songwriter, must have a veritable fuckton of money. If she and Swizz Beatz split up, it’s not like she needs anything with his money. If anything, she’d be more concerned with keeping her own money. Which wouldn’t matter to Swizz Beatz, since I’m sure he’s got plenty of money of his own.

Swizz Beatz has been in the game for a long time, and most of that time was back when there was still money to be made. Even though we’re roughly the same age, Swizz Beatz had hit records back when I was in high school, I remember hearing that he was only like 19 at the time – but this was a while still before there was a such thing as the world’s most accurate encyclopedia, so you just had to go off of what you heard. Regardless, it was an impressive run. It would have been even more impressive, if those songs weren’t fucking retarded. Man, I couldn’t stand that early Swizz Beatz shit.

Oddly enough, Swizz Beatz has gradually become a genuinely talented producer. He’s gone from being merely adept with a keyboard, i.e. the equivalent of a Mannie Fresh or somebody, to being a real musician. Or maybe he’s just become that much more reliant on samples. Roffle. No but really, quiet as it’s kept, he might be the best producer working today, on a mainstream level, for what it’s worth. I find myself cranking his shit (nullus) whenever it comes on the satellite radio in my van. Even “On to the Next One.”

Normally, this is the part where I’d question whether or not Swizz Beatz had the sense to get a pre-nup, but I’m assuming he did. Not because I believe his genius extends to anything other than producing rap songs, but because he’s already been taken to the cleaners once, by that first woman he was married to, the video ho. Or was she supposed to be a singer? All I know is I once saw a picture of her, and that bitch was smokin’. If she was a singer, I’m surprised her career didn’t go anywhere. She was the kind of broad a brother such as myself refers to when he says it’s not like he wouldn’t get with any black woman. At least in terms of her appearance.

But apparently she’ll try to destroy you financially. It just goes to show the danger of getting with these video hoes. Or, very well-endowed singers. Whatever the case may be.

Speaking of which, I read somewhere the other day that Joe Budden is currently banging Esther Baxter (literally, as we speak), and I’m not gonna lie – I was as jealous of Joe Budden as I ever have been. Which is to say, kinda. I could give a rat’s ass about Taheezo, who looks like an elementary school bus driver, and some of these other hoo-ers he’s been with, but Esther Baxter really is the GOAT video ho. Even if all she ever did was that “Freek-A-Leek” video, you could probably make that case. That shit was mad jiggly. Alas, that was back when I was still in college. She was always half a bag of Funyuns away from looking like someone’s mother, and now she actually is someone’s mother. Still, something tells me I’ll always hold a candle for Esther Baxter. In case you haven’t noticed, I have a tendency to develop attachments to things and hold onto them forever and ever. I even almost reflexively fapped that time Foxy Brown was on the Mo’nique show.

The fact that Joe Budden is now living my mid ’00s-era dream suggests to me that, for a rapper, getting with one of these videos hoes can’t be any more difficult than contacting her suitcase pimp and expressing an interest. If c-list rappers like Joe Budden and Red Cafe can get with some of the most legendary video hoes, I’m sure Swizz Beatz could get one for every day of the week. The problem is, you’d always have to worry about them taking shit from your house, or worse, getting knocked up. In which case you might get screwed even with a pre-nup, since it’s not like she can afford a decent place of her own. If you’re a rapper on a par with a Swizz Beatz or a Jay-Z, and you’re the kind of codependent emotional cripple who would want to get married, in 2K10, you’re probably best off finding yourself one of these R&B chicks.

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