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The terror of knowing what this world is about

That video of Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine at the Boston Red Sox’ home opener is one of the most ridonkulous things I’ve ever seen on the Internets, and I spent more time than I’d like to admit yesterday watching Mal Malloy videos.

It’s so obviously just a commercial for those Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. Who knew you could get TV news to run an infomercial for a product like that? I mean, I could see if Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine actually had some business at Fenway Park, a local news network went to report on it, and Dr. Dre just so happened to be wearing a pair of Beats. But the circumstances of this report could hardly be any more random.

The bimbo from the station asked Dr. Dre if he had any background in baseball, and he was like, “Um, yeah. I used to play a little bit when I was a kid.” Which he probably didn’t. I’ve been listening to NWA for over 20 years now, and I don’t recall hearing them say anything about baseball – even back when Dre was preaching about how you shouldn’t smoke weed (which you shouldn’t). Whenever you see one of those reports on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel about why baseball teams have to recruit all of those hispanic kids, supposedly because they’re better players, but obviously because black people just plain don’t give a shit about baseball, they show an area that looks suspiciously like Compton, replete with abandoned, overgrown baseball diamonds.

Jimmy Iovine was asked something to the effect of how he was enjoying his visit to Fenway, and his response was that it was especially interesting, because he’d never been there before in his life – even though he obviously has the means. He grew up in Brooklyn. He wasn’t a Red Sox hater per se, having been a fan of the Mets, and having lived in LA since forever, but you got the idea that he could have just as easily never gone to a Red Sox game in his life. If he didn’t think he could dupe the local TV news into running a free commercial for Beats by Dre.

That reporter must have been under pressure from the station to get people to watch her reports, regardless of what they were about. They must be losing a lot of viewers to the Internets, not to mention attrition. You know good and well that if Dre and Iovine could have pulled this shit at a station in LA, there’s no way in hell they would have gone all the way to Boston. When’s the last time you’ve seen a picture of Dr. Dre anywhere other than a studio? The man’s clearly a hermit. I don’t know if he’s still afraid of Suge Knight or what. (He appears to have toned down his roids regiment.) Jimmy Iovine must have some hoodrat he pays to send unsolicited email re: Beats by Dr. Dre, and that was the only station that bit.

The fact that the two of them would even bother just goes to show how much money there is to be made from BS audio equipment. A pair of beats cost something like $300. (I think they did introduce a cheaper pair that’s “only” like $200.) Dre and Jimmy Iovine must be taking home a substantial chunk of that, just to have Dr. Dre’s name on the packaging. It must be an especially good deal for Jimmy Iovine, who didn’t have to do shit but show up to this Red Sox game. I’m not hating. I’m just jealous.

It’s a well-known fact that those Monster Cables are the most egregious rip-off in all of consumer electronics. The tips of those things are made out of gold, but (a) you can’t see the tip once it’s plugged in anyway (no Boutros), and (b) apparently, the color of the metal has no bearing on the sound that comes from the speaker. Who’d a thunkit?! It used to be that even the guy at Best Buy would tell you to opt for the cheaper shit. But Best Buy must have realized what was going on and gotten rid of the cheaper shit altogether. I sent my little brother to cop an HDMI cord to connect my bluray player to one of my HD sets (#ballin), and he came back with some of that gold-plated shit. I told him it was a ripoff, but he said that was all they had. Damn. Of course, Beats by Dr. Dre are made by the same company that makes Monster Cables.

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only reason we’re supposedly finally getting a new Dr. Dre album is because there’s so much money to be made from those headphones, and having a new album out will provide that many more opportunities to promote them. In the Red Sox infomercial, Iovine was asked what he’d listen to on a pair of Beats. His response? A new song by Dr. Dre and Jay-Z called “Under Pressure.” No word yet on whether it has anything to do with the Queen and David Bowie song. Of course I’m hoping it does, but I’m also kinda hoping it doesn’t, just because that would be the gayest thing to happen in hip-hop in quite some time. The title alone is problematic, regardless of what the song is about. I might need to take another look at that picture of Dre and Jay-Z in the studio. Was that a microphone in the background, or a tube of astroglide?

I kid, I kid. Even if there was a tube of astroglide, I’m sure Jay-Z would have removed it from the frame. He’s very protective of his image.

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