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The blind leading the blind

Oh, I get it – the reason Jay-Z is so clueless about indie rock is because he learned everything he knows from Beyonce’s (even more) talentless sister, Solange.

You’d think he’d know better than to let a black chick school him on white people music, but only if your really believe he’s a genius just because he made half a billion dollars acting as the black front for white interests.

Solange only got into indie rock herself because she’d exhausted all other career options, other than being Beyonce’s sister, and she probably figured she might not be able to rely on that forever. It’s literally impossible for Beyonce to run out of money at this point, but she might have to cut Solange off anyway. She seems like the kind of person who would do some shit like that. Notice how all of her songs are about relationships in various states of dysfunction, and how to get some money from a man, despite the fact that she’s been married to Jay-Z for years now, and she grew up in a house to rival the house I grew up in. And you don’t see me all pissed off at women. (Um, never mind.)

Solange’s best bet might be to try to get some hush money out of Beyonce, if she has some dirt on her, like drug use, an abortion we don’t know about, or perhaps a lesbian affair with one of the members of Destiny’s Child. Maybe that’s why those other two girls got kicked out. That new Oprah Winfrey book is full of damning information provided by her sister, Patricia. She was the one who revealed the fact that Oprah used to turn tricks as a teenager – which she referred to as doing “The Horse.” Or selling “The Horse,” as it were. Only thing is, obviously this strategy didn’t work for Oprah’s sister, if she’s out here putting people’s business out in the street. (It’s a good thing there’s no way I could possibly sell my body.)

Solange had an album of skanky black chick R&B, in the vein of her sister’s music, out back when I was in college, but she couldn’t bring anyone to give a shit. If only it had occurred to her to make a song about how she got date raped, she couldn’t remember what happened, but she wasn’t upset, because the guy who did it must have worked her over particularly well – presumably based on the way she walked home the next day. I doubt “Spectacular” has made much, if any money for Kiely Williams (I might send her a donation via PayPal, if I can find her email address), but Kiely Williams isn’t Beyonce’s sister, now is she?

Instead of slutting it up even further, Wikipedia says that Solange then released a neo soul album that was, again, greeted by a chorus of yawns. She probably had the right idea, not trying to compete with her older sis on the basis of her ass, which pales in comparison (I couldn’t tell you what her singing voice sounds like), but this was 2008, not 1995. D’Angelo had already been on crack (but somehow managed to gain weight) for the better part of a decade, at that point. Even Erykah Badu has since taken to showing off her proportionally gargantuan ass to crowds of innocent white children. If the commercial prospects of neo soul were any stronger than skanky black chick R&B, I’m sure she would have kept her pants on, important message about the JFK assassination notwithstanding.

I suppose it’s a testament to her strong Christian upbringing, which I learned about in an episode of 60 Minutes (never mind her new little brother), that, at that point in her career, she turned to white people music, rather than a sex tape and/or a book about the famous people’s she’s been with, which is what Ray J would have done. Supposedly, her interest in white people music is genuine. But if that’s the case, then how come there wasn’t any white people music on her first two albums. It’s not like she really needed to cater to the marketplace? I seriously doubt that she spent, say, a year back in the late ’90s sitting around in her underwear listening to You’re Living All Over Me by Dinosaur Jr on repeat. Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

The first inkling of this clearly newfound interest was that photo op of her, Jay-Z and Beyonce at a Grizzly Bear concert in the hipstery part of Brooklyn. She could have just gone herself, but it’s possible no one would have realized she was Beyonce’s sister. They might have thought she was a broke black chick trying to hook a white dude – you’ve seen all of those stories on ABC news about lonely black women trying to increase their range of options, despite their racism. Admittedly, I didn’t realize this was all part of some convoluted marketing scheme until I saw that she posted her own version of the Dirty Projectors’ “Stillness is the Move” on Twitter.

It was one thing, when she was just listening to white people music. I even joked on Twitter that, if she grew her hair back out, I’d let her come over to my house and listen to Veckatimest. But it’s something else altogether, if this is just her plan to finally get her singing career off the ground. Why would I want to listen to an indie rock album by Beyonce’s sister. White people are starting to realize this, and there’s a backlash a brewin’, aided in part by an interview she did with New York magazine, in which she accused Vampire Weekend of ripping off their sound from black people (she might actually be the first black person to allege this), and made it sound as if her goal was to finally take rock music back from white people.

Jay-Z isn’t helping matters, making an ass of himself by trying to make reference to the Dirty Projectors in the New York Times the other day. The actual quote was something to the effect of: “Bono isn’t the best dancer in the world, but he’s able to control the crowd while standing still anyway. He uses stillness as a move.” Which is just too rich with potential lulz to unpack at this point in the afternoon. (Carles from Hipster Runoff already got in that ass, the other day, no fishsticks) I mean, it’d be bad enough if all he was doing was comparing his dance skills to Bono.

To his credit, Jay-Z’s interest in indie rock might be more genuine than Solange’s. It’s not like he needs a new sound, to get his career in order. He’s just clueless. He comes off like Robert Forster copping that Delphonics cassette at the mall, in Jackie Brown: his heart’s in the right place, but he doesn’t realize how ridonkulous he looks. White people are obviously just laughing at him. There was an article in the New York Times the other day about the group MGMT. Jay-Z tried to get them to produce a track on the Blueprint 3. They had no interest, because it was a motherfucking Jay-Z album, but rather than just turning him down, they sent him some ol’ bullshit. You can tell Jay-Z didn’t realize he was being punked, because he still asked them to sing on the song’s chorus. They were just like, “Um, no.”

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