The blind leading the blind

Oh, I get it – the reason Jay-Z is so clueless about indie rock is because he learned everything he knows from Beyonce’s (even more) talentless sister, Solange.

You’d think he’d know better than to let a black chick school him on white people music, but only if your really believe he’s a genius just because he made half a billion dollars acting as the black front for white interests.

Solange only got into indie rock herself because she’d exhausted all other career options, other than being Beyonce’s sister, and she probably figured she might not be able to rely on that forever. It’s literally impossible for Beyonce to run out of money at this point, but she might have to cut Solange off anyway. She seems like the kind of person who would do some shit like that. Notice how all of her songs are about relationships in various states of dysfunction, and how to get some money from a man, despite the fact that she’s been married to Jay-Z for years now, and she grew up in a house to rival the house I grew up in. And you don’t see me all pissed off at women. (Um, never mind.)

Solange’s best bet might be to try to get some hush money out of Beyonce, if she has some dirt on her, like drug use, an abortion we don’t know about, or perhaps a lesbian affair with one of the members of Destiny’s Child. Maybe that’s why those other two girls got kicked out. That new Oprah Winfrey book is full of damning information provided by her sister, Patricia. She was the one who revealed the fact that Oprah used to turn tricks as a teenager – which she referred to as doing “The Horse.” Or selling “The Horse,” as it were. Only thing is, obviously this strategy didn’t work for Oprah’s sister, if she’s out here putting people’s business out in the street. (It’s a good thing there’s no way I could possibly sell my body.)

Solange had an album of skanky black chick R&B, in the vein of her sister’s music, out back when I was in college, but she couldn’t bring anyone to give a shit. If only it had occurred to her to make a song about how she got date raped, she couldn’t remember what happened, but she wasn’t upset, because the guy who did it must have worked her over particularly well – presumably based on the way she walked home the next day. I doubt “Spectacular” has made much, if any money for Kiely Williams (I might send her a donation via PayPal, if I can find her email address), but Kiely Williams isn’t Beyonce’s sister, now is she?

Instead of slutting it up even further, Wikipedia says that Solange then released a neo soul album that was, again, greeted by a chorus of yawns. She probably had the right idea, not trying to compete with her older sis on the basis of her ass, which pales in comparison (I couldn’t tell you what her singing voice sounds like), but this was 2008, not 1995. D’Angelo had already been on crack (but somehow managed to gain weight) for the better part of a decade, at that point. Even Erykah Badu has since taken to showing off her proportionally gargantuan ass to crowds of innocent white children. If the commercial prospects of neo soul were any stronger than skanky black chick R&B, I’m sure she would have kept her pants on, important message about the JFK assassination notwithstanding.

I suppose it’s a testament to her strong Christian upbringing, which I learned about in an episode of 60 Minutes (never mind her new little brother), that, at that point in her career, she turned to white people music, rather than a sex tape and/or a book about the famous people’s she’s been with, which is what Ray J would have done. Supposedly, her interest in white people music is genuine. But if that’s the case, then how come there wasn’t any white people music on her first two albums. It’s not like she really needed to cater to the marketplace? I seriously doubt that she spent, say, a year back in the late ’90s sitting around in her underwear listening to You’re Living All Over Me by Dinosaur Jr on repeat. Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

The first inkling of this clearly newfound interest was that photo op of her, Jay-Z and Beyonce at a Grizzly Bear concert in the hipstery part of Brooklyn. She could have just gone herself, but it’s possible no one would have realized she was Beyonce’s sister. They might have thought she was a broke black chick trying to hook a white dude – you’ve seen all of those stories on ABC news about lonely black women trying to increase their range of options, despite their racism. Admittedly, I didn’t realize this was all part of some convoluted marketing scheme until I saw that she posted her own version of the Dirty Projectors’ “Stillness is the Move” on Twitter.

It was one thing, when she was just listening to white people music. I even joked on Twitter that, if she grew her hair back out, I’d let her come over to my house and listen to Veckatimest. But it’s something else altogether, if this is just her plan to finally get her singing career off the ground. Why would I want to listen to an indie rock album by Beyonce’s sister. White people are starting to realize this, and there’s a backlash a brewin’, aided in part by an interview she did with New York magazine, in which she accused Vampire Weekend of ripping off their sound from black people (she might actually be the first black person to allege this), and made it sound as if her goal was to finally take rock music back from white people.

Jay-Z isn’t helping matters, making an ass of himself by trying to make reference to the Dirty Projectors in the New York Times the other day. The actual quote was something to the effect of: “Bono isn’t the best dancer in the world, but he’s able to control the crowd while standing still anyway. He uses stillness as a move.” Which is just too rich with potential lulz to unpack at this point in the afternoon. (Carles from Hipster Runoff already got in that ass, the other day, no fishsticks) I mean, it’d be bad enough if all he was doing was comparing his dance skills to Bono.

To his credit, Jay-Z’s interest in indie rock might be more genuine than Solange’s. It’s not like he needs a new sound, to get his career in order. He’s just clueless. He comes off like Robert Forster copping that Delphonics cassette at the mall, in Jackie Brown: his heart’s in the right place, but he doesn’t realize how ridonkulous he looks. White people are obviously just laughing at him. There was an article in the New York Times the other day about the group MGMT. Jay-Z tried to get them to produce a track on the Blueprint 3. They had no interest, because it was a motherfucking Jay-Z album, but rather than just turning him down, they sent him some ol’ bullshit. You can tell Jay-Z didn’t realize he was being punked, because he still asked them to sing on the song’s chorus. They were just like, “Um, no.”

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    it seems like this piece is mostly just about how you perceive yourself as having superior taste in “white people music”, and yes, this is true (gin blossoms notwithstanding).

    however, i dont think there is anything wrong with trying out new sounds, regardless of perceived commercial viability.

    guys like paul simon have changed their sound album after album, with astonishing success. bowie. tom waits. the clash.

    hell, even your BFFF, phonte, has switched it up (foreign exchange, LB, and zo & tigalo), and done every genre extremely well.

    • BIGLEG

      Bingo..except for the fact that Solange has better taste than Bol.

      Bol’s last.fm playlist looks like it is coming from a 34 year old white lesbian from New England.

      • EReal

        Forreal Thor.

        Hey Bol, NEWSFLASH, no one knows or cares who the fuck you’re talking about.

  • sean

    man you most love jay-z
    ever other blog you have is about jay-z
    is paying you?

  • sealsaa

    “He(Jay-Z) comes off like Robert Forster copping that Delphonics cassette at the mall, in Jackie Brown: his heart’s in the right place, but he doesn’t realize how ridonkulous he looks.”

    This sentence pretty much sums up Jay-Z’s career decisions since The Black Album. And the fact that he takes cues from Bono…

  • The Mighty Spade

    God where’s Ron Mexico when you need him? Dude you suck…..An article about Solange man? Thats the best shit you could come up with…And the article was no kinda of funny and we all know she sucks….Get off Jay-Z’s dick nigga damn….

  • LOL

    remember when kayne was telling us all to listen to keane? *puke*

    • SlickerThanRick

      Yep.This shit is disgusting.Its insulting to hiphop that trying to get into rock or say you listen to rock somehow makes you sound more ‘credible’.guess what? it fukking doesn’t.Just makes you sound like you’re trying to off-load a few more ‘Life and times of Shawn Carter: Vol 1′ or ‘Late Registration’ to some folks in Wisconsin.

  • LOL

    ACTUALLY i remember a lengthy press conference in Australia where kanye, promoting his 808&heartbreaks nonsense, talked at length in his best white ppl voice, naming all his white ppl music influences on his album. it was cringeworthy. RADIOHEAD, KEANE , COLDPLAY. Pretty standard stuff. But he made it sound like he was so advanced.When really all these bands are basic mainstream indie white ppl music.

    i guess white ppl music is the new marketing method for blk ppl music. Look at dame dash.

    Kanye loves white ppl music so much he cried in a song that jayz stole coldplay from him.

    Then he went out and signed a Fake ass Chris Martin (Mr Hudson)

    Anyways. I hear white ppl laughing in unison every time Jayz name drops BONO.

    • yoprince

      most of the people commenting don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

      like this dude above me talking about “mainstream indie white ppl music.” WTF is that? mainstream and indie?

      just b/c white people make it doesn’t mean all white people listen to it. the majority of white people are listening to the same bullshitty (or just popular) music black people are listening to.. unless they’re listening to country.

      honestly, the truth is DOOM is just as much white people music as dirty projectors if you must utilize that term. both have niche fanbases of mostly white people, and are independent artists. MGMT and Vampire Weekend may get a little MTV coverage but honestly it’s similar to raekwon being on their hottest MC’s list, it’s obligatory; the average top 40 radio listener still isn’t that familiar with their music other than name recognition.

      most people, black or white, are listening to rihanna, lady gaga, lil wayne, jay-z, kanye west, coldplay, kings of leon, green day, beyonce, mary j. blige, and alicia keys.

      a small group of (mostly white) people are listening to mos def, grizzly bear, dirty projectors, MGMT, Elbow, The XX, Animal Collective, Four Tet, DOOM, Alchemist, Atlas Sound, Black Milk, TVontheRadio, The Roots, Dizzee Rascall, and Brother Ali.

      Thus, if Jay-Z brags about listening to Kings of Leon or Coldplay, that’s corny. When he brings the Roots on tour, hops on a Mos Def remix or references a dirty projectors record, that’s still pretty dope.

  • nicholasdelorejo

    Really Solange should have just continued to make RnB music instead of changing her style. Look at Kelis. She came in the industry as being weird but suddenly hooked up with nas and became slutty for two shitty albums. Now she’s going back to being “different” only to compete with Gaga, Rihianna, and to a lesser degree Kesha. Shit Chris Brown was initially bigger than Trey Songz. Trey barely had a fanbase at first. But eventually he built one enough to hop on the Blueprint 3 tour and be the next “R. Kelly”.

    And Solange could have benifited from this. Because while people love Beyonce, many people also hate her simply because she shows her ass,jerks when she dances, and doesn’t make the soulful black music even when there are plenty of other singers that do but don’t get much recognition. Solange could have ridden the Beyonce hate (a la Taylor Swift with Kanye West) and just make soulful music. The haters would instantly know of Solange as the Beyonce that makes the music Beyonce should make.

    Also Jay-z appearing to be familiar with other forms of music is just a tactic to get people to take him seriously as leader in the music industry and not some ignorant rapper. indie artists generally don’t sell much because their fans like metalheads and “real hip-hop” heads are elitist D-bags that think they are better experts in musical taste than others. MGMT didn’t want to be apart of the BP3 because they were afriad their fans would bitch amdn moan about being a rap album. As much as people like to trash Gaga, Wayne, and Rihianna, the labels know that their fans don’t give a fuck about who likes their music. At least not as much as indie, metal, and hip-hop heads.

    • yoprince

      tasty was a great album. you were probably just misled by milkshake, which all in all was still a great party record.

  • hate

    “I seriously doubt that she spent, say, a year back in the late ’90s sitting around in her underwear listening to You’re Living All Over Me by Dinosaur Jr on repeat. Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.”

    priceless

  • This Fool Be Trippin’

    White people have no music, music was made for everyone to enjoy, not just a certain race. Just because a certain race likes it, does not mean it belongs to them. Educate yo damn self fools!

  • fredMS

    Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

    i think that was the best thing u ever wrote in ur life.

  • SS

    Except, if you had actually listened to Solange’s take on Stillness is the Move, you would know that it actually was a soul record (i.e. nothing like the pale-face devil music you listen to).

  • NotoriousAGC

    but only if your really believe he’s a genius just because he made half a billion dollars acting as the black front for white interests.¨

    DAMN that line should be added on a ETHER remix goddamn thats cold, but not far from the truth.

  • cmoney91

    funny and good post bol

  • BIGNAT

    her album with that tony song on it was a good project. bol your taste in music is terrible

  • michaelangel

    Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that…… classic man… always the best blogs.. nothing but the truth Jay knows absolutely nothing about rock..

  • Ruffe Mayne

    Solange’s best bet might be to try to get some hush money out of Beyonce, if she has some dirt on her, like drug use, an abortion we don’t know about, or perhaps a lesbian affair with one of the members of Destiny’s Child
    ^
    supposedly Alejandro Fernandez, Mos Def and a couple other celebs that she collabo’d with have tapped that……

  • Anonymous

    Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.

  • b

    ” Nah, Bol did that, so hopefully you don’t have to go through that.”

    Blog Hova

  • http://myspace.com/ncprecise ncprecise

    as soon as someone Black makes it big and gets a lot of money… “he’s a sellout” or he’s catering to “white people”. GTFOH! jay sold crack, made a record label, sold millions of records, ahhh f**k it… carry on

  • ShowTmeNY

    http://www.soundclick.com/showtimeny

    Solange album with TonY sounded hot to me. I liked all the singles. I havent bought RNB album in years but I was gone Cop that. Thx Bol For reminding me.

    Good writing but I can smell the hate a mile away.

    IM glad that im not the only one who noticed Mr. Hudson sounds Like Chris Martin.. God Dam Man!

    What else? hmmm

    Its Funny we saying White Ppl music when black ppl created Rock,Jazz, Blues, R&B, Hip-hop, And Reggae.

    • valdez

      “Its Funny we saying White Ppl music when black ppl created Rock,Jazz, Blues, R&B, Hip-hop, And Reggae.”

      best, most accurate, not to mention relevant, post in this thread. FLAT OUT!!

  • Mirce de Moz

    Bol is the Jay-Z of this blogging shit minus the money and the hottest chick in the game. Who would that be? Necole or Sandra? Or crazy techie cool? Ha!

  • ff1one@yahoo.com

    i gotta admit that you are a great writer, ok good writer, but its obvious u have a man crush on jayz. i thought i was a big jayz fan, but u do post a jayz blog every two maybe three post. i thought i was a jayz fan beause i knew the lyrics but beat out by a friend of a friends friend who actually had a bulletien of jayz in his house.

    as for jayz not knowing anything about rock, most rockers don’t know anything about rock. Hell, must rappers as we often discuss don’t know anything about rap. case and point wack flocka aka young drug dealer. smh.

  • http://hotasballs.wordpress.com steezolini

    since when was bono someone to look up to?
    it’s not about black and white, it’s about cool and uncool.word to russel simmons.but he was just saying that to make us whiteboys feel included.

  • froZ

    Shit article man, at least listen to Solange’s music before you slam it, her second album didn’t sell well but received good reviews and was actually pretty solid.

  • RudNare

    C’mon Bols! *grins* I see the self-loathing is particularly strong today, my friend! U remind of, ‘I hate my black-gums’ Beanie Mac on M2S…Anyways, thanks for the laughs on this one line though! :)

    “If only it had occurred to her to make a song about how she got date raped, she couldn’t remember what happened, but she wasn’t upset, because the guy who did it must have worked her over particularly well – presumably based on the way she walked home the next day.”