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Time for an upgrade, kthxbai

You know I don’t usually do this, but… props to Reggie Bush for knowing when and how to get rid of Kim Kardashian.

I read yesterday on Sandra Rose that he dropped her like a bad habit via text message, while she was out of town – which is probably the best way you can break up with a woman, provided you can afford sufficient security to make sure she doesn’t try to exact revenge on your car or some shit. If I had a shedload of money, and, um, a woman, that’s the only way I’d go about ending a relationship. Why bother doing it in person, where she might take a swing at you, or start crying, or say some foul shit about your mother (as if I give a shit)? It’s not like you have to worry about what she’ll think of you. You won’t be seeing her again anyway!

I’ve heard it argued, in some of the books I read to pick up strategies on how to confuse women into having sex with me (which is what I’m gonna have to do, until I strike it rich), that you should try to make a clean, amicable break with a woman, lest she tell every other woman she ever meets that you’re a douche, just because your relationship didn’t end as well as it could have, but I don’t know if I’d trust a woman who took anything a man’s ex-girlfriend said seriously. That’s just the first sign that her mind is not right. Word to Matt Berninger.

But what do I know? Sadly, I’ve still got a lot more book learnin’ than I have actual real world experience, let alone “free” real world experience. I’m pretty sure I even got on Reggie Bush for getting with Kim Kardashian in the first place, either here or on my own site; but now I’m starting to think that may have been the best idea evar – and not just because Kim Kardashian has a body that’s built for sex (perhaps quite literally).

Of course, my main concern with Kim Kardashian was that, not only had she been with motherfucking Ray J, but she’d been in a pr0n film with him. Following Ray J is bad enough, but following Ray J with a woman who’s been in pr0n, with Ray J, is almost as unfathomable as getting Superhead pregnant – if that’s even possible at that point. The only upside is that there couldn’t have been any doubt in Reggie Bush’s mind that he was gonna saddle up behind Kim K’s gargantuan ass, ride her hard and put her back wet. Possibly on the same day they met. He may have even approached her after he saw the pr0n film, with the thought that he could take over Ray J’s role in the sequel, like Omar Epps playing Willie Mays Hayes in Major League 2.

I’m sure my fellow upgraders reading this understand the thought process that goes into trying to trap a white chick. Unless she’s wearing a Fubu sweatshirt, in a Wal-Mart, with a cart with a black baby in it, it’s hard to tell whether a white chick is down with the swirl. You can kinda assume that the better a white woman looks, the less likely she’s down to fuck with a brother, but it’s pretty much impossible to say for certain, based on looks alone. Devoid of any contextual information, she could be the late, great Kacey Kox, or she could be a full-on neo nazi. Sometimes the best way to get with a white chick is to find a white chick that you know has already been with a black guy. It’s not like that was her last time – or her first, for that matter. You know the old saying..,

You get the idea that Reggie Bush, like Kanye West, had his heart set on upgrading all along – there was just an obstacle in his way. In Kanye’s case, it was his mother, who fell victim to what Jello Biafra would call a plastic surgery disaster. I’m assuming Reggie Bush was concerned with his image. The dead giveaway (no Donda West) was the fact that his handlers let him pose for the cover of Essence magazine, perhaps to set him up for a post-NFL career acting in Tyler Perry movies, or writing books on Why Black Women Can’t Find Good Black Men, or some shit. They must have figured that Essence’s readership would give him a pass on interracial dating, since Kim Kardashian is kinda black: she was on the cover of the late, great King magazine; she let a black dude hit it from the back, for the world to see; and both of her sisters snagged black ballplayers. What else should she possibly have to do to cement her honorary black status? Shield Obama from a sniper’s bullet?

Leave it up to black women to thrust a successful straight black man into the loving arms of white women forever. Reggie Bush may not have been with a legit, according to Hoyle black chick at the time, but he was at least trying to reach out to black women. You think he needed to be on the cover of Essence magazine? Because I can tell you right now, the only way I’d appear on the cover of Essence is in a sweaty, post-coital embrace (think Lil Wayne and Baby on the 10th anniversary issue of XXL) with Anne Hathaway. I checked Necole Bitchie just now, to conduct my usual five minutes worth of research for this post, and wouldn’t you know, she had a video of him and and his bottled water carrier leaving a restaurant in New York with two chicks who looked like they’d been sprung from the depths of my subconscious.

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